Okay, I am SOOO DONE with being patient and protecting WH from the consequences of his actions. I have tried to be patient and for the most part have managed not to LB. But, this is ridiculous. I am not going to idly sit by as he gets more and more involved with another woman. OUt of sight of of mind? I don't think so. GGRRR!!!

I am sitting over here with no way of finding out who the he!! she is. Well, that is going to change. Right now I don't give a hoot about his feelings or his happiness or anything else. I am protecting me and mine. And that includes the Dork. THere is no way that I will let him act as if he has no moral legal or ethical obligations and responsibilities to me and to DD.

I found out positively that he has been lying about where he is, who he is housesitting for, and when his leave period started. His leave started today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> And he told his boss that he was coming over here. Well, WH told me that his leave doesn't start until the 20th and has duty on the 21st so won't be here until the 22nd.

I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> That is why I have been in such a panic state for the last 3 days.

So, in my converation with his boss, I said, "I have been told that this is a personal issue and has not effected his work. Then tell me, if you needed to contact him for emergency recall, how will you find him? He is NOT here and told me that he won't be here until the 22nd." UH DUH!

I did speak to WH this morning and after once again asking for the phone number of where is supposed to be; he told me that the people that he is housesitting for said not to give out their number. Yah, Okay, that is a crock has how could he have asked when they have already supposedly left for Arizona. I then straight out asked him if he was playing house. He said "NOT YET" Oh Really?

Well, I told him that DD will be over on Friday. Guess what? I am going, too. We will see how he handles this! His conflict avoidance and his lies are going to have some serious consequences. I am waiting for a call from the ship chaplain who said he would call JAG to see what legal ramifications this will have.

Frankly, if he is released from the NAVY, all the better.

I am resigning my job tomorrow - effective month end. My phone is cut off at the end of the month. My cable is being turned off as well. I have sent a notice to DD's private school to withdraw her as of Friday. She will start her new school in January in Victoria.

I KNOW this is a huge gamble. I know he might run harder. I am prepared for that. BUt, if he runs, he will LOSE everything including his career. I am capable of supporting myself. I know it is not MB PC, is it? But dammit, I KNOW WH. I KNOW that his avoidance is part of not dealing with either his issues or ours. ANd out of sight out of mind just does not work for me. AND I also know that deep down he is expecting me to respond. Insecurity or whatever.

At this point, I am in confrontational mode. I see the problem and I will do everything in my power to be in his face and remind him what a family means. GGGRRR!

Just got off the phone with chaplain who suggested I call JAG office. Of course they are not helpful. Military doublespeak. Oh well.

I expect 2x4s. Bring them on. I have been beaten up already emotionally and so has DD.

FAA,

I really feel for your situation. I don't have any 2x4's or advice really, as I know I'm not a Professional counselor. Nobody here is, this forum is for support and advice. You know your WH better than anyone.

I say go with your gut and protect yourself. You know in your heart what WH is doing.

You are in my prayers, native

FA.....A

No 2x4's here. I think you said it best:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am SOOO DONE with being patient and protecting WH from the consequences of his actions </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Granted, it's not texbook MB but MB is a guideline, not a step by step plan.

You did what YOU felt you needed to do. Stay strong.
p.s....I'm glad I'm not your H.

God Bless

Doug

I think you are following MB principles. He is showing gross inconsideration by not even giving you a telephone number to reach him. Your Plan B includes leaving so that he has to come to you. You are letting him know that you are serious.

How I wish I had gotten him out of the house --
Cherished

Hmm...since you're being so confrontational and have TRIED to let his command know he's doing something that the UCMJ specifically prohibits...

Maybe hire a PI so that you have solid proof for the military? Just make sure you're acting squeaky clean during all of this. Also...look into obtaining legal counsel on the base...I think whoever the one asking for it first is the one who gets it, though this is just for the basics since they can't actually respresent you in court or anything.

Keep in mind that if your husband's career is affected, it will afffect child support and benefits.

Not trying to encourage this...just know that when someone is in this mood, there is momentum.

Do you know if she's military, btw? Might be worth finding out because if so, you can probably at least make sure they are kept apart at work if you've got the right ammunition.

No 2X4 here either. I also agree that this statement speaks for itself :

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, I am SOOO DONE with being patient and protecting WH from the consequences of his actions </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I be alone in this, but I don't think it's EVER the responsibility of the BS to protect the WS from anything.....except their OWN LB.

Not giving the number out ? This is just silly, and I can't believe he even used this as an excuse.

That would be the final straw for me as well, the condescending attitude, and assuming this excuse...will fly. He's a grown man, not a latchkey kid.

Hang in there, I hope you feel better, no matter what you decide.

Thanks. d-rose, You made me laugh. I hope you aren't feeling sorry for him?

You are so right. WH has ignored what he KNOWS I will do. I NEVER threaten without following through. And for this drastic an action I ALWAYS warn beforehand. And I did. Yet I am sure he will still manage to be surprised <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

What a DORK! He had best be scared. THere is nothing like a determined woman with a mission. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I plan on deliberately cutting off every avenue of escape/avoidance until he deals with me. That includes his job. He can just hate me. Oh WAIT! He says he already does. NO biggie.

WHen I find out who the OW is, if she is military, she will be included in this mess. I will expose to everyone. Repeatedly. I will become the biggest pain in the a$$ that anyone has seen. If she is not, her work, her firends her family. WHatever. Whoever.

THat kid glove is off now and the steel gauntlet is on. I doubt very much that this EA?PA will survive the light of my exposure. THe downside will be far too big.

Dammit, I should have abandoned this house sooner.

D,

If you can manage to do all of this without DJs AOs etc..I fail to see how it isn't plan A. Sounds like a good idea to me. If the A continues..expose as a first option..not a last resort.

Noodle

Well, I'm all for exposure, so I'm glad you are doing this. Should've been done sooner, IMHO. However, I caution you to guard your motivations. It is good that you not protect him from the consequences of his actions. It is another thing altogether to engineer then enforce those consequences as a means to punish.

At this point, I am in confrontational mode. I see the problem and I will do everything in my power to be in his face and remind him what a family means. GGGRRR!

As far as I know, this is neither Plan A, nor Plan B. Plan A is where you remind him what a family means, but in an attractive way. Plan B means you stay the heck out of his face.

On the other hand, this approach will likely get you some results. Pretty quick too, I'll wager.

Are they going to be the results you are hoping for?

Look. I'm not saying you don't have the right to fly off the handle. I'm just asking you if think it'll bring you any closer to your goal.

dewt

Dewt? I think I wasn't clear about the confrontational mode. That was not in reference to me being the psycho bi+ch. THat was in reference to my personality trait which is to confront the issue head on. Not avoid it. etc.

My goal is for him to face me with honesty. For him to confess if that is what he needs to do. One of the most frustrating things for me is that I can't find out who the OW is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I am in another city 4 -5 hours away! BUt, that will change. I will have plenty of time to find out. In between me being in his face and the time he will spend with DD, this EA/PA will be exposed.

Maddyk, I suspect that she is in the military. But, we are Canadian. ANd they are lame as far as pursuing charges. BUT I intend to make it very uncomfortable at the very least. I can be a real pain in the a$$. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I suspect she is on his ship. THat is the only time line that makes sense. He really didn't have the time to pursue anything else too much. Because until he went back to sea in May, he was here almost every weekend. ANd his ILYBNILWY speech came after his return from a 3 month deployment.

I have thought of the financial consequences. ANd, if he gets release, which is even less likely than in the US, I get half his pension up front. ANd, gee that would almost pay off the house that WE have to pre-approved mortgage for. That WH has INSISTED be only in my name. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Gee, I might be blonde, but I am not stupid.

I am painfully aware that this might force him to file D papers. Oh Well, I can live with that. It will take, at the very least, another year from the time he files. And procrastinator that he is, he will leav it to me to do. ANd right now I won't. WHy should I enable his EA/PA or whatever the he!! he is up to. He wants a D go for it. I will not help other than through this campaign of mine.

What I will not live with his attempts to disregard the pain he is causing all of us.

Even in the Canadian Navy there are rules re: fraternization. If he "out ranks" her or vice versa it could be viewed as an abuse of power. Fraternizing with a subordinate is frowned upon. At the very least you could have one or both of them posted out. That would, at the very least, separate them professionally.

Often, this issue isn't acted upon unless the potential for fall out could create emabarassment for the Navy itself...do ya hear what I'm saying here?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

I say "do what you have to do". Protect yourself. Whatever happens with your WH is his fault and he gave you no choice.
I am so angry myself tonight so I'm probably not the best person to give advice!!!! I know how you feel.....gggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Hang in there.

Thanks MGM I got that be-a-pain suggestion. Beat you to it. I already talked to his boss today. Who also emailed me this afternoon and who has tried to reach Duncan 4 times at the number that he is supposed to live at but where he is not. UH DUH! I told his boss that. But, I was kind enough to let his boss know that WH was here and that oh BTW WH has confirmed that the female is another military member.


Tree Reich: YOu WH takes the cake too. What DOrks. I could become a real man hater. NOT.

Just an update. My real estate agent showed up this afternoon with an offer for the house. He said I needed WH's signature. So, I was looking for my POwer of Attorney that DOrk ahs forgotten that I have <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Guess who walks in. Yup WH! 5 hour trip from Victoria to the Valley where I live. In a car, that he "borrowed" Yah right. WHose is it. BUt, I of course now have the license plate number. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
DOrk. HE keeps underestimating me and my determination. Let alone my IQ.

He signed the papers and then we "chatted" He was so angry. He said I was leaving him no option other than to quit before he got fired. I just said sorry to hear that and how will that solve our situation? Sheesh! HOw can they be so dense??

Then I asked him if he was involved with anothe woman and he said yes. I asked him if she knew he was married he said yes and that was a problem for her. WHOAH a female OW with MOrals. Call the newpapers. No wonder he wants a flippin' divorce that I will not give him. I asked if she was in the military. He confirmed. Good! Even more ammunition. DOrk! Sheesh I am sure he wants to be caught.

Which brings me up to what he said next. He said" Well I had better call another counsellor to help me with my thoughts of suicide. He thought and then said but I wouldn't ever do that. ANother attempt to make me back off. More ammunition that I will file for later. THen he said, you are tightening my leash even more. I want out and you won't let me. I don't love you anymore and haven't BLAH BLAH BLAH." I thought it but didn't say it, I won't let you? How old are you? GIve me a break. I told him that he had said it so many times that even though it hurts, I am not on the floor in pain. THen he said I am trying to get off the floor where you keep me as your servant. WTF???

THen he said Okay you win, I will stay with you and be miserable for the rest of my life.

Orchid, where are you???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I just said "Okay" He looked shocked at that. He kind of muttered and said that since I make the decisons he will do whatever I want. I talked a little bit about MB but no site info. Heck, I don't want him to read this stuff!

I was pretty sure he was waiting for me to make up his mind. Of course he will waffle back to forget it within a day,I'm sure. But, he is on the right path. I am controlling, I know that. ANd darn proud of it in this case. No flippin' way do I intend to give up without BOTH of us trying. And I did tell him that IF we BOTH tried for a year and we still weren't happy or at least better, that I would let him leave. THat I would help him leave. HE said I would NEVER let him go. ANd I just said that is how you feel not what I feel and not something that you can know right now. HE jsut shut up.

He is now sitting pouting and sulking on the couch with DD. DOrk!

But, I do love him. I havenot said that to him at all lately.

HE is spending th enight on the ocuch and will go back to VIctoira tomorrow.

BTW, the house possesion date if the inspection goes okay is JAn 6th. THe day that I had the phone service disconnected before he showed up or there was an offer in place. HOw about the timing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
THen he said Okay you win, I will stay with you and be miserable for the rest of my life.

Orchid, where are you???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I just said "Okay" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bwhaaaaaaa <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

What a great tool reverse babble is.

Pep

Maybe I missed it, but why are you selling your house?

Confooze the enemy......better than sleeping with the enemy. LOL!!!!

Well glad the RB could help. I know this is hard and when you down days hit, just keep posting. That's what helped me. The RB's helped me keep standing each time the WS thought he and his crazed Ow had knocked me down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What they didn't see or count on is that support group (including MB) and the RB I kept practicing every chance I got. LOL!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fightingalone-again:
<strong>
THen he said Okay you win, I will stay with you and be miserable for the rest of my life.

Orchid, where are you???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I just said "Okay" He looked shocked at that. He kind of muttered and said that since I make the decisons he will do whatever I want. I talked a little bit about MB but no site info. Heck, I don't want him to read this stuff!

I was pretty sure he was waiting for me to make up his mind. Of course he will waffle back to forget it within a day,I'm sure. But, he is on the right path. I am controlling, I know that. ANd darn proud of it in this case. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well.............this is one way to handle it and get "your husband back". I guess the "improved" version of Lemonman (speaking in third person now, I need help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) will let this go by in the wind. Not much for me to add here.....nothing "constructive" at least. Are you going to cancel the work order on your cable now? IS your DD gonna stay in school? What about the "fallout" for your WH from the military. YOu are a probably a smart woman -fighting alone again- You do know where this is going right?

I must say, there is not a day that goes by that this site and it's great members don't make my jaw drop. Goodluck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

LOL @ "Okay"...too funny. I snorted my coffee at that one!

If you have any other details re: OW, in Victoria I may be able to help you out...can't make any promises but I can try. Do you have an anonymous email addy???

"Okay."

Rolled of my chair, laughing my butt off.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

dewt