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Joined: Nov 2017
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We have been in a tumultuous relationship for 8 years that just ended. Broke up and got back together a few times during the years along with some affairs on both sides which means honesty and being faithful is an issue. But we both love each other tremendously and realize that we can live with each other's faults even though they don't meet the traditional guidelines of what makes for a good relationship.
Should we follow our hearts and ultimately get married this time? Or use our heads and realize that we don't have what it takes for a successful relationship and go our separate ways for good this time?
Thanks in advance.
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Joined: Oct 2005
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Bowok welcome to MB! Have you read any of the materials here? Have you heard the radio show? If you want to get married, have you read about the plan here to affair proof your marriage? Are you both ready to become buyers?
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Joined: Oct 2005
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What kind of faults are you talking about? Buyers are ready to eliminate behavior that would harm the marriage.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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We have been in a tumultuous relationship for 8 years that just ended. Broke up and got back together a few times during the years along with some affairs on both sides which means honesty and being faithful is an issue. But we both love each other tremendously and realize that we can live with each other's faults even though they don't meet the traditional guidelines of what makes for a good relationship.
Should we follow our hearts and ultimately get married this time? Or use our heads and realize that we don't have what it takes for a successful relationship and go our separate ways for good this time?
Thanks in advance. Hi bowok, I am not a fan of "follow our hearts" because it leads to bad decisions. Are you living together? Why have you been together for 8 long years and never got married? What are the "faults" that are harming your relationship?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2003
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Guess your answer comes down to "if" the 2 of you are willing to change. Fundamentally.�
If your not, then why bother to get married. The same dynamics will just continue to follow you both.
However, if BOTH of you are willing to adopt a new philosophy and ultimately new habits ....then yes, marriage could be a good choice.
Please read all the basic info available, and if it resonates with you, then invest in some of the Harleys books, which go into the MBer approach in more depth.
Get your head some better direction and your heart can follow.
Have a good Holiday.
Fooling people is serious business, but when you fool yourself it Becomes Fatal.
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I have a basic understanding for the concepts. Besides dishonesty and infidelity, we can take each other�s crap that most other people probably couldn�t deal with it. Dosn�t have to be marriage. It can be about restarting the relationship.
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I have a basic understanding for the concepts. Besides dishonesty and infidelity, Infidelity wouldn't count unless you are married. However, dishonesty is a deal breaker in marriages. Dating is a job interview for marriage, so if the person lies in the interview, do you hire them? No. The purpose of dating is to find the BEST MATCH, not to settle for the worst. we can take each other�s crap that most other people probably couldn�t deal with it. But you have broken up. Why would you want to be with someone with whom you have to "take crap?" Why not find a more appropriate person to be your spouse? Dosn�t have to be marriage. It can be about restarting the relationship. What about dating others to find someone who is marriage material? Instead of wasting time with this person, you could be using that time productively to find a more appropraite person. Dr Harley recommends dating up to 30 people to find the BEST MATCH. Sounds like you are trying to settle for a bad match, not a good strategy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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In a healthy relationship, one doesn't "take crap." I have been married for 17 years and we are still in love because we don't "take crap." If I do something that bothers my husband, I stop doing it. The same with him. Good marriages don't put up with "crap," they eliminate it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2003
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bowok,
thanks for the response. Please don't forget others when they give of their time as well.
First, I only included marriage because I thought that is what your initial post inquired about.
Next,
I only know you from 2 short posts.
With that in mind, perhaps you and your boyfriend cannot really accept all the other "crap" you refer too, which is at least in part, leading to all the infidelity and dishonesty.
Something to consider.
Actually I responded to your post to let you know that yes you can have a better relationship. However, it will just be more of the same results if you continue doing the same actions.
Lastly, if you do decide to stay together, yes please, restart the relationship on a healthier foundation.
Keep in mind getting out of your rut (of many years) will take effort and will be frustrating at times. Habits are tough to break. Lifelong ones even more so.
Truly hoping that change for the better is in your future. Either with him or alone.
I guess if your forcing us to choose, I'd hope that your Head is telling you to either change OR get out. Status quo appears to not be working for either of you.
The MBer road map can serve you well, regardless if its this current relationship or a future one.
Take care.
Fooling people is serious business, but when you fool yourself it Becomes Fatal.
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Read this and listen to the radio clips in here. Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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