Two years ago I had cheated on my husband. I regretted it the second it happened and I knew how wrong it was. For two years I lived a lie and vowed I would go to my grave without my husband ever knowing. I knew he'd leave me. However, he did find out and now I'm living my worst nightmare....only he's not leaving me yet. He's understably angry, hurt, betrayed and horribly confused. I have been dealing with all that the best I can. He can see how sorry I am and has even noticed an honest change in my behavior. He even told me there is a part of him that feels as if he's falling in love with me all over again. However, he truly and honestly feels that the only way he will ever absolutely be able to forgive me, stop feeling like a victim and a chump, and move on from this is if he gets to cheat on me. Further - he wants me to help him "find" this other woman because his self-esteem is so low that he doesn't think he could actually pick someone up by himself. Even further - he would ultimately want me to "join" them because then not only does he get to cheat on me, but he also gets his "ultimate fantasy"! Now I KNOW what I did was completely wrong and have been a wreck ever since it happened and have probably caused our marriage to worsen even more because of it - but am I wrong to thing what he wants now is sick and twisted? Or is this something I should indulge him with despite my ill feelings towards it? He doesn't understand my lack of compassion toward him regarding this. He thinks I'm be selfish and self-absorbed. Am I? Please help! I don't know where else to go.

DH,

How did he find out? Too bad you didn't confess prior to the discovery.

Anyway...This revenge sex thing hopefully is coming from his hurt and anger. This should (and better) pass after a while.

The man is totally devastated and is lashing out in this extreme way.

Go no where near this, though. This is entirely out of the question.

k

you came to the right place. are you two in MC? you need to be.

if you both want your marriage to work, the LAST thing you need is for him to have an A. two wrongs don't make a right.
read all you can on this site. there are more experienced people here who will help you thru this.
and i agree with you that his " ultimate fantasy" is sick and twisted. no good to your marriage could come from this.

again, you both should be in marriage counseling. if he won't go, go w/out him.
this will be hard, so keep your chin up and hang on for a ride of ups and downs.

sorry to have to meet you this way,

arjdad

you came to the right place. are you two in MC? you need to be.

if you both want your marriage to work, the LAST thing you need is for him to have an A. two wrongs don't make a right.
read all you can on this site. there are more experienced people here who will help you thru this.
and i agree with you that his " ultimate fantasy" is sick and twisted. no good to your marriage could come from this.

again, you both should be in marriage counseling. if he won't go, go w/out him.
this will be hard, so keep your chin up and hang on for a ride of ups and downs.

sorry to have to meet you this way,

arjdad

sorry about the double post! i am computer illiterate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . but at least i have the courage to admit it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
one more thing, i always thought i would leave my wife if she ever had an affair, yet here i am working my tail off trying to save our marriage. you never know what a person will do until they are in that sitch.
good luck, arjdad

thanks for the quick response and boost of support. We are in MC - although we took a break during the holidays. Desperately need to get back into though. I really want this marriage to be better than it ever was and am willing to do whatever I can to make that happen. However, I'm not emotionally strong right now either and am finding it extremeley difficult to continally play that role. Part of me wants to leave and just be done with it. I'm tired of the emotional abuse - the sarcasm, the name calling, the threats of what he's going to do,etc, etc...

However, now that I found a site that really seems to have good information - maybe it's the positive boost I need. I will keep reading, praying and hoping.

Thank you.

My WW has a huge fear that if we work out our M I will go out and do the same thing to her that she has done to me. That first off makes me realize she has some understanding of the pain and hurt I am in due to the A.

To be honest I have had some of the same feelings as you're H. Not to the same extent, but thoughts of doing it myself. I did not express this to my WW at first, I have told her now, I just waited to see what my TRUE feelings were. I found out a thing or two about myself, although it took 3 months.

I will not have an A if I am in a M.
I respect my WW enough to be true to her
My kids don't need more pain
I love my WW and am working on saving our M

I don't think you're H is alone in these thoughts about having an A himself, he may be taking it further than some. I think it is more an expression of hurt and pain..

Don't do it, stay away from that sitch, far away. Get a good MC and find a safe enviroment to express feelinfs back and forht with no LB.

This is a hard time on both of you. Get a Plan together and work you're a** off to save you're M.

Best of luck.

alank
ok - but then how do I help him build up his "manhood" again? He is so incredibly down on himself and feels like a complete loser and idiot. No matter how much I tell him otherwise he says it doesn't matter coming from me. He needs to hear it from somebody other than me. Nothing I do or say is good enough. He just stormed out of the house again in a complete fit of rage. We have 2 young children of which this is affecting terribly. He shows absolutely no regard for their wellbeing at all right now. He only cares about "getting his man back". He has this stigma that if he stays and tries to work things out then he's just a big chump and loser, but if he leaves me, he's still a big loser because then everyone knows that I cheated on him - and "what kind of man was he that his wife would do something like this?". Either way - he feels he loses. I have been working my @ss off trying to help him see otherwise...he just won't listen to anything anymore.

You will not be able to give him back his manhood or help him build it up again. That will be up to him. A good IC and a good MC will help more than you think.

As a BS, I felt like I was a chump, I felt worthles in my WS's eyes. I thought I was compared all the time to her OM. I was not as good as him in bed, I was not good looking enough, my job was no good. I felt I had lost everything about me.

I blamed my WS for all this crap saying the most hurtfull things you could think of. I have two small kids as well 6 and 3, the stuff they had to hear me say was crazy, as was I with the way I felt.

With time, I was able to see it was not me, it was not that I was not man enough for my wife, I was just missing some basics in our M, and my WW found someone new. He is no better than me in anyway, yet I had to find this out for myself with the help of a good IC. You're H needs to be set straight about who he is, if you are unable to help him with that find a good IC/MC to help. He will come out of the anger, it just takes time.

Be there for him in everyway, help him find help, that is what he needs right now, his anger is a BIG call for help with his emotions. IMHO

Hello DH,

I agree with others that it would have been better if you confessed. I hope you see that. I also agree that you need MC, and it looks like you do to so that's good. Your H really needs a good counselor right now. And again I agree that you should NOT indulge your H right now. Yes some of us have thought about having a revenge A but for many it is a fleeting thought.

Are you and your H still having SF? I'm just asking b/c I'm sure you know that is VERY important to guys. That is how you show your H is that man. Get into SF, stroke his ego (yes we sometimes need this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Tell him when he does a good job, work on your admiration skills. Have you read His Needs Her Needs? You should probably pick that up.

Keep reading and posting.
Native

Dhalb2005...DO NOT CONDONE THIS!!!!

About a year ago i was in a similar boat to you. MY husband went ahead and had rvenge sex (He went on about it so much, and insisted that it would be the only thing that would let him see me on an equal basis and help him to get over it). Instead fulfilling his fantasy (in his case sex with a man) opened a bag of worms whereby fantasy turned into reality. Since then he has become totally obsessed with Homosexuality and a few days ago asked me for a divorce.

2 Wrongs do not make a right. U have done wrong but he needs to be real man in dealing with it not a vengeful child.

PLease learn from my experience.

My H is a very angry person by nature. He's always had a very quick temper - which makes what I did even that much "stupider". Had I confessed right away, as bad as things were in our marriage, he would have left me immediately. There was no love, just a lot of brick walls being stacked higher and higher. This past summer a lot of our problems were brought to fruition by too much alchohol and hanging out with some really bad people. My H was uncontrollably angry all the time, nothing I did was ever good enough and we were constantly fighting all the time - not able to resolve anything. Our arguments were so nasty and mean. The name calling and back stabbing. Something went off in my head (finally) and told me to wake up. We've been married 15+ years and the last seven have not been good at all. I finally said enough was enough. I was going to get an MC and give our marriage one last honest attempt at making it work. As reluctant as he was to go, he went. And to my surprise - he actually had a good experience with it and wanted to go back alone so he could resolve some of his own issues. I thought great! We can finally start moving forward again (he, at this point still had no clue about what I did and I still never even thought twice about it - it was so long ago and had been put so far out of my head - I was too blind to see how I might've contributed to our problems - I blamed him for everything - and yes, I know now how wrong that was!) I still believed that if HE got help, we'd be better.

Then that night happened. There had been e-mail from awhile ago that I had no idea was still on the computer - I swear I deleted everything. But it was archived somewhere and he found it, by chance. He wasn't even looking. All the progess I thought we had been making was all shot to he**. I wronged him in the worst way possible. I had blamed him for everything and took no responsibility for how I contributed to our problems. It was always a game - let's see who can make the other feel worse. It was horrible already and this news, magnified everything 1000x's. He's now not only an even angrier person than he's ever been, he's nearly psychotic - I swear he's possibly bi-polar and might even need some medication. This past week his emotions have been so uncontrollable, I'm afraid to get close to him. Before this week however, although it was a continuous roller coaster, we were able to talk like two humans and really connect. The S was incredible and we were doing it nearly every night -sometimes twice. I really thought we were going to be okay. Then this week, something happened - something clicked in him and he's not coming back around. The kids don't want to be around him, I'm afraid to do anything. Our next MC isn't until the week after next. He is so hell bent on "him getting some" that nothing else matters in his life right now. It's like trying to reason with a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum. His immaturity is so completely frustrating. And my inability to handle it is frustrating me even more. I just want to take the kids and leave and go some where to leave him alone - but that could back fire too. I fear he's so crazy right now that he might do something really stupid that will completely destroy us. Neither of us really have anywhere to go either. We can't afford a few nights in a hotel or even think about taking on extra rent on top of the mortgage. I don't have a close relationship with my parents and this would completely destroy my inlaws if they found out. Right now I'm feeling "damned if I do, damned if I don't."

What I did was unbelievably horrible. I never in a million years thought any of this would ever happen. I thought for sure he would just leave me. And right now I'm praying that he chooses to leave for just a little bit to help straighten out his head. Is that wrong? Is it possible that's what he really needs to do right now? Will it help? I'm so exhausted.