My children literally cried with relief when I told them about my XH's affair. They had apparently spent a lot of time discussing why he had become so distant and decided it was because they were not nice enough. Imagine carrying that burden through your entire childhood.

You're very welcome. Susie started such a good thread I wanted to keep them together.

At the end of the day, the buck stops with every parent. No judge, attorney, or courtroom crapwit has to answer to Almighty God for the well being of your children. YOU are responsible.

Telling kids lies about their own life only confuses them greatly and leaves them vulnerable to the lies of the wayward. Because I assure every betrayed spouse of this simple truth: if you don't tell your kids the truth, your WS will tell them lies!!

My gut reaction concurs with all of your inputs. Thank you for that confirmation.

Radio Clip on the Effects of an Affair on Children
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Segment #3

Alleah writes she had an affair in the past when her children were too young to understand so they were never told. Now she asks should they be told, and if so when. Is there any benefit to telling the children of the affair?

Radio Clip of Telling the Children when They are Old Enough

Its been two weeks since I learned of my WH's PA and I finally properly exposed to my two children (ages 8 and 5) last night. It made a huge impact on my 8 year old son, whom has been taking this the hardest. WH has been out of the house for a month and a half ("I love you, but I'm no longer in love with you" ordeal until I finally learned the truth), and my son had been internalizing a lot of the blame. He thought his dad left because he was a bad kid or because he didn't want to be in the same house as him anymore.

I was nervous about telling him there was an OW, but as soon as I did, something clicked in him. He DID cry and he is still hurting, but he now understands that this was nothing his sister or him did. There is something wrong with his dad; not them.

You are a good mom giving your kids the truth ...

Thank you. It did take a little bit of convincing from others, though. I was nervous that their dad would be angry at them if they brought up the OW, and I did not want their time with him to be compromised because of it.. but I know I did the right thing overall.

Our son is really going to resent his father for this as he grows up. He's only 8, but he's a very loyal, lovable boy and he always does the right thing. Sad that he's a better man already than his 30 year old father.

I exposed to my kids also and its important...i exposed 3 years ago and recently my ex wife told the kids she divorced me becAuse she wasn't happy and was sad after one of the kids was born! Talk about blaming the kids! But fortunately they already knew the truth!

Jedi is she in the running for some kind of wayward award or something?

Did the kids call her on lying?

A mental health professional as written to challenge Dr. Harley on the idea of exposing affairs to children.

Radio Clip on Exposing to Children
Segment #2

Wendy writes that her husband had an affair after a rocky start we had a child is this something we share with our child in the future?
Rdio Clip

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Like almost everyone, I had reservations about telling my four children - three boys 7, 6 and 5 and a baby girl - about their father's affair. Since the period between D day and me throwing him out/starting Plan B was not that long (around 6 weeks), they were not exposed to too much conflict in the house and there was not a long period before D Day when my husband and I had been arguing or unhappy. All my family, friends and acquaintances were unanimous in their disapproval of the idea of telling the children what was really going on. And my WH had already been very angry preemptively about the idea of me "turning the kids against him". But after reading the advice here, I did it anyway.

I decided the best time to speak to them was after I picked them up from school, immediately after I packed up WH's clothes into suitcases, but before he came to pick them up (to avoid him giving them his own version first). All I said was this: "Kids, come and sit on the sofa because I want to talk to you. I have just packed up Papa's clothes into suitcases because he is going to go and live somewhere else for a while. The reason he is going to live somewhere else is because he has a girlfriend and when you are married you are not allowed to have a girlfriend. We all love him and we want him to break up with his girlfriend and come home. But he can't come home before he has broken up with his girlfriend". I then asked them if they had any questions. The 5 year old boy said "But why didn't you tell Papa he wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend?" (me: "I did sweetie, he knew he wasn't allowed to"), but the older two didn't really have anything to say and they just wanted to turn on the TV. The following day I went to the kids' school and informed the Director that we had separated, that I had told the children that their father had a girlfriend, and I asked them to give me some feedback about how the kids were doing.

Over the next few weeks after WH moved out (with a bit of resistance), we added a prayer to our usual grace at dinner time that we want Papa to break up with his girlfriend and come home.

It has now been two and a half months since my WH moved out and I have seen absolutely ZERO ill effects in the children. They have totally adapted to life without him around and the fact that I told them so clearly immediately as it happened really helped us to develop a feeling of solidarity about the family without him in it.

The children know they can ask me questions whenever they want, their teachers have reported no emotional or behavioural issues at all, and perhaps most comforting for me is that I can explain any moments of sadness to them in the context of information they already know - which takes the anxiety out of my emotions for them. They don't like it if I am sad, but once they know it is about their dad leaving, they react as though it is something they understand. I do quite a good job of keeping my mind off it most of the time though.

The final point which has made me a big advocate for exposure to children is how simple it now is to update them on any developments that happen during the course of Plan B. We had quite a bit of trouble with my WH being aggressive, threatening and violent towards us as he tried to force his way back into the house. But because the kids were so clear in their understanding of why he was not living with us to start with, it helped me explain to them what was happening in a way that reassured them. "Papa wants to come back in the house without breaking up with his girlfriend. But when you are married you are not allowed to have a girlfriend so I have told him he can't do that." I also asked them "What do you feel like when I tell you you can't do something you want to do? Well that is how Papa is feeling now" and that made it easy for them to understand something that might otherwise have been very traumatic.

In conclusion: Exposure to children is a really positive thing for both them and you. Your situation is going to evolve, and there will be additional things you need to explain to them as things move forward. If you haven't told them what the situation is clearly from the start, you are going to make the job more and more difficult and confusing as things get more difficult and confusing for you.

chalkncheese, thanks for this wonderfully articulate review of your experience with exposure. Over the years, we have found it to be extremely beneficial to tell the kids because it prepares them for the fallout of the affair. When kids are not told, they end up confused and very often are told lies and spin by the wayward spouse. When they know the truth, the betrayed spouse is able to give them much needed moral guidance.

My own father was a serial cheater and my mother remained silent. My father introduced me to one of his OW when I was 4 yrs old and it was very confusing to me. What seemed wrong to me obviously was not wrong to the adults in my life. I learned to doubt my instincts about right and wrong because they were not validated by my parents.

Good for you for telling them the truth and preparing them for this ordeal.

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