I've only been lurking for a week, or so, but I read SAA and had a session with Dr Harley.

I'm putting together my list of who to expose my WW's affair to and I'm a bit conflicted on OM's family/friends.

He's a local Sheriff's Deputy and I've heard from three separate friends that they knew people who'd exposed a cop's relationship and had been harassed by law enforcement for years. One claimed it was so bad she just avoided the entire county.

FWIW, he's separated from his wife. I don't know when this happened. They were together in October, but he has his own apartment now and, based on his conversation with my WW, he's still fighting with his wife over money, so it must not be a done deal.

Should I be concerned by this enough to NOT expose the affair to his spouse/friends? How does the cost/benefit analysis play out in these sort of circumstances?

Hi Springville.

Exposure is really invaluable. It has a very good shot at saving your marriage (and you will need to just write the marriage off without it. Recovery is impossible if you still leave some corners of affair land unscorched). So if you don't want to do exposure in full, I would just move to plan Divorce. There's a lot of stuff regarding plan A which is not for the faint hearted but you have to be all in.

There's no guarantee, but running off an OM with exposure (who is usually a loser and easily scared off because he is using the WW for fun) is usually the golden arrow in your quiver. Without that you risk a) looking weak and like you are attacking your wife, rather than the affair itself and b) leaving the OM consequence free and able to attack your marriage whenever he wants, for the foreseeable future.

In other words if you want recovery, you gotta.

Is this just a vague fear that police have power and you know that sometimes police are corrupt? Or do you know for sure that he belongs to a corrupt department who would close ranks and harrass you?

If it's the former, I would not stress too much. I've known corrupt officers in my time and they usually rely on secrecy, which exposures pre-empt. Sure they can get buddies to harrass people but the house of cards come down when everyone knows their tricks.

So I would only have concerns if it's the whole department. Even then there's a possibility of ousting them all.

So I guess my advice is this: a) the bigger the exposure the safer you are and b) if the whole region is run by OM and his corrupt buds, youd need to move anyway.

Another thing to consider is if he's using on the job time to conduct his affair, that's public money and you can go way over his head with that one.

Oh and not to mention that he is actively fighting with and gaslighting your fellow betrayed spouse. You could leave her in ignorance, but i would not want that on my conscience.

He's moved her on to the backburner so he can concentrate on his A with your wife. That's a dream situation for a male wayward. He won't give up on that set up unless you take it from him.

Plus what does Dr Harley say? I bet I know?!!

If you want to recover your marriage, you also will need to move (if OM is not relocated). Recovery is impossible if you can run into OM any day.

Plus, exposure might force HIM to move so you don't have to.

Though the best recoveries seem to involve those who get themselves out of dodge..

I would expose and if you are harassed, you can take it to his superiors. We have had betrayed husband cops on this forum and they were very cautious of their own behavior towards the OM because there would be severe consequences. This is a person of special authority so it is even more important that you expose him so he can't do this to other families.

Secondly, you really should plan to move if you want to save your marriage. Living in the same area with this creep will make it virtually impossible to save your marriage.

Hi, springville,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Glad you are here, but sorry for what brings you here.

Glad to hear you are speaking with Steve Harley (I presume it is Steve, the son, not his dad, Dr. Willard Harley). Be sure to download the Marriage Builders app and start listening to the radio show, too. You are going to need it!

YES, expose the affair. Police need to be held accountable, too. If they start giving you grief, take it higher up and/or move. Ultimately the wayward OM don't want the attention and will scurry away.

Very good point!

Yes. Your days in this town are numbered unless he leaves.

Even if you don't stay married, living in the same town with this dirtbag will keep you from recovering on your own.

So many responses... I didn't expect so many in such a short time.

I don't have any specific concerns about him, his coworkers, or his department... I'd just heard about others who have had problems and wondered if it was a valid thing to worry about.

FWIW, he's a deputy one county over. We go there a lot, but it's not a daily concern. He knows a lot of folk here, but I have no reason to suspect systemic abuse.

> Glad to hear you are speaking with Steve Harley (I presume it is Steve, the son, not his dad, Dr. Willard Harley). Be sure to download the Marriage Builders app and start listening to the radio show, too. You are going to need it!

Yes, Steve. I'm not sure how I missed that they were separate people Also, I had no idea there was an app. Thanks for that.

To give some background, WW and I don't have any children together, so Steve thinks my only chance I have is running Step 1 until I can't (and forgoing Step 2 all together).

I'm committed to trying, but I'm not hopeful when I read over and over that it only has a 15% chance of success.

I'll be running "exposure" tomorrow. I wanted to do it tonight, but I want to talk to her mother in person and she was doing church tonight. Most the rest are getting emails I've already written.

I'm ready to do whatever we need to fix it... I just don't seem much hope in that 15% number. I'll play the game till it's done, it's just hard not to feel defeated.

Also, potentially off topic... one of my primary ways to feel loved is through physical means. A touch, a glancing rub, or (obviously) sexual contact.

What's the MB's sanctioned opinion on sex during this time?

I don't expect we'll have it in the coming weeks/months, but a buddy of mine which ran this course recommended waiting until we were in the healing phase.

Considering that's one of the ways people get close that didn't feel like doctrine, I was just wondering the community's opinion.

(sorry if I'm asking stupid questions, I'm just lost and feeling terribly lonely... everything seems geared towards coupled who are sharing a household)

That 15% is quoted in error. I asked Dr Harley about that one time and what he actually meant to say was that 15% are ended by the wayward spouse herself upon discovery [without benefit of Plan A]. It is actually closer to 50% when you use Plan A. I have been here for 17 years and think the longer one waits to expose, the dimmer the hope of recovery.

Have you read my exposure 101 thread linked in my signature? It will give you tactics to get the best results.

Good luck on your exposure! Read through the exposure thread and leave no stone unturned. Tell us how it goes. She will be mad, which is a sign you've hit the target.

It's a bit delicate to mention this, but she needs to take an STD test.

If you're doing plan A you need to meet her needs with no reference to your own. But you take a firm stand on the affair.

Sure you're all in? Plan A is no cake walk and there're no kids to save a home for. I did the plans without kids and was happy with my decision because I knew I did all I could to save my marriage. I also learned a LOT. But a woman goes into plan b very quickly which is easier.

You should expose regardless because it will kick start your own personal healing. Exposure is the most important step. Make sure it is a thorough job. Follow the steps in melody lanes signature.

I agree with Melody Lane....15% is not accurate.

Plan A and exposure give you your best shot in the shortest amount of time. Most betrayed husbands eventually get a shot at choosing to recover or not. It might be, I'm guessing, a little bit harder when you don't have kids together and then a little bit harder still if your spouse has already been divorced before and moved on. I'm a numbers guy too and wish to encourage you not to get caught in the weeds trying to assess your chances.

You will 100% fail if the affair continues, so the only way to recover your marriage is to bust up the affair. Exposure is the best method of accomplishing that. Maybe his "chief" is a former betrayed husband and very religious and will threaten OM to end the affair immediately, or else. Maybe OM's momma won't take kindly to your wife knowing she's an adulteress and OM will dump her because there's no future to the relationship (which there isn't). Maybe OM will dump her simply because now the relationship is too complicated and he's no longer married (since he's divorcing) and he can date ANYONE instead of the small pool of wives willing to have an affair with him. Hopefully you won't have too much trouble with the police down the road but there are consequences to your wife's choices which may include things you'll need to suffer, however, you still have a duty to expose the evildoers.

I did also want to say.....It's gonna be REALLY hard if your relationship started as an affair. Your signature line kind of implies you were dating nine years ago and then got back together 7 years ago while also indicating she has a 7 & 10 year old by a former marriage. If she left that husband to be with you, she's likely to do the same to you. If this is true, and you do end up divorced one day, I hope you seek out her 1st husband and apologize to him.