Knowing her I believe she was paid under the table or had her brother/friend open a company. Definitely something unlawful.

I know you are in Ohio but don't remember where...contact Cleveland-Marshall College of Law, Case Western Reserve College of Law, Ohio State College of Law, etc. to see if their Legal Clinics will represent you. They are staffed by law students who are managed by practicing attorneys - these students will be more aggressive than any practicing attorney.

Sorry Brits_Brat. I just saw this posting. I am in NYC.

The child custody forensics evaluation will be sent to the court before Wednesday. We are appearing in court this Wednesday. Oh, trying to figure out about how to get legal aid. It looks like I will go to court without a lawyer. I am thinking to tell the judge that I need to find a lawyer before he makes any conclusion concerning the custody evaluation. The judge does not know that I do not have a lawyer because of financial reasons yet.

I am keeping my fingers crossed. I am very scared on what the outcome of the evaluation would be.

Last week WW's closest friend accepted my FB friend request that I had sent many years ago when WW and I were married. It is strange because she never accepted the friend request all these years and I am trying to figure out why she did this. WW is still connected to me on FB.

WW violated child custody again last week. I will explain the circumstances to the police and see if I they will take a police report.

WW has taken two floors in our house(duplex). On the lower floor she has put our daughter and a stranger(tenant). Our son is afraid to sleep down there. I am thinking that having a tenant in the same apartment she is living with kids deserves I file a motion.

Any thoughts on all the above? Thank you.

Hi WS,

I only have experience of forensic custody assessments in South Africa, but here it is normal for both parents to be involved in the assessment process and you can also contest the choice of assessor or their findings if you think they are biased. Normally, a copy of the report should be available to both parties before you go to court. Were you involved in the assessment? Was the assessor selected by the court or by your wife? Can you choose your own assessor for a counter-report?

"Violating" child custody is not normally a criminal offence unless the child is abducted, harmed or exposed to risk, so I don't think a police report is appropriate.

If you want to tackle these issues properly and recieve relevant information about the options that are available to you, you do really need to get a lawyer.

Thank you chalkcheese. Yes, I was involved in the assessment. The child custody forensic psychiatrist (assessor) was appointed by our lawyers at the time. I am not sure if I can get an assessor for a counter-report. True, child custody violation is not criminal. It can help win custody in court if one keeps repeating the violation. Maybe lawyers here can chime in. I filed a police report after talking with the police who advised me to file one. It is the ninth report I have filed on WW's custody violation. WW's actions are making me sick. As much as I do not want to file reports against my wife I still have to file. I will try to tell the judge that I need to find a lawyer before he makes any judgement.

Update:
Forensics evaluation report is out. I have not read it all. We are not allowed to reveal the results to the outside world. Its recommendations look balanced though. I will fight the lies in it. I will read it all at my lawyer's office and then counter it.

Lawyer issue: What do you think she is doing this for?
2 months ago the judge gave us 10 days to find lawyers. I went with a lawyer and she did not show up with one. Judge was mad. Next court date will at the end of next month to see if she will bring a lawyer. This means we have wasted 3 months because she has not engaged a lawyer. Though she is not forced to have one the judge has advise that without a lawyer she will be at a disadvantage. I wanted this case is over.It has been 2 years and 2 months.

Mental illness: Any thoughts and ideas? Our lives have been destroyed because of this.
Children� lawyer and my lawyer assert that she has a mental illness though not extreme. While I did not know it was mental illness during the time I have known I had thought it was just character flaw. This is painful to hear and I do not know how to deal with it. I am feeling sorry for her. I wish I had known during our relationship. My lawyer said one needs factual information like illness history, history of medication to prove in court. My lawyer says we should discuss if we should ask for diagnosis.

I was also thinking that I should talk to her parents and brother about this but I cannot while the case is going on. My lawyer has said the judge is just having the order of protection stay in place just to avoid conflicts till the case is settled.

PI: How do you find a good PI? Also one who lives in the neighborhood or near.
PI lost track of her when she got out of the train. I was very upset because it was a very key day I had been waiting for to get information. I am thinking that I should find a new PI. PI are expensive and I am trying to see how can I go about this.

GPS tracker:
How can someone do operation investigation when you are separated?
How can I put a car GPS tracker on her car? What can be done? No access to phone, computer. She has a car. The car is not registered in my name. Could I put aGPS Spot trace on her car? What part of the car is good to put it? It looks like it has to be outside on the bottom.

What do you suggest? More than 2 years and the case has not gone in anyway. How do you move on? Howdy you figure out the future? What do you do on the dating topic? I have not dated anyone. I see MB says do not date till the divorce is over. This case may even go for 4 years. From what I have seen on MB It looks like most cases are done under 2 years giving people a chance to figure out their future. What if she even dating another person already?

I am wondering why no one responded. I think it is because I posted 3 posts in a row. I am posting them one at a time now.

Update:
Forensics evaluation report is out. I have not read it all. We are not allowed to reveal the results to the outside world. Its recommendations look balanced though. I will fight the lies in it. I will read it all at my lawyer's office and then counter it.

Lawyer issue: What do you think she is doing this for?
2 months ago the judge gave us 10 days to find lawyers. I went with a lawyer and she did not show up with one. Judge was mad. Next court date will at the end of next month to see if she will bring a lawyer. This means we have wasted 3 months because she has not engaged a lawyer. Though she is not forced to have one the judge has advise that without a lawyer she will be at a disadvantage. I wanted this case is over.It has been 2 years and 2 months.

Hey, how are you doing generally? Eating, sleeping etc. I ask because your posts seem a bit scattergun and ADs/ending contact with the WS can help with stress.


Don't date! Fresh from my divorce I would not have dated someone who was still married. Don't go out there with the 'going through a stressful divorce' tag on you. Be dubious of anyone who is ok with that tag.

You said on another thread that you were going to expose her. Not exposing drags everything out. Throw a nuclear exposure at her and simultaneously push ahead on the legal stuff. She wont stand a chance. Focus on contacts who will support you personally too as I suspect you need it.

Your timeline (corect me if I'm wrong):

Wifes affair with coworker started in 2012
Feb 2016 - your wife filed for divorce and had you removed from your home by court order, emptied all bank accounts
2016 - both you and your wife were evaluated by a psychiatrist who will advise on custody - mental health issues are also evaluated
Jan 2017 - you had a restraining order against you that prevented you from contacting your wife, for anything other than texts ans e-mails about the kids
Jan 26 2017 - De Harley advises against immediate exposure an tells you to wait until the divorce is final
Sept 2017 - you changed the locks on a rented part of your house, wife filed for a TOP against you that might become a permanent OP,

Your situation is quite complicated and for me too complicated to respond to your latest questions. Your questions assume the posters on this forum understand your situation. Your complete story/timeline is not very clear to me and I read your posts again to try to get the facts. The feeling that I get from your postings is that you let your emotions get the better of you and that causes you not to act in your own interest (resulting in an order of protection against you).

You are not in plan A nor in plan B, you seem to be in an ugly plan D. Strategize to make the best of it.

Concerning mental health issues: is there something in the evaluation report that indicates mental illness or is there any other evidence of mental health problems?

Even though Dr. Harley explicitly advised you to wait with exposure until after finalizing the divorce, you seem obsessed with it (i am assuming you need a PI to gather evidence for exposure). Considering the order of protection against you, it seems wise to email Dr. Harley again for advice.

As long as you are married, don't date.

Thank you indiegirl. you are spot on. I am not doing well. I am stepping up on eating, sleeping. Planning for the future has been hard . A five hour commute everyday had not helped. I am thinking of finding another job where I can have time to execute my plans. What are ADs? WS and I are not in contact. I am going to avoid anything that triggers thoughts on her or makes it seem I know what is happening in her life.

Your post is already helping me. I have now made a concrete decision/ plan not to date while the divorce is going in.

The reason I ask is that here is someone who has unexpected triggered my feelings and I would say I am sure she has seen signs of them. She has recommended some recreational activities for me which I did. In my interactions with her I have applied MB principles. I have not gone out with her. She is on the vendor(consulting)side and on site at work four days a week. I see her everyday of these four days.

Could you suggest how to go about this - how to tell her in a way as to convey putting it off and suggesting after divorce is when I am ready at the same time not being classified in the "friend zone" if friend zone does not help with future pursuit? Would love to do things with her - maybe to know each more? Does friendship help create a future romantic relationship.

Do I say "I would like to share something that is happening in my personal life. I have been going through a divorce for more than two years. I decided not to date anyone while the divorce is going on which may take 1 or 2 more years. I am concentrating on creating good personal relationships, a future, healing, and removing the stressful divorce tag?

So true, not exposing the affair has really really killed me. I have grown impatient and have really failed to deal with this lack of patience. This is the elephant in the room. She has a frivolous temporary order of protection against me. Exposing now may get me a permanent order of protection. See reply to goody2shoes coming up after I post this. My former lawyer had said do not expose - I will lose everything. I have not asked my new lawyer. Dr. H has said do it after the divorce.

I also have to expose another 2 other "affairs". Not sure if anything sexual happened but everything in them is suscipicious. Not sure if they will be classified as affairs but they are things that one should not do.

Years ago while coming from work early around 4pm I found her and her ex boyfriend in front of our apartment putting our bikes back into the apartment. They had gone cycling together. He used my bike. Not sure what time he first came to the apartment or if they had sex. Early in the morning that her ex was visiting from Europe and she was going to meet him for coffee. I was so gaulible.

She also left for Puerto Rico with some girls I did not know. Right after she came back I saw a picture of two guys leaning on a car lying on our bed. I never asked her about it. Till today she does not know I saw this phito. She had packed her stuff on the bed. I came from outside the apartment and saw the pictures. She only told me about the trip the day before she left.

I also have to expose her stealing money from our accounts here and abroad and stashing it into the bank account of her brother and his wife. I am going to expose the brother and his wife too.

I am going to expose what she has done to the kids and me also including the extreme abuse during and after marriage. I will also have to the domestic violence her mother did on me.

In a nutshell there are many things to expose and I am trying to figure out how to be not handicapped by all these "waiting exposures" to move my life.

Thank you goody2shoes for the summarization, insights and recommendations.


The child custody forencis psychiatrist did point to mental illness. He recommends sharing the kids. Evaluation happened in 2017 and 2018. Results came two months ago.


The temporary order of protection - I cannot text, write or call her. Zero contact. She has gone o the police to report that I am not replying her texts, emails and calls. Police told her but you have a TOP agsinst me. They called me asking what is going on with her.

The TOP is frivolous in the sense that she is the one who changed the locks first saying she was moving into that apartment but had moved to an apartment above that. She also lied that I had broke into her apartment. She also lied that our son had soiled in his pants after seeing that I had broken into her apartment.

All has been proven wrong by the psychiatrist and the children's lawyer who have interviews the kids. Kids have been very honest. They have revealed that she has lied on many things. She also intentionally went to the Family Court(where it's criminal and civil cases) to get it without informing her lawyers, our judge in the Supreme court or my lawyers. For this reason she was fired by her lawyers.

You are so correct. The feelings got the best of me. I was tired that the lawyers and court were not doing anything about her actions and lying and with encouragement from friends I went and changed the locks. I should not have done it orvsourved advice from friends. My lawyer at that time told me exactly what you just said about feelings.

The fact that she kicked me out of the apartment we were renting that was two blocks from the school to our house that is far and said that I cannot see the kids while I am at the house because it is far, with my lawyer asking me to move back to the neighborhood near the school and now she moved to the house really upset and drove me into changing the locks to in order to move there and avoid astronomical school zone rent while she was leaving for free.

I felt played with like a toy. lesson learned: my lawyer said "let her do what she is doing and make mistakes. The court will get her. I should not do anything because she is doing this and that. Don't do anything without telling the lawyers"

Do you suggest that I start a new clean thread? I can.

PI is to check if there was another affair that led to divorce and what has happened, and if anything is going on before divorce and then expose. The main affair happened in Australia.

The evaluation does not point at mental illness. Her grandmother had and mother has mental illness but nothing I can provide as evidence. My lawyer said everything has to be factual in court - history of treatment, clinic attendance. He suggests we talk about subpoena to get her clinically diagnosed.

Even without anything factual I now know she has some mental illness. I thought it was just a character flaw. I did not know or want to accept but too many people who know her have told me this. The two lawyers finally sealed the confirmation by what they said even though it hurt me.

I will not date. Truly not difficult to implement. It is so unbelievable how people and friends all try force you with extreme confidence to starting dating.

Plan B seems appropriate. What do you think? After your answer - plan A, B or otherwise. I will strategize and layout action items for the plan and post to get feedback.

See advice from Dr. Harley below on next post. It seems to say act on Plan B and Plan A only if she reaches out. Could you help me make a plan please?

Advice from Dr. H
1. Jan last year:
Hi ...
Your lawyer may have concluded that your marriage is over, and you need to do everything in your power to maintain joint custody and preserve your assets.� If I knew more about your case, I might agree with your lawyer.� At this point, exposure might not really help you much. It's more valuable right after you find out about the affair.� After the divorce is over, and the custody and financial arrangements have been finalized, exposure of her affair would no longer be a threat to you, so I'd expose the affair then.� By then, your wife may have second thoughts about the affair especially when she loses the battle to take your children and all of your assets.� When she wakes up to realize that everyone now knows about the affair, and it didn't work out as she had hoped, you may have a chance to win her back again.� Don't date others for about two years after the divorce so that if she changes her mind, you will not be in an even more complicated situation.

Dr. Harley

2. Last November:
Hi ...

Your wife's order of protection gives you no choice but to stay silent.� If she reaches out to you, however, you should be in plan A, avoiding all Love Busters, and making your conversation with her as pleasant as possible.� If she were to divorce you, however, your best plan would be to avoid talking with her or seeing her for your own emotional protection.
3. January this year:
Hi ...

My general reaction to the information you have sent me now, and have sent me in the past, is that your wife isn't going to cooperate with you to develop a good marriage.� And she could get you into a lot of trouble if you try to force her to return to you.� As I have said in the past, you should follow the advice of your lawyer to get the best custody arrangement with the least child support.� There are just too many landmines in the path between you and her to� risk trying to reach out to her.

Dr. Harley

ADs are anti depressants. Get some.

.


This is not someone you want to be in a future relationship with. She uses her job as a vendor to hit up still-married men? Men who are going though a crisis divorce and are clearly depressed and vulnerable? If you marry this woman in the future, then you're going to be dealing with another affair down the road.

Don't try to be her friend and don't try to navigate opposite sex friendships until you are both single and well.

Do the same thing with her that I did with my divorce vultures. Give her the deep freeze. Be professional but squelch any getting to know you bull. That's not her job, or yours.

Thank you indiegirl for the sound advice.

She has not tried to hit up on me. In fact I have not seen anything that has obviously suggested she is interested. I do not know if she is even interested. She is single. She may know what I am going through because when we first met she must have seen my ring which I do not wear anymore.

PI has had a hard time finding WS because he cannot figure out her daily/weekly pattern. She seem to be working per diem and different locations. She is all over the place hence hard to chase. So far he has not been able to nab her.

GPS Tracker: PI and I have been thinking of putting a GPS on her car but he says it is not legal. He says that GPS will show her pattern but he does not want to put it himself. He wants me to put it with his help. He suggests for a couple of weeks. Once he sees her pattern he can resume to follow her.
Any thought?
Any suggestions on spying?
How can you spy someone when you are separated?

Given that legally you're prevented from doing something as simple as exposing, I personally wouldn't take the risk of doing this which is dodgy as they come. This could spectacularly backfire.

You can't expose yet anyway, so just tell the PI to stand down. Revisit the situation when you have got your mind right. By then, who knows, her schedule may have settled or she may have exposed herself.

So tasks:
1) See a physician about anti depressants.
2) Do your best with eating and sleeping. Take naps and bites and build them up. Don't sleep on the couch. I will know.
3) Get some fun recreational things on the agenda. Every weekend. With MALE friends!
4) Time having fun with the kids
5) Don't dwell on this. Distract yourself with books and funny films.
6) Act for now like you're definitely going to get divorced. I'm not saying you will, I'm saying prepare for that.
7) Tell friends and family to chill. You have a self healing plan and none of it involves having your own mid-divorce affair.

Wow, indiegirl, you just gave me amazing advice and perfect plan.. It is very impressive. I will execute it.

I will drop GPS plans and ask PI to stop.

The only thing I may not do is taking ADs since the hardest part of depression is over. Talking with the physician may happen though.

I definitely need to better on 2 and 5.
3 is a new..
4 has been going really well. I can do better.
6 helps me in everything and execution of vision engineering for the future of my kids and I.
7 is a masterpiece advice - it just sealed the deal.

One last thing: I guess I will follow Plan A as described by Dr. Harley below. Right?
.. .
2. Last November:
Hi ...

Your wife's order of protection gives you no choice but to stay silent. If she reaches out to you, however, you should be in plan A, avoiding all Love Busters, and making your conversation with her as pleasant as possible. If she were to divorce you, however, your best plan would be to avoid talking with her or seeing her for your own emotional protection.
...

My lawyer says the judge is just letting the TOP stay till the case is settled (even though it expired 2 months ago) to avoid any conflicts while the case is going on.

Anti depressants may be needed temporarily to help with 2 and 5. Exercise is a good substitute.

As for continuing to plan A her...that comes with an emotional toll. I can't make that decision for you but unless 2 was achieved as a basic requirement I wouldn't attempt it. I wouldn't send a sleep deprived malnourished army into a war.

So focus on yourself first. If she does reach out, have a pleasant message prepared ' its so great to hear from you! Here's what the kids and I did this weekend! *attaches photo. And that's it. Don't knock your brains out.

At that point you could assess what effect contact with her has on you.

Only if she reaches out to you, then you follow plan A.