I send so many of these emails to kids parents and get nowhere. Good for you!

Good for you, NED!! Please don�t delay. He will just drag this out �looking for a place.� I would change your locks today and tell him to pick up his stuff out of your garage. He is a grown man who can find his own place. He has his mother�s home he can go to. Your daughter comes first!

� called H and told him he needs to be out now, that it is affecting DD and she needs her routine back. �

It is notable that he doesn�t give a crap about the well being of your daughter. He is only concerned about himself. What a jerk. Move him out, NED!

I agree with Melody. Get him out today. For your daughter's sake.

Yeah, what is going on Ned that you are doing his house hunting for him? Can't he just do that at his mother's?

Either you're
A) After a reconciliation
B) After a good divorce settlement.

Both objectives would be better served by being a hardass here. He is never going to behave while he views you as his lackey.

Indie my xh didn't leave until I found him a place and hounded the landlady to call him because he never called her. it was that or call the police to enforce the date he was to leave. I was trying to get him out before it got to that point.

But you don't need *him* to leave. You need *you* to kick him out.

You can only control you! We cannot control what he does!

We already know what he would do. Stall you. He is definitely not gonna leave. Its either you or the cops.

Do it without talking to him at all. Its far less conflict.

Just wait till he's out and Do it. Send a nice letter on telling him you hope storage is convenient because he never gave you his forwarding address.

I repeat: you do not need his agreement! He does not need to do anything except own a non working key.

ned, he is grown man, he can find his own place. He can stay at his mothers. That is not your job to find a place for a grown man.

Ned what's really going on here? It's clear you want to prioritise your daughter. You agree with the advice.

But no follow through when it comes down to it. Its always 'this is his last chance' instead of just getting it over with.

Are you afraid of this guy?

NED, I wonder if you tend to think/act similar to I do..... I tend to come up with excuses for WH (or boyfriends)... That is probably because I feel 'sorry' for them. When they show any kind of remorse (even if it is only temporary) or weakness, you feel bad and cannot pull the trigger. For me, I almost ended up feeling like a mother (protective) of these men..., and ended up allowing them to continue with their behaviors that were toxic. I got an impression you may be experiencing similar feelings and that's why you can't quite 'kick him out' and are seeking a less confrontational way to move him out, despite your head telling yourself otherwise.

Indie, even though it was a short marriage, I have what to me is a significant investment in our home, my retirement account, and my company stock, and I don't want to lose more of this then I have to. My attorney friend yesterday said it would look bad if it went to court if I had moved him out, but not bad if I moved out for the sake of my daughter, so I was back to that plan.

He slept on it last night and today called me and after some more back and forth he agreed to be out April 1 if my offer is still open to pay for April and to move his stuff. I'm relieved we'll finally be at the end here.

The prepaid legal plan attorney called me back also, and advised me to take this deal to be out by April 1. That I could make a case and all and even have him removed from the house for his AOs, but it would be all risk with no guarantee.

Candy, yes, I did give him many chances, it was falling apart by October last year. He was going to anger management and that's great but still he blames DD for his AOs so I don't believe it was effective.

Is this one of the friends who told you good men are hard to find so being yelled at is ok? You need new friends.

Why is 'looking bad' worse than losing the rights to live in your home? To a squatter husband?

Did she put a dollar value on 'looking bad'?

And why would it look bad, exactly?!!! It's your home and your daughter's home and he's been trying to push her out with anger and insults. I've never heard of a court who priotised the needs of a grown man in a relatively new marriage, of somewhere he hasn't lived very long, over the needs of a minor's established home.

If anything they'll give you a medal with the divorce.

That is crazy advice and quite simply I don't believe it.

I did hear that advice OFTEN when I was interviewing poor, lazy lawyers who wanted us to do our own paperwork, and far from it being an issue in court it was never even mentioned.

Susies husband went after her very aggressively trying to get HER out of the house and at no time was her decision to kick him out seen as anything but completely natural. That was a long term marriage too.

In fact, if YOU leave it would look like you were simply abandoning the marriage (and rights to your home) on a whim. Without cause. THAT looks bad.

I'm guessing your cause for divorce would be something like unreasonable behaviour? So don't paint yourself as a marriage bailer instead of someone whose husband is intolerable and had to be kicked out.

Even if your region is no fault, courts are always on the sides of parents trying to give their kids a good home.

When you take the free advice of friends, you get what you pay for.

AFTER you've kicked him out, interview a number of people before settling on someone tough.

This was February

February 2014

Your daughter gave you a deadline and you have dragged your feet again and again. Don't sell her out for a few imaginary shekels in court.

How many of your assets is your daughter worth?

Indie, no, this was not one of those "a good man is hard to find" friends, she is my age and always stayed single because she's a divorce attorney and sees the worst every day. I am doing my own paperwork if I can, and if that changes then so be it. My state is no fault, and I am the one paying the mortgage and all my stuff was still there, so I was not abandoning my home.

Yes, my ex-fiance was slow to move in 2014.

I am protecting my assets for them, YD is going to college next year. I've been talking with both kids at all steps and she knows I'm trying to balance all this as best as I can. At this point the plan is for him to be out when she gets back from her spring break trip next week, and we will file a simplified dissolution that would be done in 4 weeks without a hearing.

I don't mean to sound argumentative, and I appreciate your input.

You're not argumentative at all!

It does sound like she has convinced you it's best to give him free access to the house and it's your house to do as you want with.

I even think your daughter knows you are well meaning, because even I can see that from here.

I just don't think you realise that's meaningless really. Intentions aren't magic so she'll go to her dad's.

So if he's not out April 1, what then? Kicking him out becomes Ok?

Indie oh my goodness I don't even know. Listening to MB radio every day now, I know I need to be separated, that's where the healing starts. That's why I was thinking to just get a space for me and DD. From there I can file the divorce paperwork. That's how i got B out eventually, once the divorce went through he was given a day to vacate by. But I would know before next Sunday if he doesn't intend to move out April 1. This weekend we are going to do most of the boxing and he's going to find the place. It wouldn't make sense to set up movers and put a deposit on a place and then balk April 1.

NED,

You are not being nice to anybody here.
You are afraid to act and are justifying it for yourself by finding excuses to be "nice".

Changeing the locks on him will force him to
-face the consequences of his poor choices
-handle this as an adult
-it will give him the chance to move forward in life
-it will up his motivation to find an appartment

All of that is in his best interest.

You are not acting from a position of inner strength but of weakness.
Abuse often happens when women volunteer for abuse.

How can you teach a person to treat you better, if he does not know you mean business?
Abuse usually starts small, with the abuser poking you a little bit to see how much you will tolerate. I am sure he is not talking to police officers or his boss the way he is talking to you and your daughter, because he knows he would not get away with it.

You teach people how to treat you.
I am sure you are finding much better excuses for him than he could come up with himself.
Instead of instantly drawing the line at the slightest sneer in his tone or DJ you will have enabled him by allowing to get away with worse and worse behaviour. That is why at this point he is not taking your wishes seriously anymore, because he already knows you are a pushover.

By drawing the line from the beginning, you deter seriously abusive people and freeloaders, as they will lose interest fast.
People who want to be in a relationship with you have to know from the outset that you don't take crap, so that they are used to treating you right from the beginning.
You cannot just leave it to others to treat you right, you have to enforce those rights, because most people are not perfect and behave better when they know it is seriously expected from them and they will face consequences if they don't.
That way you are doing others a favor by not being weak and lying down with "doormat" written on your t-shirt.

We are all aware that you are loving, but being overly agreeable is not the same as being conciously nice, it is being weak.

I hope everything works out for you and your daughter and That you will teach her to expect more fromother adults and that nobody has the right to take advantage of her.

I actually think it would make sense. Losing a deposit and movers fee is only counted in the hundreds or so right? Losing the set up with you is way more valuable to a lazy guy.

My take is he is just trying to outlast your daughter. He will throw some money at some stalling tactics because he thinks 'hey she's nearly gone! Then I can have my home the way I like it and silly Ned with her silly female whims can focus on somebody important again '.

I think he has always viewed her as being in the way but tolerated her because shes nearly grown.

And I don't think he believes that you're done. He's waiting for it to blow over.

If he really thought his marriage was in danger he would have moved himself out into his mothers weeks ago, apologised to your daughter and booked the two of you a spa day while he repaired relationships.

THAT would have been the cheapest way.