I have been lurking since the end of July. I discovered about my wife's affair 7/20/99.The <BR>affair began 4/15/99 became physical around 6/18/99 and ran every day for about a week. OM ended relationship 7/1/99. He was 7 years younger than my wife who is 46. I am 53. He was getting a divorce. I think he used her because on 7/1/99 he annouced to her he was getting engaged to another woman and moving out of state. She went into withdrawl big time and that is what led me to find out. Here is my problem, and what I need advice about. We have been married 23 years. We always got along well but not real close emotionally.<BR>My wife comes from an alcholic family so emotionally it has been push me away pull me in emotional rollercoaster. I always took the push aways as rejection and I became Passive /Agressive. I shut down emotionally about two years ago( I just could take the Pain)which<BR>set her up for the affair.<BR>Most of the people who post would love the fact that the other guy is gone. We did the emotional needs thing and over the last few months things have been returning to normal.<BR>I have done everthing she asked for in the emotional needs questionaire, and she has pretty much followed what I needed except for <BR>affirmations of her feeligs for me, which I ranked as my number 2 need.<BR>I have forgiven her for the affair, and we are so much closer now than ever before. I still get upset every 4 to 5 days hurt, cry, feel generally crappie. I have told her when the spells of depression or what ever it is are spaced out longer it because she is letting me know she cares and loves me. When she does not they happen more frequently.<BR>She says by me asking for affirmations of her affections I am forcing her to say things she wants to happen naturally because she is feeling them. Folks I can get by the affair<BR>I do not know if I can continue without some<BR>statment of love from her. Am I crazy? <P>

This can almost be a separate issue, one of depression and sadness. Sometimes the more I read about affairs, the more depressed I get! The bouts are worst when I am alone, when I have time to review the whats and whens. She needs to be a bit more accomodating with your need for reassurance and affection, but remember - she got dumped by the "love affair of the century" and probably has many issues she isn't dealing with. Try inquiring into her misery, her feelings of desertion by the young stud, and you will have an opportunity to share yours.<BR><BR>Keeping busy is a REAL good idea. Read interesting and engaging things, do things that require brain power. Call Steve Harley - he is great, and he has a LOT of answers to our commonly asked questions. And remember, helping others is away of not wallowing. Read and respond to those in this section as well as the "emotional needs" section. You possess great value in your experience that others need. Healing others will heal yourself, as well!<BR><BR>My best, RM

Thanks Megan. She has told me that she rarely<BR>thinks of him anymore, and that she wants our marriage to work. I do to in the worst way. If I could stop these feelings of hurt, pain, and anger. I feel I would be home free.<BR>Then I just need to learn that she is not a demonstraive person when it comes to showing affection, and love her for being who and what she is.

xjnelson,<P>I have a couple of suggestions to put with Megan's. <P>The first is that you should be evaluated for depression by your doctor. I'd advise you to go on antidepressants for a course of 6-12 months---it'll help level out your emotions.<P>The other area that I suggest you work with your wife on is this "affirmation of affection". Using the Policy of Joint Agreement, try to set acheivable, verifiable goals in terms of your wife giving you this affection.<P>While you don't want to "force" her to say things she isn't currently feeling, a very common (and successful) technique to return feelings is for her to do an "Act as if..." experiment where she does say these things (even if they're forced at first). If she gave it a month, she might find that by the end of that time she would be feeling them as well as saying them. But you should both agree on this course of action. Suggest it---see what she thinks. If she doesn't like it, ask her how she would be comfortable "affirming" her love for you. It could be written, non-verbal---there are lots of things. And once she agrees on some course of action and follows through (and you're aware of it), you're going to feel better.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Then I just need to learn that she is not a demonstraive person when it comes to showing affection, and love her for being who and what she is.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's a very noble thought. But it's typically bad for the marriage. What you both need to do is to acknowledge that YOU NEED demonstrative affection, and that this isn't her innate style. And then negotiate, using the Policy of Joint Agreement, until you come up with a "win-win" situation. Anything less is lowering your expectations of your marriage, and it will affect your love for each other.<P>

I can relate to your need for affirmation of feelings. That has been a real problem for my husband. He has been "doing" things for me that he never did before. He is much more thoughtful and he is really trying. I did get a "me too" today when I told him I loved him. That's progress.