He won't agree to get an MB coach because it costs money. I already have the books, but a coach costs either 500 or a little more. But he agreed to the free counseling on next Wed. So that put the filing date off a couple more days for me to get more help.

Waiting for an opportunity alone now for reference from one attorney to another. Hopefully I'll get some free time from him tomorrow for that. Have to find out Alabama laws on on maintenance. Got paperwork today from bank on all charges to my card for my support to him on business. Income is limited, he's on disability, & all I've found online is to his favor so I need counsel from AL lawyer as far as maintenance goes. He did grab me this morning in bed so that will be in my favor.

Still hunting a place to store my stuff in the meantime. Had hope from someone at CR last night at church, but the one that's like a dad told me about it. Haven't heard anything hopeful from his wife on that yet.
She did give me a couple of numbers to call for guidance & said I could actually live at Christian Mission for up to two year if I qualify for their guidelines. But with my car, I can't get ssi, so no $ to pay insurance or phone or gas.... Everything is up in the air right now & in God's hands.

Hopefully Alabama will require temporary maintenance. Only God knows right now. I took my seizure meds about an hour ago so maybe I'll get sufficient sleep tonight to function better tomorrow.

I'll let you know as soon as possible. H if off work tomorrow, so probably won't be much to tell unless God provides the opportunity.

Take care, I'm working on it. Forced myself to eat healthy canned sockeye salmon tonight. No vegs I need here, & he's eating out, so... I ate all I could until I started to get sick from eating. Almost like what I went through when I was little. Forced to eat food even telling my mother it was making me sick and then when I threw up she would tell & scream at me. Got so bad I developed a bleeding ulcer from age 5 until 11. I tried to go throw up & run off blood as quiet as possible, but she'd wake up & yell at me & blame me for that too. Stayed anemic & sick for years. Once my brother moved out, it took about a year for my stomach to heal, so I got better.

Mercy, I'm rambling on when I should be sleeping. Let you know soon as I find out something.
RMW

RMW, so your H not agreeing to getting help and coaching from other means is strictly for cost reasons? If so, can't you ask him to read Dr. Harley's books you already own? He can email them too at free of charge.

In the mean time, I am praying that you can get your questions answered related to maintenance. Many attorneys offer free consultation initially.

I am having a hard time today. I hate that I miss xBF so much. I must have been brain washed. When I picture him coming back to our house and picking on my son for every little thing, I know that I can't let him do that to my son anymore. I know that he is not capable of changing into a compassionate guy who will try to understand my son (or any other people who he views are weaker or not capable) and come up with constructive solutions to rebuild the relationship. That is a huge task, and he will not be able to nor he will be willing to master. I am better off ditching this unrealistic hope and move on. I know that, but it is hard. I really did not think it would be this hard to break up with someone who mainly used me for the past 5 years only with sweet words with no actions and who verbally and emotionally abused my son. What's wrong with me!

When you realize you are obsessing over something, how do you calm yourself? I am plenty busy at work, but still somehow manage to day dream about xBF when I have a pocket of free time here and there. I want to stay mad at him so that I do not have to miss him but for whatever reason, I keep remembering those few, lol, beautiful moments.

I read "How to Plan B properly", and that helped a bit. Still struggling.

Switch it out for daydreaming about the great life you have created for you and your DS!

Thanks NewEveryDay for the encouragement. Yes, each day I am trying to distract myself, think of other positives in my life, try to block the thought about xBF... When I feel vulnerable, I miss him the most. I am fighting to get stronger.

This morning I was driving and passed by a parking lot where xBF, DS and I came to park on the Independence Day this past summer to see the firework. I remembered the incident where an elderly man who was directing traffic instructed us to go to another level (xBF was driving), and because we always park at the same level every year with the VIP parking pass I get, xBF got really mad and tried to go around this man to forcibly park. The old man tried to stop our car, and I was scared that xBF may accidentally have run over this poor man. xBF told him to "come over here!", almost threatening, and I begged xBF to stop harassing this man. DS and I were mortified.

I remembered that vividly, that after that incident, my desire to break up with him got even stronger. He is mean to everyone, not just to my DS. Anyone who is in his way, he will attack. He always told me "DS does not like me because I am the only one who is in his way, you and DS's father cannot say no to him". But it's actually xBF who cannot take NO from anyone.

I don�t think it�s your anger for xBF that will keep you safe from him, it is your love for yourself and your DS and the life you�re creating. Have you reread Buyers Renters Freeloaders lately? It will help reinforce what you do want. You have so much love to give and such a sweet son and you two deserve nothing but the best!

Have you written a plan B letter? Even if you don�t give it to him, it�s a great exercise at looking at what you do want in a relationship and keep you from settling for less. After that the less you think about him the better.

That is a very good point. But I am quite weak right now, and when I think of 'love' for myself, it becomes my desire for 'getting out of this pain', rather than truly respecting myself and DS. It truly feels like addiction where an addict wants to drink or use drugs one more time to ease pain. So... I thought if I could be angry at him, it will make it easier for me to stop missing him. Hopefully in time, I can actually take care of myself and DS emotionally better, without feeling vulnerable, scared, lonely, and hurt. I am desperately needing hope, courage, peace, confidence, faith, and wisdom.


I read Buyers Renters Freeloaders a few weeks ago, but I will try to read up more till they REALLY hit me and make sense. Thanks for your sweet words, I feel very helpless these days, but need to stay strong for my son.


This.... never thought about it, but it sounds like a great exercise. I have never written a plan B letter, even though I am familiar with the concept through this forum. I will try to see if there is a good Plan B template I can refer to....

Wow Candycrusher! Your last paragraph seems to fit my H to a T except there are no children involved. Everything is either "his way" or it's wrong! I'm waiting to see how negative he comes across to the free Christian counsel session set up for Wed. In the meantime, still trying to find a place to store my belongings. I was told by a friend from CR, that Christian Mission has a shelter I could live in for up to two years as long as I follow their rules or something. Only thing that worries me on that is the fact that my car is worth enough that even alone I can't get ssi & I don't know if Christian Mission has a rule like that. But until I can get my stuff out of the trailer & stored somewhere safe, at least since I gave him a hand job 2 days ago, he has stopped giving me a hard time. Right now it's hard to keep my hopes up for figuring out what to go into & study for, and for the storage thing. Plus some smaller issues that deal with money. It feels like a blur in my brain when I try to figure out what to go into. All of the feedback I get online is negative or I would have a better perspective. And I don't know anyone I can talk to that can help give me the day to day of what any of these jobs would be (realistically rather than technologically).

I know when you get lonely, it's so hard to keep from daydreaming about the good feelings you had. Dr. Harley explained it's like trying to overcome a drug addiction (and then went on to explain why).

I don't know your willpower, but of you can learn to put the face of a disgusting drug like cocaine or heroin on his face & look at him as taking you on a "trip", only to bring you right back down to the bottom & needing another "trip", maybe that could help as well as the no contact letter, whether given to him or not. If fact, when you feel lonely, sometimes just sitting & writing out your present feelings, crying out the pain and then throwing what you wrote away. Then sit down & wright out a letter of how he used & abused you - the ugliest thing you can think of, and then fold it up & put it somewhere private for future reference or simply repeat the whole procedure next time you start hurting. I've had to do it in past breakups that I didn't want to leave, and in the end, the negatives were always more than the positives. Be sure not to write a letter saying anything good about him oe how he made you feel, only about the pain you feel now because of him. It's his bad behavior that has brought on this pain, so that is the truth about what he actually "gave" you. Not his slick, lies that could make you feel good.

It's not easy, and probably until you begin to be able to talk to men again, it won't ease up that much. Not necessarily dating anyone, only friendship.

But if you don't feel strong enough for that even, maybe there are groups that you could go to for support in this area. Talking it out sometimes does help. I had to use both for one that I truly wanted to stay with, but found out he was a porn addict/sex addict. In fact, even though it's been over seven years since I've seen him, I can still remember the positives that pulled me to him. I still drive by where he & I lived together every time I get on the road to go anywhere. But over time, I've stopped even paying attention to that. Thankfully he & I haven't been in contact for the 7 yrs, so that helped a lot. It just didn't fix my problem with being able to see red flags when they occured or I wouldn't be where I am now!

Ugh. Kind of reminds me of an old country song I remember called Life's A Dance (you learn as you go) by John Michael Montgomery. Right now I'm having to hold on to whatever I cn find to pull through.

Hope maybe something said helps somehow. I hope you have the best weekend possible. Do something special for yourself if you can. Take care. HUGS!!!!
RMW

In the How to Plan B Correctly thread there an example Plan B letter from Dr. Harley�s SAA.

What self-care are you doing to move forward? We here at MB are big on coming up with plans and following them. One of the best things to help the healing process is to work on things you enjoy so you don�t have time to dwell on the past.

So what things are you doing? Are you in meetup groups or take a class you�ve always wanted? Or start a hobby you have always wanted or that you used to enjoy.

So what is your plan?

Thanks RMW. It's ironic that you are asking about my will power. That's something I tell my DS (he has no will power...lol). When it comes to work, I have strong will power, but when it is related to 'pain', I have no will power. No wonder my son does not have any. Sigh. So your H is a controlling guy as well. I understand how you feel at home with him... Does he pick on you as well? I remember often praying that xBF would be out with his friends in the evening so that I do not have to see how he picks on my son. When it's just two of us, I wanted to spend time with him. But xBF will ALWAYS find something negative to say about DS... it really was not pleasant to witness all that negativity. I hope your Wednesday counselling will have some positive impact. I'm praying for you.

BH, thanks for the suggestion. When I absolutely do not think about xBF would be when I am enjoying my hobby (I take classes 3-4 times a week) and when I am spending time with my son. Although even with my son, sometimes this 'lost' dream of having a family creeps up on me, making me extremely sad. I know, with xBF, it would not have been a happy bright family. I am just depressed about a fake, unrealistic picture I had in mind that I never really had in the first place.

Bless you Candycrusher, I understand about lost dreams. I've been struggling with that my whole life. My first one was to get a positive word from my mother on my efforts to live up to her praising my sister for becoming a nurse. Somehow my honors in school (my sister is 10 yrs older than me), even Who's Who among American High School Students wasn't even enough for a positive or encouraging word. It was all about my sister. I never could "live up to standard" enough to receive a comment of her being proud of my efforts. With my mom's demanding requirements of chicken farm work & me skipping school one day when my period started & my boyfriend picking me up to let me rest at his aunt's house, I ended up married at the age of 15. It was either that or no friends (since the age of 12) to interact with outside of school plus her judgement against me because of 2 of my older brothers getting girls pregnant, or stay locked up in prison at home with no-one at all besides her. She said, either marry or stop seeing him. So I picked getting married. Things would have gone well without my sister-in-law always coming around flirting with him once we did have a child together (about 18 mos into the marriage). If I hadn't found out they had been together & he had lied about who he had "been with" before we married, her flirts probably wouldn't have bothered me as much. But finding out about it later, totally turned me against any contact with her, especially when she got flirty with him. He didn't see it as a problem and after several mos, I told him it was over (I did warn him ahead of time, but he didn't put an end to it). The family didn't know about it, so I got blamed at 18 for the breakup of the marriage.(by my family) I didn't know anything about MB back then.

Since then, it seems like a downhill roll. I just kept ending up with one worse than the one before, because my family always blamed me. They never looked at the other side - so that's the type of men I learned to engage with. It felt natural.

I've learned a lot since I found out about MB, but when you're stuck with someone who only thinks of getting their own way, it does truly look helpless & hopeless. That's why I had to start looking towards just taking care of myself. And trusting that if God meant for me to be with someone, He would bring someone into my life at the appropriate time, who had no problem with learning MB ways of handling things, or I could learn to be happy single.

Sorry about the long post. But at least writing it down did help me finish looking at exactly what life could become either way.

Take care, HUGS!!!
RMW

You went through a lot RMW. You may not realize it, but these hard experiences have made you stronger. I, on the other hand, grew up in a very ordinary loving family, and never really experienced any hardship, so divorce was the hardest thing I experienced, and even now each breakup is so hard on me.

Hope you are having a good weekend. Are you prepping for the Wed session? List up all the questions and issues you would like to discuss with your H in front of the counselor - 1 hour is short, and you may not have another chance to go to counseling for a while.

Hi Candycrusher,
He has been a royal pill this weekend. But that's nothing new.

I have been going over things that need to be discussed, along with job & law searching. I called the counselor back & actually made a private session with him the evening before so that I won't get too out of line or off track. I don't believe it's really going to do any good after listening to H's mouth even today. At least I have some peace while he is asleep & I'm in a closed off, different room. I can actually breathe easier when I believe he will be asleep or gone for an extended period of time.

Hate to be ugly, but I really don't think I'll miss him. My biggest insecurity is financial. If I didn't have to worry about money, I would already be 100 miles from here & settling into a home of my own & schooling or a job I can enjoy for the rest of my life. If I had back the 10's of thousands wasted, I would never try giving him another chance. Timing....wow, what a factor!

Oh well. I just need continued prayers for positives in my life right now. Some of the negatives are positives in disguise I know, because they will bring on some type of growth, whatever it is. I just hope when it's over, things are divided fairly, and I get settled into my new life, that God grants me the grace of a period of time with at least very little growth -- i.e. rest & peace.

I hope things are going well for you. How are they going? How are you fairing? If you feel up to it, tell me all about it. You and the lady across the road from me are the two nicest females I know. The only two I can actually open up all the way with. So I would like to be there for you too.

Take Care & Big Hugs!!!
Hope to hear from you soon.
RMW

Well he just had to get up & start with negative comments again disrespectful judgements & threats all mixed together in one. He said, "what would you do if you lost your phone?". He knows that now I can't even afford that & he's already threatened me about the phone before.

I took a moment, turned on the audio recorder & calmly let him know why it was hard to keep contact with him & that if he would try the old, "If you don't have something good to say don't say anything at all" it would make things a whole lot easier to do.

Then be questioned "what is this thing Wed all about". I just calmly replied, "he didn't say. You heard him just like I did". He just shut up after that & waited to see if I would say anything else, and after about 10 minutes of me being quite, he got up & went back to bed....it's 1:30am.

At least there was no fighting in spite of his behavior. Praise the Lord for that!!!

But I need a true miracle from God where financial situations are concerned. Just having to deal with him is making me swell in my hands for sure. I wasn't in physical pain before he got back up & now I am again.

There's so much to get done & so little time to get it done. He already paid all of his insurance on the truck & hasn't helped me out 1 cent. If it weren't for me & My 29 yr membership with USAA he would be paying almost twice as much just for his truck. And he thinks he's the only one doing the giving. Oh well, that's just who he is, honestly, whether he gets his way or not. He uses everyone he can in everyway he can. I've seen it wasn't just the alcohol that the Dr told him he had to give up or die. And that CR didn't really stick with him, he was just using it to con me back in.
He fooled me into thinking he had changed. That won't happen again. I've seen way too much of who he is and the BEST nowhere even exists compared to even his everyday negatives & especially not his worst.

Take care, hope you have a good week coming up :-)

Well, he got up again & said forget counseling, that he wasn't wasting his time. .....

RMW, what is your financial situation? Do you have a job? Are you looking for a job? What is your skill set?

Actually, can you start up your own thread so we can give you some feedback on your situation? Others might be able to help but I don't want to threadjack Candycrushers thread.

Candycrusher, I'm still wondering how you and your son are fairing. I hope it's good, but I know sometimes it makes things easier just to have someone to talk to.

Please let us know how things are going?
RMW

Merry Christmas Candycrusher! I hope things are going better for you. You are still in my prayers.
in case I don't make it back in time to tell you.
May God bless you as much, even more than He has blessed me!

RMW

RMW, thank you for your sweet notes and Christmas wish. I hope you had a nice Christmas.

Sorry I was away for a while, initially due to some technical issues I had, but then I got really busy both at work and at home and didn't have any time to log in. Which was not a bad thing, the crazy schedule totally helped me focus on things in front of my eyes I needed to take care of and not on xBF. Also, it turned out I was plenty busy with parties without him which helped me get through the holiday without feeling sorry for myself too much. I'm thankful I have great friends around me.

I have been thinking about you. How are you? How was your Christmas? Most importantly, I was wondering about your appointment with the counselor. Did you end up going (I know your H changed his mind at the last minute)? You are in my prayers. Hugs.