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#3001633 12/07/17 08:28 PM
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jclove Offline OP
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I was referred to this site by a good friend. Am looking for some advice about a current relationship I am in. I have been dating a guy for 1.5 years. We read His Needs/Her Needs together at the start of our relationship, so am somewhat familiar with some of Dr Harleys ideas and teachings. Our relationship was pretty solid for the first year and 3 months, even though I have always felt that there was something mysterious/hidden. However, we both believe in transparency and have always let each other look through phone/texts/calls/emails at any time. Although, he has never looked through mine. I have looked through his probably 6 times or so in our entire relationship. Never found anything until recently. Under his google chrome search I found that he had been searching POF, a porn site and craigslist classifieds. He had all sorts of excuses for his searches i.e. he was searching for his coworkers ex who filed a restraining order on him, he was "bored and curious" etc. I jumped to the conclusion that he was hooking up with people. He adamantly denies ever cheating on me. I believe he never had physical or any interactions with anyone else. Yet I can't get over the fact that he was looking. I feel betrayed. He claims I am his dream girl and he is perfectly happy with us. That same night, he made a most hurtful comment about my ex husbands life insurance. He is so remorseful of all of it. It just doesn't add up in my head. We are going to a christian couselor who believes his past abuse is the root of his relationship issues. I can't decide if I should invest the time and energy into the relationship. If I will ever be able to trust him or if he will ever be able to be in a healthy relationship. Open to any ideas.

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jclove, I was married to someone who had sex addiction. He had to go through a number of counselling (individual counselling for his own issues, and couple counselling as his addiction was impacting our marriage). It takes time for anyone to get over addiction.

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jclove, the veterans of this site will be along shortly to help you.

In my opinion, I think you should trust your instincts. If your radar is telling you that something is amiss with your BF, then you're probably right. His "explanations" sound like he's trying to gaslight you.

To learn about gaslighting, read this: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1954175


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Originally Posted by jclove
. That same night, he made a most hurtful comment about my ex husbands life insurance. He is so remorseful of all of it. It just doesn't add up in my head. We are going to a christian couselor who believes his past abuse is the root of his relationship issues. I can't decide if I should invest the time and energy into the relationship. If I will ever be able to trust him or if he will ever be able to be in a healthy relationship. Open to any ideas.

Hi jclove, welcome to Marriage Builders. Dating is a job interview for marriage and I see many, many red flags here. I don't believe he is honest about his google chrome history. And he may have never cheated on you, but it does sound like he is trolling for action. If he has relationship issues he would not be a good candidate.

My suggestion would be to back off and start dating others. There are many other good men out there who don't have "relationship" issues who would be good candidates for marriage. But if you are locked into a relationship with this man, you are not free to date around.

I think your instincts are trying to tell you something and I would strongly suggest you listen! Good luck!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jclove
He is so remorseful of all of it.

Please don't let a show of remorse throw you off. Anyone can show "remorse" to get out of trouble when caught doing something wrong. Even a 5 year old can do that. It means nothing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jclove
I have looked through his probably 6 times or so in our entire relationship

Just know that he would delete anything incriminating. He just forgot to delete his browsing history. He won't be that dumb next time. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong and there IS something wrong.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I agree with the others that you should break up with him and date others.

Have you read Dr. Harley's Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Red flags prior to marriage rarely ever work themselves out in marriage. If you get a do-over then why not make that do-over with someone who has a moral compass and keeps honesty at the forefront of the relationship?

Adultery is awful, so stay away from those who do not know proper boundaries in dating. They will likely not change in marriage and you don't want to go down that slippery slope.

Think about it this way ... a man is a protector of his heart and his home. If he has friends and they have ex's that have restraining orders, then how serious is this man when it comes to protecting your home? I know I don't have friends who have DV issues, and if I was combing craigslist for info I would tell my loved one my plans prior doing it.

Careful with the Christian counselors ... past behavior doesn't warrant bad behavior of today. We all come from so many horrible families, but that is not a free pass to treat others crappy.

I recommend you continue the search and date more.

Last edited by My4Loves; 12/08/17 06:45 PM.

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