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Jdreaux Offline OP
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Hi need advice. I�m not attracted to my wife anymore. It�s not just an attraction issue, it�s a emotional well being.

Before I met my wife I was attracted to shapes though I have a preference like most all of us do. When we met I feel in love with the companionship we had with one another.

After we got married I got to know her more (I know imagine that) but there were things that bothered me. Not just annoying habits but her persona. She acts like a man, she use a deep voice when she�s speaking in public, and hunched over when she walks, ...but probably the worst things is her general attitude toward things around her.

She often disregards problems and issues as a fault not of her own. For example when the newly appointed president was elected she was have breakdown because she did not believe he would be a good president. She got so angry and upset that I did want to be around her. She then got angry because I didn�t want to be around her. Then I told the honest reason. She was getting upset on something that was out of her control, and I didn�t want to be around her because she couldn�t control her anger.

She instead put the reaponbility on me because I didn�t want to be around her and didn�t want to take any responsibility for her actions.

Side note: she says honestly and openness is one thing she wants most

The attitude has turned me off, skipping longer story I�m at the point of being emotional dead to her. If she did come back home I would be fine. We like roommates now.

Which leads to say I�m not physically attracted to her. Yes she�s over weight and she�s says she goes to the gym and had a trainer (which I�m paying for) but she�ll come home and eat Mac and cheese, burgers, pizza, cake, and drinks.

All the physical qualities of her I can deal with but it�s only dwarfed by the emotional intelligence and attitude of my wife.

She is not abusive but she is neglectful and responsible.

Should I stay?

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Hi Jdreaux, welcome to Marriage Builders. A few questions. Are you married? How long? Any children? Have either of you had any affairs? Any alcohol or drug addictions?

Quote
If she did come back home I would be fine. We like roommates now.

Has she moved out? If so, why did she move out and where did she go?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Jdreaux Offline OP
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Yes we�ve been married 1.5 years. No children. No affiars. No addictions. I meant to say �if she did not come home I would be fine. We are like roommates now.� So we do live together, she hasn�t moved out

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Gotcha. We have had situations like this come to the forum and the solution is to fall back in love again. Read this thread; Dr Harley even weighs in at one point: here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Jdreaux Offline OP
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I did not see Dr. Harley�s commits on that thread anywhere. Please point me where. I do see ETW dilemma. But my wife doesn�t not meet any of my emotional needs and I have expressed to her about my attraction to her.

We have seen 2 counselors 3 pastors and she will not pick up a book like Harley�s to work with me.


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Did you read the whole thread? One of Dr. Harley�s comment is on page 3 of the thread.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
ETW:

I've had several cases like yours where a husband never did find his wife attractive, even when they were dating, but married her for a variety of reasons, usually because she was pregnant. My approach is to help her make as many Love Bank deposits as possible in ways that do not require physical attractiveness, mostly with recreational companionship. My standard assignment is for them to exercise together regularly, and to be together for all leisure and recreational activities. One husband who I counseled, and followed my plan even though he didn't think it would work, called me from his car one day to tell me that for the first time in his relationship with his wife, he was in love. He couldn't wait to be with her, and he found her to be very physically attractive.

While it's true that physical appearance can make massive Love Bank deposits with someone who is not in love, being in love can make an otherwise plain looking person look physically attractive.

So in summary, I would suggest that you focus your attention on exercising together (which would help shape her up), and don't do anything recreational without her. But when you exercise, avoid having other women, especially attractive women, exercising with you. And remember my cardinal rule: 15 hours of undivided attention every week spent in meeting the emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship. I wouldn't tell her that you don't find her attractive, though. Instead, I would invite her to join you in these activities that you feel would bring you closer together.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Jdreaux
I did not see Dr. Harley�s commits on that thread anywhere. Please point me where. I do see ETW dilemma. But my wife doesn�t not meet any of my emotional needs and I have expressed to her about my attraction to her.

We have seen 2 counselors 3 pastors and she will not pick up a book like Harley�s to work with me.

The solution is to learn the program and sell it to her. A "counselor" or a "pastor" does not have a plan. We have a plan here. I would start with Dr Harley's book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love and sell it to her. If you need help, you can contact Dr Harley at his radio show by sending him an email at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. He will help you for free.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Jdreaux,
Post #2706386, if you haven't changed the number of posts per page (i.e. if it is 10 per page) then it would be on the second page.
Dr. Harly's username is in RED
So it should jump out when scrolling through the thread.
I think that although ETW's situation is a lack of physical attraction first, that the MB concepts will help you.

Here are a couple of links on conversation - I am open to being corrected, but it might be good to start here - try modelling what you are looking for in a conversation.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html

If your wife is dwelling on situations that are beyond her circle of control, could you turn these into hypothetical discussions only - "Honey, we didn't cause the current president to be elected, and yes, I agree with you that he isn't good for this country" (I am assuming here based on the tone - my apologies if I read that wrong) "but we have to find a way to make the best of it, every time a new president is elected some of the people are unhappy, we can suffer from that, or figure out how to continue growing. How would you like to tackle this?"

I may be optimistic, but this seems like a great way to investigate and pull info, use the friends of good conversation here. Explore.

Good luck.

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Jdreaux Offline OP
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Please do think it�s the physical attraction part.I�ve dated models, fitness athletes and other physically beautiful women.

The issue is her... persona... how she acts and carries herself. I�ve addressed the issues. When we go out on a date she�ll put both elbows on the table, she�ll hold on to the utensil like a scoop, put her head directly over the plate, and then eat it while talking or with her mouth open. It�s how she acts is unattractive.

I�ve memtioned small things like that before and big things; meaning if we could change the big things the small things won�t matter. But, when I mention something she will cry and say �I can�t do anything right for you.� So I have to concentrate on building her back up but she won�t change the habit.

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***Please don�t think it�s...**

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Nope, I wasn't thinking it was physical - in fact I commented that it seemed the opposite.

So, can you build on the positives, and is it fair to say that what you see as negatives are "Annoying Habits"?
Also, I am guessing, from your last description that these are her normal mannerisms, were these displayed before your marriage? How did you feel about this then? What has changed?


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5053a_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5053b_qa.html


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Jdreaux Offline OP
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Yes, they are annoying habits.

In the beginning the manners were fine. I think it was the normal �let me impress you phase.� I noticed a few instantes but I passed them off as everybody has bad habits. Then we got married and comfortable.

Background: we waited until getting married to have sex. The sex has turned me off (that�s a whole other issue) but the this issue is getting to the bedroom. I see all these bad habits and mannerisms and I get turned off.


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Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
Jdreaux,
Post #2706386, if you haven't changed the number of posts per page (i.e. if it is 10 per page) then it would be on the second page.
Dr. Harly's username is in RED
So it should jump out when scrolling through the thread.
I think that although ETW's situation is a lack of physical attraction first, that the MB concepts will help you.

Here are a couple of links on conversation - I am open to being corrected, but it might be good to start here - try modelling what you are looking for in a conversation.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html

If your wife is dwelling on situations that are beyond her circle of control, could you turn these into hypothetical discussions only - "Honey, we didn't cause the current president to be elected, and yes, I agree with you that he isn't good for this country" (I am assuming here based on the tone - my apologies if I read that wrong) "but we have to find a way to make the best of it, every time a new president is elected some of the people are unhappy, we can suffer from that, or figure out how to continue growing. How would you like to tackle this?"

I may be optimistic, but this seems like a great way to investigate and pull info, use the friends of good conversation here. Explore.

Good luck.

A better way is to stop talking about politics entirely. My H hates politics - I love it - so I never speak of it to him. This is why I suggested that Jdreax learn the program and SELL IT to her. She won't stop these lovebusters until she is open to changing her behavior. She needs a motivation to do so. That motivation comes from him selling it to her.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Jdreaux
Yes, they are annoying habits.

In the beginning the manners were fine. I think it was the normal �let me impress you phase.� I noticed a few instantes but I passed them off as everybody has bad habits. Then we got married and comfortable.

Background: we waited until getting married to have sex. The sex has turned me off (that�s a whole other issue) but the this issue is getting to the bedroom. I see all these bad habits and mannerisms and I get turned off.

SELL HER on the program. Motivate her to want to change her behavior but do it in a loving and respectful way. That starts with you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML,
Yes that would be better, and a better example.
Thank you

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Once my husband and I were sold on this program and the concept of eliminating lovebusters to make ourselves the most attractive, our habits changed. We each took charge of our lovebusters and eliminated them.

At the end of every date, we asked each other "was I very pleasant tonight?" We were open to hearing when we weren't so we could make those changes. Now, we don't even ask because have trained ourselves to be as attractive as possible to each other.

Another critical step is to make sure you are spending at least 15 hours a week out on dates. You cannot sustain the love in a marriage on less. Most couples neglect their marriages and then wonder why they fall out of love.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Here�s another good read and listen to the radio clips in here. The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Jdreaux Offline OP
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I have prayed and thought on it. What is the ways you all have to sale this to the other spouse ?

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Originally Posted by Jdreaux
I have prayed and thought on it. What is the ways you all have to sale this to the other spouse ?

The way I sold it to my husband was to a) learn the program, b) find ways it would benefit my spouse and c) sell him on those features and benefits. I became willing to change my bad behavior if it meant I would reap those benefits. People buy into things that benefit them personally. In my case, my husbands benefit was to have a great marriage where we were both in love. He also liked the policy of joint agreement because I was in the habit of making independent decisions.

This program will benefit you both immensely and once you explain to her, she will be able to see the benefit. But if you try to use it as a way to FIX her, she won't buy it.

That book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love, gives you a complete overview of the program. There are also free videos in the "Start here first" thread stickied at the top of this forum. You can get a free app and listen to the Marriage Builders show for free every day. It will really help you understand.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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