As most of you know, I am FWS, formerly of the Funks. Now a very good friend of mine finds herself in the same situation as I was in 2+ years ago. She is a WS. She is in the fog. She is back & forth in her thinking, one week she wants to be with her H, the next week it's OM.

H left the home immediately after finding out. They have 2 young boys. The way he is acting, it doesnt look like he will want to work it out. His pride is very important to him. He's very worried about looking like a fool.

I have explained to my good friend about her fog. Should I be doing this? I sent Surviving an Affair to her in the mail, and asked her to read it then pass to her H. If she's in the fog, will she be likely to absorb any of it?

She only calls me when she is missing H. She has tried NC more than once, and she says they can't last longer than a week before one of them 'breaks'. Of course she thinks their "love" is the only love like it in the world.

As a friend who is familiar with these concepts, I'm wondering how I should approach her? She said she read 80 pages, and realizes NC has to happen. It's been 2 days. This week she wants her old life back. Im afraid this will change.

Mr. Funk has contacted BS and told him all about the fog, and how this is only the beginning of a long, rough road ahead...but also explained that they can be better than ever. BS has a hard time believing he has any wrongdoing in his marriage. Nothing warrants an affair in his mind. He seems like he will be a tough nut to crack.

So, how can we help save their marriage if BS doesnt care to find out why this happened? His pride is taking over, and Im afriad they will be missing out on a great opportunity to be better than ever.

Tell these two idiots that you know a guy who would like to explain to them what it will be like to lose their boys.

Ask them to imagine someone kidnapping one of their sons.

That's what it will be like if they don't get their heads out of their respective butts.

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Let BS talk to your BS ... M could be restored.

Give this to the WS ... true’s heart letter to ws to read.

-rh-

WAT...may I ask where are you now with your ex? Are you in contact? How is their marriage? I cant imagine it's great.

Redhat, My H did contact BS. They spoke about fog, etc. BS doesn't believe he can swallow his pride. This is my concern. How to get him to realize his marriage is more important than what his friends & family think.

Mrs Funk,

I think your time would be better served talking to her husband and telling what YOU felt and did during your A. Her H is right NOTHING justifies the affair so telling him otherwise weakens your position with respect to helping him. What he has NOT factored in is that the state of the marriage does influence the decision to have an affair and THAT he could and can influence.

Bottom line is that he has to decide if he wants to try and save the marriage, if he does not then... it is over, because WS is too stupid to realize what she is going to lose in her H and what she is going to get with OM.

I don't know OM, but I do know the following about him.

1. He has no respect for marriage.

2. He will cheat on her.

3. He will NOT be the father to her kids her H is, but he will have MORE influence. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

4. And the "in love" feelings will wear off and then what will she have to show for all of this except a destroyed family.

Frankly, give SAA to the H, he might learn something from it, while she is in the A she will NOT learn much of anything. You cannot reach her while she is in the middle of the A, but if she decides to really do NC, you can then help her be accountable. That sort of support will help her.

IN closing I am very very glad to see you and Mr. Funk are doing well. It is a pleasure to read these success stories.

God Bless,

JL

JL, I'm not that close with her husband, and frankly, he lost all respect for me when I had my A. I havent really spoken to him since. He didn't even want his wife to speak to me anymore. It would be uncomfortable for us both, which is why i had my H call.

Her BS is now in possession of SAA. I dont know if he is reading it.

OM is unmarried, 35, and single. They dated before my friend married her H. She said she never forgot him over the years. But OM is known around town to be a player. She says she's sure they'd be able to trust each other, after all they have been through. HA!! She says she can't find any faults in him. I do tough love with her. I tell her to get her head out of her @$$ and wise up. He has faults, and one of them is he is involved in an affair!

I printed out Trueheart's letter for her...thank you redhat.

In addition, I feel like she calls me to validate her feelings about OM. Because Im the only one who knows what she's going through. She gets a high from talking about him. I dont call him by name. She does. I try to bring her back down to earth when she starts rambling.

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: foggy-nomore ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BS has a hard time believing he has any wrongdoing in his marriage. Nothing warrants an affair in his mind. He seems like he will be a tough nut to crack.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">f-n,

I beleive that a better approach is to NOT force the BH to make ANY decision at this time on whether or not to stay married to his WW especially because her continued contact with the OM makes saving/rebuilding the marriage an exercise in futility. That decision should come after some months have passed by and the situation has either improved or continued to deteriorate [his WW has/has not ended all contact with the OM and whether he still has enough love for her to want to continue being married to her]. The probationary period can also be used by the BH to do some deep soul searching to discover what were his contributions to the dismal state of his marriage and to become educated on how to make a happy and healthy marriage.

As WAT suggested, you and your H may have to give each of them a couple of 2X4's over their heads to make them realize that they have to act like adults because it is just not their lives that are at stake but that of two innocent little boys as well.

TMCM

foggy-nomore,

Give her this too ... He'll be different with you, you're special

Then like TMCM suggest, you should back off and let them work it out them self. You have done your best as a freind.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by foggy-nomore:
<strong> WAT...may I ask where are you now with your ex? Are you in contact? How is their marriage? I cant imagine it's great.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I regret to say - somewhat - that she and I have as little contact as possible with each other. Further, I receive no contact from any of her family members, although I have reason to believe they do this out of their disgust with the whole mess. That said, I also suspect XW has totally distorted the truth, ya think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> - to anyone who will listen to her - including, unfortunately, our son. Perhaps this sums up the state of her being: she still denies an affair. She married the "friend" she wasn't having an affair with 5 months after our divorce. OM's XW is still a total basket case, serving as a ready excuse for the infidels as the reason for all the nastiness between the parties. I claim to be the only sane one left standing.

I have no idea how their marriage is. Son never speaks of anythng that takes place when he's with them. Based on the continued, predictable hostility that every communication I have with her includes, I suspect that there's a lot of stress in LaLa Land. Or, she is successfully projecting any unhappiness onto me, similar to how they blame OM's XW. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

For the good news, I have a new love in my life and we are very happy. JL met her and seemed to approve.(?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Need a dog?

WAT

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 01:11 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

WAT, that sounds like a mess, and you're better off not being a part of it anymore.

No, we don't need a dog! Ours is a handful as it is! It's not a bulldog, though, is it?

Congrats on the new love in your life! I wish you all the best. I have a sneaking suspicion that you will be the happiest one in the bunch!!

No, she's a weenie dog. Not my idea, but I got "stuck" with her.

Thanks for your good wishes. I can say with a lot of confidence that I ALREADY am the happiest one of the bunch.

Please keep posting here to spread your wisdom. You can do a lot of good. - and maybe you'll change your mind about the dog.........

WAT

****preemptive apology for the threadjack****

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No, she's a weenie dog. Not my idea, but I got "stuck" with her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alright, WAT.... these are fighting words! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have found, after being separated from my WW for a year (plus), that I miss my wiener dog wwwwaaaaayyyy more than my W.

But alas, she has "custody."

Luckily, I'm moving to an apartment that allows pets in Feb. and will be adopting a wiener as soon as I can.......

So, please, don't knock the wiener dogs!

Ethan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thefurnitureman:
<strong>Luckily, I'm moving to an apartment that allows pets in Feb. and will be adopting a wiener as soon as I can.......
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Take WAT's ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Whoa, Ethan!

A match made in heaven?

WAT

Weenie dog and stuck in the same sentence... if anyone could have turned that into a joke I'd have thought it was you WAT.