I am re-reading Buyers Renters and Freeloaders, truly fascinating. I see where I still have that conflict avoidant side, and have hurt my relationships with my kids when I sacrificed and gave in instead of holding out for win-win solutions. What a shame! I am so grateful that today is a new day! It is *so* much better than it was. But the same way I eliminated my angry outburst issue, I am confident I can eliminate this old behavior, too. When I'm done with this, I'm going to reread HNHN for Parents, especially the part about promoting thoughtfulness in children

And then at the last chapter, it talks specifically about how negotiation, not settling for any solution that my taker isn't happy with, is the action that will keep that overactive giver in check and keep it from ruining relationships. I'm going to give this to my sweetheart next, a lot of great topics for conversation. Reading through, there are some big ways we're not so compatible, I'm very outgoing and love visiting with my extended family, but going out one on one with my boyfriend so much, I miss them! I like Dr. H's example of the partner who wants to go out with friends Friday nights, that if they want to find a win-win solution, he would have to make it a very pleasant experience. I think my guy will really like my brothers, I'm looking forward to finding out

My DD called last night, she was safe in her dorm room when she got a text from the school to stay away from doors and windows. There was a shooting at her school. I am praying for the kids that were there and so grateful DD will be home for thanksgiving next week!

Glad she's okay. It's sad to say, but these shootings are becoming more common than we would like to know.

Thanks for the prayers Brain. And Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

I don't know if Susie reads over here, too, but I thought better to talk about my situation here than over on rock solid's thread. I am enjoying my relationship with my boyfriend, we've been together over a year, and the kids like him, too. He doesn't sleep over when the kids are here. I don't know about our future though. I read Dr. H's Choosing Who to Marry, and we're pretty compatible expect that I'm more extrovert and bf is more introvert, to the point that he doesn't like being around my extended family. They don't think he's the right one for me because he's so standoffish, and I'm very family oriented. Also we have different activity levels, bf's DS and his job wear him out. OD wants me to break up with him and find someone I would be happier with, but I have been burned SO BAD and feel content enough most of the time with someone who is kind to me and my kids.

Listen to them. Your family is not part of the romantic relationship, their reactions to him are more objective than yours.

I do take what my family says seriously. I went through something similar with my ex-H, though, my family took a long time to warm up to him back in the day, so I am hoping they will warm up to bf in time, too.

Sometimes I do read over here although I haven't read your thread. So I'll apologize in advance if I ask you questions that are already covered.



Being compatible isn't a good enough reason to wash out any red flags that people may be seeing.

I think I could be considered an introvert at least by people who don't know me - I can be shy around new people, especially if I am nervous. Otherwise I think I am kinda extroverted. I think that can be true for a lot of shy people.

Anyway, that being said, being this way never prevented me from spending time and getting to know a boyfriend's family/close friends when dating. Yeah, it's hard but you make the effort.

Also just MHO but I don't think being introverted or shy equates to being non-family oriented or standoffish so I am wondering if there is something else they are seeing that they don't like.

Has anyone else close to you, like a good friend, not liked him or pointed out any red flags?

Is he just not friendly? Moody?
What kind of work does he do?
How did his marriage end?

Again, sorry if this has been covered.

Prisca is right.

And you don't want them to "warm up" to him. Dr Harley said something about this to a dating single mother once - he said you want the most critical views, you don't want people who are going to tell you what you want to hear. And he went on to tell the caller to talk to the guy's ex wife.

Did you ever talk to his ex?

I wouldn't make that same mistake again.

This is a huge red flag. Don't just settle because you've been burned. Keep dating until you find the right one.

Susie, yeah, most of the time to doesn't bother me, but on the drive back from a visit with my family, it bothers me, that he doesn't make the effort to get to know my family. He's plenty family-oriented with his own family, and I've been enjoying getting to know them.

My good friends all like him, tell me not to worry about it, that he's just slow to warm up, and a good man is hard to find.

Not moody, just not friendly either. I talked to him about making more of an effort with my YD, and he's stepped up talking more with her.

He was an academic advisor for 9 years at the college I went to, but left his job earlier this year to try to find a better position. So he can talk for work, but it leaves him drained. While he's interviewing for the right thing, he doing customer service at the company I work at.

His ex-wife went to stay at her parents after she had some surgery when their son was a baby, and never came home. The grandmother had taken a year off to take care of the baby. He said they had tried counseling, but it sounds like health problems and lack of UA time with a new baby did them in. I met him 4 years after their divorce was final. I checked his divorce date online this time, after getting burned by my ex-fiancee, who had told me when I met him that he was divorced, but he didn't actually file and get the divorce until after we got engaged. Anyway, I told him I thought his first marriage sounded pretty fixable, but he said he had already moved on.

I haven't talked to his ex yet, I figured I would wait until we were getting engaged.

Prisca, I hadn't thought of it like that, not making the same mistake again. I have some reservations, I don't know if that's to be expected at this point in the relationship, or if I still have these doubts, then it's a problem, that's why I posted.

Brain, how do you know when you're settling, and when you're being realistic? I am thinking it will get more obvious one way or the other than it is today.

but it sounds like you are having sex with him and spending nights together when your kids are away. If that is true you've fogged up your glasses. You won't be able to see clearly even if the obvious signs are right in front of you.

This is exactly what Dr Harley says.

And I'm thinking that's what happened with the ex-fiance?

That makes a lot of sense. I'll talk with him again about my concerns, and see what we can figure out. I have a copy of Buyers Renters and Freeloaders, I'll lend him that to read through too.

Oh man it's been a long time since and update. I'm still here reading and learning. We got married New Years Day and I'm enjoying married life putting a home together. I ran across this article this morning looking for a friend and it's so good I wanted to link it. I am so grateful for this place. Helping folks set the stage for lasting happiness.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5031b_qa.html

Bumping for Candy. Dang all the signs were there but like you all told me then my glasses were fogged. The disrespect turned on me and my YD and a few weeks ago I asked him to move out of our home, like the When to Call it Quits article. But since we�re a blended family he�s only out when his son isn�t here. I have the books and try to show him passages that apply but have not been successful yet. At least being in 2 houses cuts off the LBs.

Thanks for bumping NED. OMG, you have gone through a lot. So you did get married a little over a year ago and your new husband moved out? What went wrong? Did you see any signs while dating?

I am trying to learn and not to critique you. Because when I began dating xBF, my son several times voiced his unhappiness and disapproval of him. When I talked to one of my friends who also remarried, told me "sometimes kids know better because they see things from different and more pure perspectives". She wanted to have the second baby so married this guy despite her kids did not like him, and it sounded like she was regretting the decision.

In my case, even I thought it would not be good... but dragged it on way too long, resulting in a huge pain that I could have easily minimized.

How are you holding up? Does his little boy know that you two are separated? Are you two trying to work it out?

By the way, what is O&H you mentioned several times?