Hello all, very new here and I'm looking for a little direction.

My wife and I have been married going on 5 years and dated for 4 years before we were married. My wife is a very loving, intelligent woman who works extremely hard at many things. However the one thing she doesn't seem to work on is our sex life. We've had many arguments about it and at this point I am losing my desire for her as we delve more into being roommates than a married couple.

A little background of what is specifically bothering me. She seems to go over and above for her jobs (she has 1 full time and 2 part time, but so do I) and her family, however she never seems to go that extra mile for me. Our sex life struggles in both quantity and quality as she doesn't want to try new things, doesn't heed suggestions I give her, and we often have sex only 1 or 2 times per week.

For my part, I have tried to help more around the house even though we both work a lot, I've changed my approach to finances because that was very important to her (like sex is to me) and I try to do something each and every day just for her like making her omelettes or buying her a special treat or something when I'm out or just getting her a card when I know she's had a bad day.

Where I'm at is I feel like I'm wasting all of my extra effort for somebody that doesn't return it. It is partially my fault because it's been this way since before we got married, but it is becoming so apparent to me now. With losing a parent this last year, I realize that I'm not going to live forever and I want to be happy. Should I try to start the conversation again with a little more inclination of how unhappy I am, should I leave, or should I just bury it and accept the fact that we are just never gonna be that couple? Please try to be kind and helpful with your advice. Thanks in advance.

Welcome to MB, unhappy. I'm sorry to hear of the problem in your marriage.

Are you familiar with Dr Harley's Marriage Builders? Have you read the Basic Concepts article on this site, or any of his articles about sex in marriage? Have you read His Needs Her Needs, or Fall in Love Stay in Love, and Love Busters?

I have read the basic concepts, but beyond that no.

Hello unhappy, welcome to Marriage Builders! I would start here and come back and let's discuss. After you read it, let us know how much time you spend alone with your wife on dates?


The question of the ages: How can...rriage? By Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

unhappy, women need 2 things to desire sex, an emotional attachment to the man and the prospect of enjoyment. If she does not enjoy sex, she will avoid you. If she is not emotionally attached, she will avoid it too. When you say she does not heed suggestions, are these things she would enjoy doing? I suspect not, since you say she does not "heed" those things. If you are trying to get her to do things she does not enjoy, she will develop a sexual aversion so that is not a good idea.


And this is all good stuff, but won't compensate for a lack of undivided attention time spent together.

I apologize, I think I've come to the wrong site or didn't explain well enough that I do pretty much everything a husband can do. At this point I'm not interested in putting in more work when I feel that I'm the one who has come so far to meet her needs. Have a great day everyone.

Oh believe me, you are in the right place. One mistake men typically make is they wrongly "assume" they areeeting their wives' needs when they are just guessing. For example, most men I see here assume that helping around the house, running errands make their wives fall in love when it DOES NOT.

The things that create the romantic love necessary to feel sexual desire are the INTIMATE emotional needs such as affection and conversation, in a quantity of 15+ hours per week. Helping around the house, running errands won't create the emotional intimacy necessary to feel sexual desire.

I would suggest you are doing what you think is effective but are just wildly guessing. It is like playing pool every day with a blindfold.

If you can keep an open mind we can help you overcome the problem.

Unhappy, everyone's emotional needs are different. Men tend to have a certain set of needs, and women tend to have a different set of needs. But individually, we're all different, with each having a mix of needs (see Dr. Harley's book His Needs Her Needs, or the free article on this site detailing them).

Before you leave, what I might suggest is that despite your best efforts at meeting your wife's needs, you may have been inadvertently targeting the WRONG needs. Perhaps this is what you believe/think/suspect are her needs, but you may be putting in a lot of (admirable) effort for naught.

Before you take offense at the other posters' comments to you (I might be misreading you, but that's what it seems like), I strongly recommend you stick around. The vets here (not me) have been helping thousands of couples for many many years, MelodyLane in particular has been helping couples for 17 years.

Do you want help saving/improving your marriage? Do you want to build romantic love with your wife, where both of your needs are met, and where you're both deliriously happy?

If so, then you ARE at the right place. It can be hard to think that one must expend even MORE work at what has seemed an impossible task. But a slight course correction to your aim might yield TREMENDOUS results for you.

The people who donate their time here REALLY care about helping save and improve marriages. Please avail yourself of a VERY dedicated and VERY successful group of volunteers!

Unhappy - see, MelodyLane is already giving you great advice, please listen to her!! You have the BEST working on your case!

See, none of this meets her intimate emotional needs. Yes, it is very nice of you!! But it won't do the trick.

Hello, site moderators, can you please delete this post as I do not see a spot that I can. Thanks.

So I have to conclude you weren't really seeking advice but rather validation of a pre-formed view? Are you this dismissive with your wife?

Thank you for this post. Some very good points here!