I have been divorced one year. Several men have asked me on dates, but I tell them I can only be friends for now. Each one brings me flowers, small gifts, and takes me to nice events or dinners and they pay the tab. I don't want to get serious, but just have male friends and see who I eventually enjoy being with the most. Should I be dating only one person, then break up with that person and then date another? Or is it okay that I go to dinner or events with various gentlemen? Should I go dutch every time so they won't think we are going steady? I can't afford to pay halves on the fun things we've been doing. My living room has three bouquets of flowers in it. Should I not accept flowers or gifts (teddy bears, etc.)? I am keeping things platonic but feel guilty as I see they seem to develop feelings for me after a while despite me keeping them at a physical distance. I'm confused as to whether to feel guilty about the attention or whether to just enjoy myself. I know Dr. Harley said to date only men you would consider marrying, but I have trouble figuring that out when I barely know them, and some of them improve after making small changes for me like not drinking, etc. He also said after you date 30 men you will likely find someone compatible. Does he mean date each one for a while, then break it off, then another, etc. I'm young at heart, outgoing, and like the variety of my life right now but wonder if I'm going about this in the wrong way since some of my men friends have grown fond of me and consider me more than a friend. I make it obvious we are not going steady, so does my responsibility end there? Would love advice!!

Have you read this? Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Yes, I've read Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders. Plus HNHN, LB, Marriage Insurance, HWSW & its workbook. Am an almost-daily radio listener too.

(edited--added:)
Thanks for mentioning BRF--I got out my copy and might could use the questionnaires in the back, etc. It's been a long time since I read it--going to go through it again.

Friendship between men and women is the breeding ground for romance. Even if you tell someone it is a friendship to you, that will not prevent him to fall in love with you, if the love bank balance gets high enough.

If you date, chances are, you fall in love. That's the reason why Dr. Harley tells only to date men you would consider marrying. If women fall in love, they don't make intelligent decisions regarding that man. Man are less "dumb" when they are in love.

So if you know for sure you don't want someone to be in your future, don't be friends.

With all the male attention you receive, it seems you have a character that provides you with a natural way to make love bank deposits. If you meet someone you really like, it might be surprisingly easy to make him fall in love with you.

Magster,

I'm going to be in the mirror situation soon (D from my WW is final in 10 days), as I try to figure out the rules for dating women again. :-)

In my opinion, if your dates send you flowers and gifts, you should accept graciously. As long as a woman is honest and upfront that she's not looking for a steady boyfriend, I don't see why a man should have a problem with that. Regarding "breaking up", my opinion is that unless you agree to an exclusive relationship, there is nothing to break up. You're just dating, and seeing where it goes. Nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. In fact, it's the same approach I intend to take when I eventually start dating again.

I can only speak for myself (49 and traditional upbringing), but while I would appreciate the offer to go dutch, I would expect to always pay for the date. Maybe for something like coffee I might occasionally accept the offer, but otherwise (dinner, movie, shows, other events..) I would go in expecting to pay. If a date was firm about going dutch I certainly wouldn't insist to pay, but otherwise I would always expect to pay. Am I too old-fashioned, would a lot of women find this offensive? I'm just a traditional guy, and wish to treat a woman with respect, though in the modern era I don't know if the definition of respect has changed. I know that I occasionally get a dirty look when I hold a door for a woman, which baffles me. I hold doors for both men AND women, it's just being polite!

I've also read BRF, and will read it again. If you search around the forum, you'll find some good threads about dating. As it's been nearly 27 years since I dated, I'm also curious how to go about this, as I expect it will be very different than it was dating in my teens/20s. :-)

Hi! I also get a lot of attention from men and one of the hardest thing to wrap my head around in BRF is that you really are suppose to be a freeloader (which feels like I am using men to a degree) at first.
However, if you are upfront and honest with them then I feel like it covers it.
For my own peace of mind, if I see them for 3 months- I can tell by this point in my freeloading spirit that I don't want them- then I end my outings with them and let them know I will never be interested in a romantic relationship with them.

The point of being a freeloader at first is to make sure your heart doesn't get so involved that when you see the red flags- you don't care enough about them and can end the relationship.
It isn't to be able to use guys for a long period of time just because it is nice to have the attention.

It can also help because if one finally comes along that you find yourself really liking to still freeload a while to make sure and then you can finally become a renter (that is where you make a commitment to only date them) Even in this place you are still checking them out so if after a while they show to many red flags you don't feel stuck and at that point should "break up" with them. It is harder as most people will fall in love during the renting stage which is why it should be hard to get to that point.

It is why I think the free loading stage is sooooo important! No commitment, can leave on a dime, no real investment emotionally, and watching to see if you should invest. This shouldn't go on forever though (which is why I gave myself the 3 month rule) as the longer you go out and let them fill your LB, feeling will follow.

So MAGSTER:
1.Drop the guys you know you will never have a future with so your not just using them.
2.Give yourself a time frame of how long it take for you to see if they are real potential or not. If you just go on and on knowing there is no chance- your wasting yours and their time.
3.Be upfront your are friends for now.
4. I would allow the gifts etc during this stage and paying for meals. They are after all trying to prove that they have what it takes to be a great partner for you.Your freeloading now.
5. If you find one that really matches, consider moving into renting stage. This is the point of freeloading- not be freeload forever, but to see who is worth becoming a renter with.
6. The 30 men is more a reference to if you dated 30 men that you more than likely would find one worth committing too. Sometimes that is after 3, sometimes 15 and sometime closer to 30.