Goody, I meant to mention how useful your timeline was here. Thank goodness for your attention to detail or he'd be getting totally different advice.

2 and 5 in motion already. Funny movies are being effective. Exercising. Because of TOP I cannot respond to her. Responding to her is violating the TOO. It just looks like we will never talk to each again because the TOP will expire when the divorce is settled and Dr. H has advised not to talk to her after divorce.

Focusing on myself.

Responding to her is violating the TOP. She may use my response to get me in more trouble by the law. Dr. H advised not to talk to her if we get divorced. I really hate my situation.

What is awkward is that she went to try to report to the police that I was not responding to her.

Well if she wants your attention she will have to cancel the order.

I'm quite sure she expected you to ignore it and she could get you into trouble while getting attention, but that's not how this is going to go.

You're going to respect her wishes and she's going to get to enjoy both your respect and the boring result of her wishes.

You are spot on indiegirl. I do not know why I cannot see these things myself. When she got the first order of protection she violated it insanely. She had me go to her apartment many times to take care of the kids. She came into my apartment many times. We would be together in her home after the kids had gone to sleep. Hmmn.

My first lawyer told me that by getting TOP WS did not mean that she did not want to talk to me but she was just punishing me. I think my lawyer got this from WS' lawyer at the time or she may have figured it out herself. My lawyer was a woman hence using herself.

I can think of reasons she got the TOPs. Actually she wanted restraining orders.
1. The first frivolous TOP - she got it because her mom was visiting from abroad and parenting schedule would not have allowed her mom to see kids for very little time in a week and nothing in weekends. She might have lied to her parents that she had custody. She expected supervised visitation. That is when the judge to punish her by deciding to have custody exchange at the police precinct in the hope that she would not do anything silly again.
2. When she got the second frivolous TOP from the family court she thought the court would not allow me access to the children.
3. All to make her win custody, soousal support, child support and the house in court.
4. Her plan she had hatched by blindsiding me hoping to get everything had not worked.

I wouldn't even think about it if I were you. Her inconstancies and indecision are her problem.

Focus on yourself.

Thank you Indiegirl. Her activities have troubled me and taken so many resources from me. I am.getting to grips with your statement/advice and implementing it. I feel powerless that the law has not done anything about all this.

In addition to what we have discussed as part of the plan I am focusing on:
1. Figuring out my career direction
2. Figuring out ways for multiple income streams now that she left me bankrupt and I have massive loans for divorce fees. I am giving myself 2 weeks for 4 ideas.
3. Starting a core group of minimum 5 and maximum 10 successful male friends. As the saying goes - you are only as good as your friends.
4. Figuring out 2 core businesses

This tells me she has very poor impulse control. Which unfortunately is all too common and is one of the reasons so many marriages are poor and one of the reasons some people have so many fights. They make plans to never see or talk to someone again and then in the next breath they are engaging that person and fighting with them. They delude themselves into thinking they are on some sort of righteous crusade but actually they are just letting another person drive them nuts.

Wow, Bingo, Markos! This perfectly describes her and what our marriage was. Now after not talking to her for 1 year and 8 months I sometimes feel/think it is not right/worth it to ever talk to her again.

Hmn update:

I do not know what to make of all this. I am so confused and lost. We were in court.

1. Still she did not bring a lawyer. The judge was mad. She had been refusing to get a lawyer as advised by the judge.

2. Temporary Order of Protection Removed.
All of a sudden WW stopped pushing for the temporary order of protection to be extended. she always said she wanted it to be extended every time we were in court. It had expired in March but the court had not given the final. So when the children's lawyer was writing a court order with us WW said wanted me to respond to her emails. The lawyer asked if orders of protection have expired and WW said yes and wanted that to be written meaning she wanted them to be removed.

3. It looks like I have to email her first because I have to tell her what week I want vacation with kids. I am not sure how to write this since we have not talked or communicated for twenty months.

4. A big win for me. Time with kids is now equal. We agreed on a temporary 2-2-5-5 schedule. what this means is that it will be difficult for her to claim child support unless we have a large enough salary gap. My lawyer told me if she had a lawyer her lawyer would have explained this schedule to her and asked her not to agree. She thought she won because she finally got one more weekend. shifting from the schedule which she had proposed where I had them for three weekends to alternate weekends.

5. Our older son is allowed to go/walk alone to school from my place but not from her place because it is far. He is allowed to walk with friends or walk to a friend's place.

6. She was dramatic. My laywer was saying never talk to her again even if our kids have kids.

7. We will be back in court in a little more than two months.

Can you plan A her properly now? I guess she misses you!

I am not sure. I am sorry for replying late. I was trying to come to terms with what happened in court.

My lawyer has said I should be careful with her, record everything when we exchange kids and email. The lawyer is afraid that she may put me in trouble again. Most of the time we will drop and pick up kids at school or camp unless there is a holiday where we will still do the exchange at the precinct.

I do not know if I should initiate any plan A actions. It would be easy if she starts reaching out.

She has written an email about the kids so far.

How is the magnificent seven going? You can't plan A without being in good shape.

Does this mean you can expose now?

1. I am exercising but need to do more. This is helping. Now that I have more weekend time cycling, swimming, running, athletic exercising, sauna, steam and a bit of freeweights and gymn are on the roll.
2. Sleeping and eating are not a problem and are at a scale of 90%.
3. This is really bad. I have to make new friends because divorce cut me off and many people do not have time.
4. Great. We do a lot of activities together outside home. I have to do more sports and board. games with them.
5. I am able not to dwell on it. Funny movies have been extremely helpful. I wish I had known about this a long time ago. Books: hmn, I have not read any.
6. Yes. Acting as if I am going to divorce.
7. This is magical. I am surprised by how many people respect this. My guess is that they are caught off guard by the statement. A friend asked someone for a blind date with me and I told him the numero 7 statement. He said he understood why I refused.

I cannot expose now because the divorce settlement on custody and financials is not done yet.

Ah yes, Dr H advised you to wait until those things were done didn't he? What kind of actions does your lawyer fear from her?

Just as a matter of interest, if you were the main character in your own story, how would you write the ending? Are you looking forward to getting for-real divorced and moving on? Or do you still hope for a reconciliation?

The reason I ask is because Dr H said not to date for two years post divorce to avoid complications if she were to return to you. I'm interested what point you're at; if that plan appeals to you.


This is looking so good!

As for number three, what about volunteering? It is so hard to be mired down in your own stuff when helping others and it is a great way to meet people. If you combine it with a passion it's fun. Don't forget about stuff you can do solo, visiting new places and going to events.

Number 7 made me laugh, you just gotta be firm with people! Why don't you ask them to redirect their powers for good? Say "I cannot think of anything worse than dating but I am really suffering for things to put on my social calendar. Do you know any other guys who need a hangout partner/a good church group/book club/volunteer opportunities/would our friends be up for a monthly barbecue with all the kids?

You don't ask, you don't get.

Yes, he did. The two years are from the separation date. It is now two years and three months past that date. Here are his replies in course of one year.


But this last reply really confuses me. I do not know if he is saying I should give up and move on or I should not do anything till after settlement.

I did not ask what actions my lawyer fear from her. He told me to go to a spy shop and buy a record device that is discreet and use it to record every meeting/exchange I will have with WW or her mother. I just assumed that he did not want me to get an restraining order, get me arrested or anything that may hinder getting custody and settlement . He told me not to call her and just to email only.

My commute is five hours a day and unbearable. I am thinking of changing jobs. This would give me more time to do other things such as volunteering and my own projects.

I never thought of the combination of volunteering and passion. It just gave me an experience of sudden and striking realization.

Great suggestions for number 7. I will apply them.

Please give me one more day to answer this. The question hits to the bone marrow. It is very incisive and great. The mental illness that the lawyers mention... Her grandmother was like that. Her mum is like that. Her father has had a hard time living with her mum. In WW's words they do not love each other. They could have divorced if it was not for the reason that they did not want to set a bad example for their kids. When I knew she had done something and she was denying I got angry too. I suffered abuse from her.

The ending of the story would be - Happy together again and ever after, with a strong, successful, and flourishing marriage and family.
I am still hoping for reconciliation.

The reason I delayed to answer is that
1. her actions are making her unattractive, We are trying to schedule a summer program for kids and she is making it impossible on every turn. She has been writing emails that are spinning my mind because they are so disagreeable for the sake of making things hard. One email came when I was wrting the last post.
2. slowly she had started fading in my mind and I think it is because of plan "B" we had for 1 year and 8 months. Fading means that I had not been thinking of her every minute as before.

Indiegirl. I spoke with my lawyer about exposing and he turned out to describe vividly two worst affairs one would ever imagine that his ex wife(WW) had. In the second affair while pregnant WW was already flirting and fell in love. The affair was discovered 5 months after birth. The affair also produced pregnancy during divorce and a marriage. He wants me to send him information about exposing an affair to be able to make a decision as to whether I should expose or not - why I should expose, how, etc.

I have come to realize that people never understand why an affair should be exposed even if you tell them. The inclination always is to say there is no benefit, you will be OK. He told me that many people go through this and I am not alone. He showed me piles of cases that he said that are worse than mine. He said you will be alright. But nothing swayed me. I still want to expose.

He mentioned that we could get away( from the judge) by asking someone to do expose. I thought of sending him this: https://forum.marriagebuilders.com//ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583

What package of information do you recommend I send the lawyer? Dr. Harley's email, exposure 101 thread.. I need to write a letter to him explaining why exposure is useful.

I do not know how to deal with this anymore...

WW has made friends with my new friends. I have next door neighbors and we have become good friends. Next door means the houses are attached. Their kids are in the same grades as my kids at same schools. Their kids come to my place to play, eat and see movies. I take all the kids out for movies, etc. The vice versa happens too.

WW took my neighbor's kids to the beach last Friday for the whole day. WW and kids' mom even made plans to take kids to the beach for the whole of the July 4th though the mom and kids ended up not going. WW ended up not taking our kids to the beach.

WW is a person who has cut me off from her family and friends. I am trying to make quality friends to start a new life. Now she infiltrates my new realationships. It is not that my neighbor did an effort to reach out. I guess my neighbors do not know what to do.

On another Saturday she had our son have a playdate at my neighbor's apartment. She came to pick him up. I am in my apartment and my son is next door on WW's custody time.

Has WW gone more mad?
Why is she doing all this?
Is this stalking?
Does she want to get information to use in court?
Should I be worried?

I am trying to have a life that has nothing to do with her. I have not approached my neighbors about this and I do not intend to.

These are extremely high quality friends and it takes an effort to make these kinds of relationships. How do I make this not happen again with new friends I will make in the future?

Wierd, I would tell your friends why you are separated from your wife. Let them know you are trying to build a new life without her. This is part of building your Plan B walls high enough that the wife can't get over them. Look how she sets you into turmoil and worry.