Thank you for listening to me ramble and I apologize for the long narrative.
My wife and I have been married for more than 16 years. First marriage for both of us.
I am 51 and WW is 45 and we have two daughters (12 and 14)
Overall, our relationship has generally been pretty good but lacks sizzle. We never really connected after we married. We both have successful careers but we share almost no common interests. This lack of shared interests has been a growing problem throughout our marriage.
Some Critical background information:
� Prior to marriage, my wife told me about her close male friend (firefighter who lives about two hours south of us)
� She told me she was interested in a serious relationship with this man but he never really pursued anything other than friendship
� My wife neglected to tell me that she had been intimate with this man
� This man attended our wedding
� He married shortly after our wedding.
� WW and this man (with my knowledge) occasionally spoke via phone several times per year just to catch up (My first big mistake)
� He divorced his wife three or four years ago

History of my WW�s affair(s):
INCIDENT # 1 (2011):
� I discovered WW�s EA with this man about 6 years ago after I became suspicious about an increasing number of calls from him over a 3 or 4-week span of time.
� I looked at her text messages and there were inappropriate expressions of feeling of admiration and friendship but nothing beyond that.
� I confronted WW and she promised to break off contact
� Intermittently, I questioned her about contact with this man but was always satisfied with her responses.
INCIDENT # 2 (August 25, 2017):
� I became more suspicious this past summer. WW had become withdrawn and was spending more and more time at the gym by herself (1.5 hours to 2 hours per evening after work) She also retreated to our bedroom as soon as our daughters went to bed.
� In August 2017, my wife�s sister spent about five days with us. She is from Florida. The three of us had been watching movies with the kids on a Saturday night and after the kids went to bed, my wife started to drink some wine. By 1am, wife disappeared upstairs to our bedroom. I went up to check on her after about 15 minutes. I found her in our bed pleasuring herself, with her phone in her hand. She immediately switched off the phone and I asked what she was doing but she turned over, mumbled something incoherent and fell asleep. I hesitantly checked her iPhone and saw some very explicit texts with pictures. None of the pictures included the man�s face. I also know that WW had not sent any explicit texts during this specific conversation but her responses to were very explicit. She has always been very reserved during intimacy and hated �dirty sex talk�. Needless to say, I was stunned. I almost fell over from shock. I showed my Sister-in-Law and she was shocked as well.
� I confronted her the next morning and she admitted it was her �friend� but downplayed the significance. She knew it was wrong but it meant nothing. She loves me and was only having a little fun. She admitted her little fling had been going on for about 6 weeks but denied any physical relationship with this man.
� WW swore she would have no contact with this man in the future. Like a real bonehead, I forgave her after a few days and things returned back to �normal�. In fact, things were actually better than normal for about a month and a half. We celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary in an amazing fashion. I was a total fool.
INCIDENT 3 (November 12):
� Although I wanted to believe my wife, I now started to review her texts and phone records. I also started to check the cell phone usage details.
� Everything seemed clean until late October. I noticed a new recurring number (different area code) on the usage stats. I did not say anything to WW. She was aware that I was checking the usage records every day.
� On November 2, I could not get into the Cell phone account. Someone had changed the password. We shared the account with my father in law and she said he probably changed it because he never remembers passwords. Unfortunately, he was on a cruise so I could not verify.
� I was able to guess the new password and get into the account. I could see in the account settings that WW had changed the password on 11/2. I did not confront her but continued to monitor the usage details.
� On November 12, WW had retreated to our bedroom by herself at 10:30. I went upstairs to check on her and again found her in bed with the phone. She had been drinking wine all evening and had fell asleep with her phone. I checked the text and saw some more explicit texts (no pictures this time). It looks like WW had initiated this texting session. I woke her and confronted her about everything. We talked about it all night long and she told me she is sexting anonymous people on the internet. We live in the Midwest and the area code was an Arizona number. She denied knowing the person she was texting. I figured it had to be the moron but had no proof.
� We did not talk at all the next day. She voluntarily relinquished her phone to me for three days. I finally gave it back to her on Friday because she uses it at work. She finally admitted to me that her friend had activated the Arizona number so they could contact each other again. She still swears she has never had a physical relationship with this man. I don�t believe her at this point.
She has lied to me repeatedly about her affair with this man and about an incident on Thanksgiving. My daughters and I travelled out of town to my family for the holiday. WW stayed home.
I am just really devastated by this situation. I told my daughters about WW�s affair because they had overheard our discussions and could sense the tension in our home.
� After reviewing much of the online Marriage Builder material, I definitely realize that I have been inattentive to many of my wife�s emotional needs throughout our marriage.
� WW admitted wrongdoing but denies any physical involvement with this man. My friends say I am acting like a gullible idiot.
� WW does not know what she wants but all but admitted to me that she loves this man (Of course she does).
� She is in counseling but I fear she is trying to find the courage to leave me for this man. She denies it of course. She says that she really just wants to get a little apartment and live alone.
� I am heartbroken. She has been a good mother and wife all of these years. Now, it seems like our entire marriage has been a sham.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has had to bring you here, but you have landed in a good place. Dr. Harley has 40+ years of saving marriages.

Is this OM married? Do you have spyware on her devices? Do you have contact information on OM�s family?

Hi ForWorse, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. My suggestion to you would be to expose this affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and this is part of the reason it has continued all these years.

Please go read the link in my signature, Exposure 101 and put together a strategic exposure, including the OM's family and friends. He is a rat who can easily be scared off.


It is very likely she has been checked out for much of your marriage due to her affair.

Start with exposure and we can help you affair proof your marriage after that.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I would also figure out how they are meeting up. Obviously they are hooking up for sex in a way you don't know about. You need to find out how WITHOUT ASKING HER. Part of the problem is that you have been "asking" her all along the way which has made it easier for her to conduct her affair. You should be snooping instead of giving her a heads up that you are suspicious.

Some ways you can find out is to a) hire a PI for few days, track her movements via GPS. If she has an iphone, you can find her frequent locations. Somehow she is meeting up with this guy.

ALSO, are you sure he is divorced? I find it odd she hasn't left you for him and that makes me wonder if he is not still married.

Hi FW, what a heartbreaking situation!

If it's any consolation, the other man seems to be of the garden variety sort. He's the type who never retires his black book, and so what if he doesn't love a woman? That won't stop him from keeping her on the back burner for years.

You have a really good shot at running him off because he's not invested. You have good odds here that an almighty exposure will scare him off, and will also show your wife just how much his pretty words mean.

After you have followed the steps in Exposure 101, I really recommend wifesdivorcing thread for dealing with the fallout and for snooping tips. He had a successful result from running off a divorced playah using exposure.

Hello Indiegirl!! Good to see you!!

Hi Mel!


Here's that thread For worse,

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=170321&Number=2840945#Post2840945

Thank you!

Thank you everyone for your responses. Things have changed rapidly since I posted last night. My wife admitted that the second cell phone interaction was with a Doctor at her hospital and she admitted that she slept with him at a hotel when my daughters and I were out of town for Thanksgiving. We are talking through things right now and she says she is being selfish and just wants out of the marriage. My daughters are distraught. They are staying with some friends this evening. We are trying to see if we can make our marriage work but my wife doesn't want to leave her job. She has a great job, is well-respected in her field and will likely take a significant pay-cut if she leaves. What do we do?

Also, I called and left a voicemail on the doctor's phone and told him to stay away from my wife. I also called the hospital and asked for him and left a message with receptionist that he slept with my wife.

I would first calm down and go read my exposure thread. Expose the affair using those tactics. Quietly expose the affair without forewarning the OM or your WW.


She should immediately put in her notice and never go back there. I would also expose the affair at HR at her workplace. Without forewarning her.

You need to read the exposure thread now and do this ASAP because you warned the affairees that you know. They will be busy spinning the story with lies about you.

This was a bad idea because you just gave him a heads up. You need to go to the hospital on Monday and speak to the HR director. Report the affair. This weekend, you can expose the affair to his wife and family members.

In the meantime, you should expose the affair to your family members. She should never go back to that workplace.

You need to follow up on the other exposures quite quickly now as you've tipped your hand. You want the exposures to hit them all at once like an avalance, not separately like snowflakes.

Read the exposure thread and follow the guidelines exactly.

Hi everyone,

Thank you again for your responses. I think I really screwed up the exposures. My wife talked me out of going to HR because she was afraid of the impact it would have on her career. I settled for demanding to speak with the affair partner. He is a physician at her hospital. We spoke and I warned him against having any further contact with my wife again. I told him this included both professional as well as personal interactions. He agreed to my demands. I don't believe him at all. He sounds like a narcissist with little or no empathy for his family or mine. I really screwed this up.

My wife now believes that everything is sorted out now. She promised me to have personal integrity and stay away from the doctor. She reassured me that she will contact me if the doctor tried to interact with her. She also shared her imessages with me so I know what is coming into her phone. I am pretty much screwed. I should have followed and trusted the process. Now my wife will feel like I betrayed her if I out her at work.

I should have added some additional information:

My wife admitted to two having sex with this man on two separate occasions. Of course she lied about the details before ultimately admitting the truth. She had sex with him in our bed while I was out of town. she originally told me they went to a hotel. I can't tell you how violated I feel right now. I can't sleep in that room. The second incident was at a hotel last Tuesday. She was having her fun while I spent the entire evening racing across the city picking our daughters up from sports activities.

I am keeping a journal and I am just blown away about how much lying my WW has done. Every time I reread the journal, I get a sense that marriage is over. How can anyone recover from this crap? She says she wants to try and make our marriage work but I have no reason to believe her at this point. She doesn't want quit her job, or relocate to a different campus. She says she does not care about this guy but has spent some time with him since June. He even popped by her office one morning when my 14 year old daughter was at work with my WW. My daughter recognized the doctors face from the hospital website. My daughters are rally pissed off at their mother. She sent a very nice text to our daughters yesterday explaining that what she did was wrong, she will not do it again, and we all need to develop trust with each other.

I really hope she does not violate this promise. It will break my daughters' hearts. How do I get out of this mess?

ForWorse,
Before others chime in - this hasn't sorted it out at all.
They still work together. So what happens from 9 to 5 (or whatever shift they are on together) you have no control over.
And as soon as they are on the same shift it will happen again.
As for not going to HR to protect her career, is her career more valuable to you than your marriage? Is it more valuable to your wife than your marriage? I am gathering that it is.
The truth is she did this to protect herself, but more importantly to protect the OM. After all he is in a position of authority over her. The consequences professionally to him should be greater than to her - did she feel she had to or else?

I am sure that others who have much more experience than I will come back and tell you to not shy away from going to HR. Don't let your wife, or the OM talk you out of it, and don't tell them that you are.
Just go, tell them of the affair, and that it could have negative consequences for the hospital - if you check MelodyLane's link I think there is a great letter to send to the workplace - adapt it, and use it.

Here is a link to another thread that is taking place now - very similar situation in terms of a workplace affair:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=181987&Number=3001548#Post3001548

MrWondering is a vet - who I believe has a recovered marriage - so he is speaking from the position of someone who followed the program, and has seen first hand that it works.

See my previous post first - this one won't matter unless that one is followed - in my opinion.

Have you come across the concept yet that your wife has been taken over by an alien? Keep this image in mind. She is not the women you fell in love with, and married. As she refuses to remove herself from his proximity, she is telling you who is more important to her - him, and the high she gets from being around him.
The steps are clear - bust the affair by exposing it - if she, and or the Dr. loose their jobs so what - this isn't a malpractice situation new jobs can be found.
As for trust - there are threads, and articles on trust. For example start with these two:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_trust.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html

Go through the precaution checklist (look-up it has already been posted to you). Implement everything there. If your wife pushes back on any point - why is she pushing back? Which is more important to her recovering your marriage, or protecting her fantasy, her independence, her secrets?

Get the book Surviving An Affair - this is the plan to survive and thrive (as a couple or as you) once the affair is busted. Read it, follow it.

If your wife really has broken off all contact (cough cough...) she will go through withdrawal - you should notice the changes. But someone else will be able to provide more on this.