Alright, here is the play by play of my contact with OWBH:

1) Memorial day weekend after I kicked WH I sent emails to every address I could find of his. Said WH and OW are having an affair, he told me he broke it off but I found emails that they were in contact and talk of moving in together and that WH had moved out and i believed was living close to his area. BH responded to emails, saying he knew all this, knew they were still in contact. We had a few email exchanges back in forth with him not giving alot of info but saying he "knew everything". BH confirmed in our phone conversation that it was him in all the emails but the last one.

2) End of July I called him. Told him I had filed for divorce told him that OW had written in emails to my WH that he was "the love of her life" He said "i knew she was down playing her role" he said he was afraid she was just staying with him for the adoption and I said yes i'm sorry thats what there doing. He said she wanted to move out to one of their rental houses, OW came home and he hung up.

We never discussed it being a PA, I just made the assumption he knew, which was wrong. So he may or may not know that. In September on facebook BH liked a post that OW put up with a quote saying "I love us." I think she was talking about my WH because he wrote that in her to an email once, so him liking that is weird. WH has told his family she is "still with BH for the adoption." When I saw WH at his apartment I told him it was really wrong what they were doing to OWBH and that he is effecting the lives of children with his lies. He first said OWBH knows and i said "no he doesn't" then he said "I cant control what goes on over there."

So what do I do? When i asked about telling OWBH about the curling iron being at WH's house and the affair ongoing, Melody said not too. Said when enemies destroying each other you dont interfere. I do want OWBH to know, I dont want him to be tricked into going through with the adoption, however, it does seem crazy that he could not know this is ongoing. But ill contact him if its best. I'm just worried about WH preventing me taking the kids out of state for xmas in anger. During the divorce process I have to have written consent of the other parent to take them, which frankly I have ignored until now because WH has been withholding it to get me to communicate with him. But if he was really mad he could go to the court before I leave and get an order to stop me. I dont think he would actually do it though, but he could.

As for the adoption, I also believe OW won't leave BH and I do think its an excuse she is giving to my WH to cake eat. I still want to know when it is final because that should do something either way. Either she does leave, or she doesn't and WH sees he is the one who has suffered all the consequences to this and she ends up unscathed. Already in my break convo I could sense his resentment towards her for that saying "she will just slide back into her life." I guess it just gives me a point to look for something. I know thats probably misplaced.

When I told you that, I was under the impression that he knew everything about the affair. Obviously he does not. In that case, I would get ahold of him and make sure he knows the affair is a) alive and well and b) it has always been physical.


You need to drop this. You seem to be under the illusion that this event is a predictor of future events, but it's not. The adoption means nothing.

Good gravy don't you think he needs to?! If it didn't come up its because he DOESNT KNOW. He believes his wife has chosen their life and the baby before things got physical. Hell he probably believes she was providing him with radical honesty about an unwise friendship as a part of that choice.

In fact he told you that.

Now stop characterizing this as some kind of woopsie on your part. You know full well that you approached this timidly because you are used to cajoling and appeasing your H. You're afraid and fear is not a plan.



Oh hi there Amac's fear!

This makes me terrified for you. Youre willing to accept crumbs. You're essentially willing to appease an addict by helping him in his cover up. Yeah he's going to get nasty if his fix is interrupted by a clued up BH. That's a given. Unless you want him addicted for life (and even if you chose plan D I assume you want the real him back for the kids) you are going to have to get over the hump of fearing his anger.

Look, he's wayward. He's going to pull some nasty stuff REGARDLESS of what YOU do. If you really think it's possible to negotiate and appease - you're wrong.

You are like a walking Adele song. Learn how to let go love.

Why do you say I am willing to accept crumbs from him? I have accepted nothing that he has offered. And I'm certainly not appeasing him in a cover up, but as with the first round of exposure, its ALOT of drama with no reward. Im glad I did it so I can feel sure I did everything possible, and I will do it again for that reason, but at what point do i say OWBH is on his own? So I tell him these things, then what? When I talked to him in July he knew the affair was on going, knew they were talking everyday, knew OW was in love with my H and he was pressuring her to leave him and she was asking to separate. He was not under the impression she was choosing him. But still with knowing all that, nothing he did then or apparently since then has changed anything, so why would this info? Yes i want him to know because he seems to be just a fool, but i dont see any benefit in it for me. And frankly, when WH is happy in his affair he is more agreeable divorce wise, and at this stage thats what I care more about. I am under no illusion that his affair is going to end and suddenly he is not going to be a disgusting liar anymore. Its going to take a lot of time and work, if ever. I'd rather be divorced then wait around for that to happen.

I will contact OWBH and tell him, but is there an urgency to it? I would really like to travel stress free at christmas, and not have to think about the added lawyer fees and restraining order threats. Last time WH's call to my lawyer about the lame restraining order threat cost me $600. I promise I'll do it. And if for some reason it is better to do it before the holidays tell me and I will, otherwise I'll do it when I'm back from Utah.

Do it straight away!



If you plan b is what it should be, you should not be able to hear any of the drama. Do keep in mind too that the aim of exposures is to cause anger and upset. It makes no sense to be afraid of this:

Cheat sheet:
Things that make adulterers calm and amenable = bad.
Things that make adulterers head spin in rage = good.

Your H threatened this man with a RO so that you couldn't compare notes. This is a nerve. This is a target you can't afford to half [censored].



Yes but your hope was/is that by manipulating the truth so that OWH 'doesnt know the dirty details' and keeps her at home, there will be no 'commitment' to OW from your H. This is a nonsense plan based on that uninformed article you mentioned. Affairs dont need commitment, in fact it is the avoidance of it which enables them to flourish for many many years.



Nothing has changed because nothing has changed. They are still in affair mode, still sneaking around on a betrayed spouse. They have been able to spin a version that the OW is to be cruelly denied motherhood unless she stays in the marriage ...

The BH needs to be confronting your H telling him to stay away from his wife because hes not there for the adoption but for love.

He is not a fool. He is simply fighting for his marriage as are you. Men are more able and motivated to fight for a woman's love in person, without separation, which is exactly what Dr H recommends. Of course he has no idea the out of town online lover is accessing her physically.



We are actually more concerned about your personal healing than anything else. If you want to go plan D - fine. But personal healing doesn't involve fear and appeasement.

I am not sure why his threats are being attended to. How would you even know about them in plan b. I'm pretty sure biblical waywards threatened restraining orders and no one listened then either.

WH and OW threatened ME with a RO. WH called my attorney and told him "someone is going to file an RO against me." Of course this caused my attorney to make an emergency call to me that cost me $$$. Also, OW sent me a text threatening the RO from BHs cell phone pretending to be BH. I cannot prevent WH from calling my attorney, which undoubtedly he will do, then causing attorney to call me. I could preempt it a bit and email my lawyer saying do not respond to any messages from WH regarding an RO, but even doing that will cost me $$.

WH knows BH loves OW, and he has even said that he knows OW loves BH. WH said at my PB break in August, "thats the problem, everyone loves everyone." HA! He has also mentioned in the past that BH called him, which obviously I dont know if is true or not but I think it probably is.

I told BH to kick out OW when I talked to him! I know part of the reason it is ongoing is because it is still affair mode. I do not want to protect the affair. I want everyone to know everything, I just wish there was a way for it to be done where it didn't cause me drama.

I'm not trying to wiggle out of this. It has been nagging at me and I will do it. My plan is to call him on Friday. That way the fallout will be when my lawyers office is closed and maybe WH will have lost some steam over the weekend and wont bother calling my lawyer by Monday.

I know that they threatened you with an RO. They all do. What I don't know is why anyone cares.

Much of the problem you mention is due to the dragged out exposure. It's supposed to be done in one fell swoop, so theres just the one tantrum. Make sure you go through the exposure thread on melody lanes signature. If there were any other missed instructions finish them all up in one go now.

Fortunately you are in plan b so you wont see any tantrum anyway. His tantrums are not your problem. You're busy.



That's awesome if true and would confirm you have a fighter BH on your side. Congratulate him when you speak to him. Also confirm that this is true!


Seal up your plan B so you don't get any. I think your plan to preempt matters with your lawyer is a good one. I mean, I don't know why she's charging you every time your husband makes a prank call but if thats the deal, id take it.



This is pretty smart.

I found out a few hours ago that my son actually does not have the disease that I was told he had as a newborn and he was treated for and hospitalized. Its alot to explain, but basically we had both positive and negative tests when he has a newborn, but the disease is so deadly in newborns that regardless of the ambiguity he needed to be hospitalized and treated. I asked for the antibody test for the disease at his 1 year checkup because that was really the only way to confirm it or not. The disease is one that only is deadly to newborns and him having it now isn't a big deal, but finding out that he didn't have it is devastating to me. All of the pain and fear, for him and me, for nothing?

I cannot stop believing that WH's affair would not have gotten to the point that it did if that had not happened. Yes he was chatting with her and others before. But I believe I know the exact moment when he decided to take it further and meet her. I do not think that would have happened if I had not been so broken by what was happening with my son. Everyone is telling me he was already doing it and this didn't change anything and it just shows that he is not equipped to be a partner. He did fail in being a husband and partner in my greatest time of need, unquestionably. But I think it was the hardest thing that could have happened to me, and if I wasn't at my weakest he wouldn't have had this opportunity to fail so miserably.

Im very emotional and of course this news make me want to contact WH for alot of reasons. Yell at him for failing and also ask him if he would have done it anyway? He said before I knew of the affair that he was already disconnected before that happened, which was probably true. But i dont think he would have taken it as far as he did. I won't contact him. This is a good test for me, its very hard but I won't do it. I know whatever he tells me will not make me feel better.

I want desperately for someone to tell me he wouldn't have done this if that hadn't happened, but I dont know why.

amac, you can't change the past. You need to stop the mental masturbation. You have to deal with the present. Don't shoot yourself in the foot by calling him up; it will achieve nothing. Your husband would not have had an affair if he didn't have poor boundaries with women. Period.

Your whole life was under threat so a big bunch of adrenaline got dumped into your blood. You have to hand over tiny children to a man who is now a total stranger to you. More fix-it juice in the blood stream for you. Of course you feel pumped and are looking for completely unreasonable blame to take on with the overpowering sense of FIX IT responsibility adrenaline gives you.

You've been in plan B five minutes. This sensation will pass.





It really is this simple.

There are husbands on this forum whose wives are cheating on them, lost entirely to evil and their husbands are faithful in a way not called for by many.

You will be faithful too.





I know just how hard it is to lash yourself to this mast and get past the siren song. You are a heroine and you will get yourself on solid land I know it.

I forget these days.

To me this post reeks of Plan C

This kind of spiraling out of control with the thoughts of WH and how the A happened, etc, would be when I was not being completely dark - a family member would share something with me about xWH and OW or I had seen him or something.

You need to plug up any Plan B holes that you have. Are you friends with any of his family on social media? Are you looking at him or his car when he comes to your house? Do you have pictures of him around the house?

Plug up these holes and redirect your thoughts when they start trending this way.

It�s just ALOT of stuff in one week that did not have anything to do with present day WH. I have not seen him, his car, or looked at social media. But there was the request for an overnight through my IM last Friday along with the package from MIL, and then the test result, all within a 4 day span.

MIL is plan Bed. Overnights I keep waiting for an email from my lawyer that WH has contacted him, but true to form, knowing I�m not in agreement I think he will just withdraw from the conflict for the time being. The emotions over the test result were bound to happen and there is still ambivalence there that I�m dealing with, but I�m coming to terms with what is done is done regardless of the reason.

I�m still planning to contact OWH on Friday, so that should round out the week nicely! It�s fine, I�d rather have this stuff crammed into a short time time
period then drawn out.

That is the hardest part. When people hear my situation they assume I am the one who was not able to get passed the affair and that is why we aren�t together. Its very frustrating knowing I could forgive if warranted and I am strong enough to get through recovery. I said to my MIL at the beginning when she told me he doesn�t deserve another chance �what good is all my strength if i can�t use it to forgive him?� I�m trying to rechannel that though, and use my strength to give myself and my children the best life possible without him.

As a part of your Plan B, you need to pick better friends. You should be surrounded by supportive people, not defective people who blame victims for the crimes of adulterers. Cut these haters out of your life to protect yourself.

Don't see or talk to your mother in law.

Your mother in law is not Jesus, and she is not a therapist.

She is not giving you good moral teaching or good psychological advice.

She is selfish and self serving and is saying something to you that is selfish and self serving.

She's spray painting a steaming pile of horse manure gold and presenting it to you as a gift.

Eliminate the stench in your life from horrible people like this, who lecture you so they can get what they want at your expense. Plan A is for breathing fresh air, not wretched fumes like this.

You aren't seeing or talking to the mother in law still are you?

Make a list of additional people that you are not going to see or talk to any more. Put her at the top of the list.

Share your list with us so we know you're doing it. These people are the holes in your Plan B.

Can you block all the social media too? The early part of plan b is super rough. I don't want you to get tempted.



Yeah I agree. Plus it's just a check in with BH and letting him know stuff or have access to evidence. You don't need any updates from his end. Your ideas to keep WH from hassling you through the lawyer show me you're ready for some peace and a real plan B now.



Are they criticising you, or are they just making the same assumption (OMG nobody could forgive that!) that the uninitiated make? If it's the latter, you probably thought this about yourself once. But actually most BSs want to forgive.

If they're close, you just let them know about your plan B letter and conditions.
If they're not close, just say you don't want to talk about it. 60% of them will find out for themselves. No need to educate them.

I wouldn't talk about him more than you help. And I'd also keep busy.

Be really really nice to yourself this weekend and make some treats and favourite stuff happen.

Plan B, I mean.