God willing, if I'm still alive and kickin' on January 16th, I'll have been a MB member for a year. And what a difference a year can make!

I looked back tonight at my first thread. Here is a quote from it:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm SO depressed tonight. I can't concentrate at work. I can't do things at home. I feel like the pain will never end.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know things actually went downhill a great deal from that post to ones a few weeks later where I truly thought I was going to die from the pain, despite people telling me I would feel better eventually. I thought they were nuts!

Fast forward to today...

I am divorced--not the outcome I hoped and prayed for. And yet, I have not withered up and died. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

(This does NOT mean that all of you trying to save your M's will end this way, too! If you love your WS, do all you can do so that you can look back and be content with what you did, no matter which way it may turn out. In my case, the alcoholism and stuff were an added strain and after almost a year, I decided I'd had enough and figured if he ever turned his life around and wanted me back, and wanted him, we could remarry.)

And actually, if it weren't for my really defiant little teenage girl making my life crazy still (that's a different story, though), I am doing fairly well.

My kids and I celebrated Christmas by ourselves for the first time ever--and it was very pleasant!

Believe it or not, I spent the day after Christmas at my ex-inlaws celebrating their big family Christmas. It was wonderful! They still claim me as family, and XH has totally written them off right now. Don't know what next Christmas will bring, but I enjoyed this one.

If it weren't for worrying about the aforementioned daughter, I am actually looking forward to an equally pleasant New Years Eve just sitting in my house watching TV and munching on way too much junk food.

I have gained all my weight back. I have decreased my A/D's by half. And I am looking forward, albeit with a little nervousness, to leaving the company I've worked for for 19 years and starting at a new place in late February.

I don't like one little bit the thought that I might spend the rest of my life alone, and I realize it could well happen. BUT...I have also realized that I won't die of loneliness. I can still enjoy life (I'd just enjoy it MORE if I had a partner to share it with! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

I am also learning more and more as each day goes by to trust that God knows what he's doing and to enjoy what he gives me, and remember that all things work for my good--that he is shaping me for eternity.

Sure, I still have some really down days! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I recorded off a bunch of VCR tapes on my new DVD-recorder a few weeks ago. I shed some tears during that process! But it wasn't because I'm dying without my XH. It was just because of all the memories that came back, and because I see how messed up his life is now.

I think what hurts the most now is seeing how much my XH's life has gone down the tubes. I still pray for him--that eventually, somehow, he'll open up and let the Lord back into his life. He's out of money, his physical health is not good, he's without health insurance, and he and OW seem very 'on edge' based on little comments they've both made when I've had to talk with them about certain things we're still transacting as a part of the DV.

He took OW to Paris in November. When I first heard about the trip back in August, I was upset. When it actually happened, I really didn't think much about it at all.

The latest development: It would seem based on some evidence I've gotten ahold of, that he got OW an engagement ring for Christmas. That DID cause a little knife-stab in my stomach <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

BUT...the pain doesn't last like it used to. It's more dull...not the sharp kind that took my breath away a year ago.

Though I admit I'm a little scared of the future (and REALLY scared of even thinking of ever entering the dating scene--that's a whole 'nother issue! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ), I am looking forward to it, too.

Thanks for all the support that came from those of you who took the time to read my often-wacko posts and respond back with very good advice!

And for anyone reading this who is new to the whole infidelity thing who is in the middle of that agonizing, almost-paralyzing pain...

It really DOES get better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LL

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL,

I don't know what to say. You have done sooo well for yourself and come so far. I remember a year ago and how much pain me, SS, lostnhurt and you were all in. It was sooo horrible. But we had each other and we did it. We made it. Some of us went different ways then others but we are all here and we are still living.

I doubt you will be alone forever. But take it slowly. And thanks for all your help getting through the pain.

Lots of love and luck.

HINY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Very nice post. I am sure that many here need to hear your "personal" success srory.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HINY,

I remember too! I'm so happy for you and for SS, that your marriages are recovering. I know yours has been tough, but you're making progress. I lurk over here (and even over on Recovery from time to time), just to see how you guys are doing.

I haven't seen anything from LNH for a long time now. Maybe I've missed her posts. I hope she's doing better. She was much stronger than she thought she was.

Thanks for posting!

LL

Lordslady: I am encouraged by your story. I think our situations are probably very similar. I'm going to file for divorce 01/03. I am a woman of God too. I believe this is going to be a real step of faith. I too wanted to save my marriage. I really love my husband. But, he will not change his ways. He doesn't want to be divorced. He is perfectly happy having his cake and eating it too. He too, has a substance abuse issue and treats me very badly at times. We've had a rough year. He doesn't know that I'm filing for divorce. I filed 1 year ago and after six months of separation (I had him thrown out and he's still very bitter, he got abusive when the OW situation was uncovered) I thought I saw repentance. But, it was only remorse. Within a couple of weeks he was back to his old ways. I fought to keep him. I felt God was leading me to let go even then. But, I didn't like God's plan. I know God is taking me on a faith walk. In some ways I'm lonely and scared and part of me is excited to be through with the past and moving on to the future. We have been married 20 years in April. Together 25 years. It is difficult to let go. But, even harder to try and hold on. I know that he is going to get mean again once he is served. Please keep me in your prayers. I'm glad you've healed some. And, you're so right. Rom 8:28. Try reading Isaiah 54. It's for us gals and its so awesome.

In His Love,

Eagleswings

Hey LL,

I haven't heard or seen from LNH either in forever.

Personally I think you are much better now than you were before. You are strong now without him. The alcohol thing is a major factor in life. My first marriage was to an alchy and it sucked big time. I didn't stay married long only 7 years. I just couldn't do it. He was having an affair with a beer can most nights. I definately came in second. NC wasn't an option. I know your DD is driving you nuts but it will sort itself out eventually. Teen girls are crazy......remember?

Great to hear from you.

HINY

Hey girl! Great to see your update, and I am soooooo proud of you. This is what we all could see in you, almost a year ago. I personally think you have just scratched the surface. I mean, WHAT are you capable of, without having to drag around ALL THAT OTHER STUFF that you have for so long???

And, now that you gained your weight back, you don't have to pin your clothes on anymore! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keep lurking and posting, girlie. There are many people in the sitch you have been in, and could use your 20/20 hindsight vision.

Take care, Spidey

Great to hear some peace in your life for you LL

ALL the best in the New Year <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Lord'sLady --

I didn't post to you much. (I don't post much at all), but I have followed your story since your arrival here and it is wonderful to hear your positive tone. You've come such a long, long way. You've overcome, fear, despair, anger, all those things and you sound GOOD!

Good for you LL. I'm so happy for you. I know you will have a wonderful full life. You are a giving and loving person.

Happy New Year!
Shellybird
BS -- ME -- 45
WS -- Him --52
2 sons -- 10 and 15