CYK, I think the basic issue was the marriage was not fun anymore and she felt left behind. I think you have identified that. I would let her know that you realize you both neglected the marriage. If she will end her affair and leave that job, you have a PLAN to overcome the problems in your marriage, such as planning 4 - 4 hour dates per week. That is what it takes to maintain the romantic love in a marriage and you need to make that commitment to your marriage.....IF SHE QUITS HER JOB AND ENDS ALL CONTACT WITH THE OM.

Aha! So she is tempted. It may be that she would get into trouble with OM which is even more reason to keep dangling bait. Can you get a dog sitter and encourage her to take time off? Make her feel tempted even if she doesn't bite.

I feel like your Plan Aing is going very well and a fatal blow to the affair, like her going away/on a date with her husband would tip things.


No contact details?

Why not get him to contact you? I'm sure he would be in touch if you posted him on a cheater website and passed the message along to your wife that you were not done exposing him.

I would suggest contact him at work via phone if that is only contact details you have, if legal to do so record the phone conversation (many states only require consent of 1 party to do so (you being that one party)).

If you know where he works and his name you should be able to call during working hours and have an operator transfer your call.

I would recommend not leaving any answering machine message if you get his voicemail, also speak as if your words may be recorded on his end.

Do not make any sort of threat, but be direct, Melody may have some better details on what to say but something like "I will not give up fighting for my wife, and I will not be party to keeping your dirty secrets from the light of day" or similar may be appropriate.

Rehearse or write down what you will say beforehand, don't do it off the cuff as your anger may betray your interests.

I spent the whole weekend at home trying to present the best me and woo my WW. I'd have to say I don't feel like it went over all that well. Or maybe at least it's a start? She kept pretty quiet and distant all weekend, she asked me if I would go to her family's BBQ so she "wouldn't have to deal with her family's questions and ridicule" just on how she asked me I said no I wouldn't go, possible mistake.
Either way I got no reaction from her all weekend except cold and distant.

You're not going to see anything encouraging during plan A so don't let her snarkiness shake you.

Possibly a good call on the bbq. It sounds like she may have been warming up for a day of digs. If she asks just say you'd rather wait so they can see 'the recovery version'.

How are you?

Its not the snarkiness per say, it's like interacting with a brick wall.
She gets upset that I won't stay in the same room with her when she's home, but won't engage in anything when I'm with her. Sitting in silence and watching TV didn't seem like it was the best us time we could have spent. And I've asked daily now if she wants to go out but it's always something. Even today I asked if she wanted to have lunch but it's too busy for her she'll have to skip lunch today.

This is very normal dealing with a WS who is still in contact with their affair partner, especially when you have ruined the fun part of the affair with exposure.

Is your WW still suspended from work? What about the OM?

You are SERIOUSLY missing major opportunities to warm her up!!!
WHAT? You said no?? This would have been a perfect opportunity to spend valuable time with her. Missed opportunity. This is something the OM can't do and it would have reminded her that you are unique in this regard.


Missed opporunity. Why won't you stay in the same room with her!??? i have to ask whose side you are on here? Yours or the OM?

Have you considered doing PLAN A?

You need to be looking for EVERY OPPORTUNITY to be with her. Expect her to be cold at first but she will thaw out. And who cares if she takes little digs at you? You are a big boy. Avoiding her makes that thaw farther and farther away.

I kinda figured I missed a good opportunity with the bbq, I said no to going from reaction to how she asked me.
And I have spent nearly every hour we were home together, together- she got mad when I got up to go to the bathroom or go to the kitchen, I caught on early enough that if we're not fighting I should be in the same room with her.

The main thing is you are asking, she will be noticing that. It's normal for her to be aloof

When you can spend time with her do so - if you can without lovebusting.

I am a little worried about you though. Are you ok?

I'm doing ok, a lot better than I was a couple weeks ago. Still stressed but better. Thank you.

I kinda feel like I'm asking too much. I was able to get a couple days off from work so I had a mini vacation. I made sure to be home with her every chance I got cooked dinner every night for her. I did ask her out to lunch every day this week, she couldn't because she was too busy but yesterday she told me she would be home early but she was going out with people from work first. She came home around 10pm. I asked if she wanted to spend some time together she said yes but sat on the couch texting constantly not focused on anything I was saying so I called it a night which she got upset about.
We did talk the other night, at her prompting. She stated that in order for us to move forward we needed to talk about everything. She stated that a week before I exposed she and OM had agreed to end it as it was the wrong time, I told her that since she was still in contact with him it wasn't over, I restated the plan, she became angry because I obviously didn't want to hear what she was saying and I was being unrealistic. I told her that I needed to have an affair proof marriage and I didn't want to go through this again.
She said there was no way to guarantee this would never happen again. Which I told her was unacceptable for me. We talked for another hour or so with her being pretty upset. She stormed off only to come back hug me and sat on my lap telling me she was sorry. I took it as a good sign but since there's been distance from her.

I think this is pretty important. On the one hand we can hope she is mourning the loss of her affair, on the other hand if she has any contact with him, then the affair is not really over.

She told me the affair was over and that I needed to realize and accept that she has a lot of emotions of it ending. I'm definitely biting my tongue on that one I don't like it but I do have to handle it. On the same note though the affair isn't over as she keeps contacting OM. I restated the plan and ended the conversation, kept cool but told her we are headed for divorce if we can't affair proof our marriage I don't nor can I go through this again.

You are doing great!!! Just hang in there and stick to your guns. Be a broken record about her quitting her job and ending all contact.

I'm struggling with trying to connect with WW and I feel like I haven't been making any meaningful love bank deposits. She voiced that she's depressed and stressed out and not sure what she wants. And last night told me that the few times we've hugged recently it's made her extremely uncomfortable. She's not sure what she wants but she's taking it day by day and she's not ready to decide.
I was rereading an article Dr. Harley posted and what he said about the withdrawal stage of an affair and it seems she's in the midst of that. She did ask me last night what I need from her to facilitate us moving forward and I restated that plan. Like I said I feel that I'm making no headway, she seems to only want to spend time together when it's convenient for her and continues to decline any invitation to go out.
As Dr. Harley states and contact with OM will only restart the withdrawal process all over again. How do I get her to end this completely now? What are something's I can do to make big meaningful love bank deposits?

You ARE making headway. She is still fogged out, not in withdrawal, but is thinking about your offer. Keep painting a rosy picture for her that can only happen if she leaves the job and ends all contact with the OM. Tell her you want to have a marriage where you are both happy and in love. I know you don't think this looks good because it is going slow, but it is actually going very well.


You need to tell us. Think back on things you did for her when you were dating. What made the greatest lovebank deposits?

Thanks for the reassurance that I'm making progress.
Honestly the best thing about us when we first started dating was our conversations. The first time we met we spent the whole night talking and would do that regularly. We were both always game for whatever and spontaneous day trips were our thing. So really just spending time together was a big factor for both of us. Something we both, or rather ME got away from doing.
Now though I'm finding it hard to talk with her about anything. I'm a little jealous and hurt when I asked her to lunch last Thursday she said her schedule was too full and had to work all day/ would be home late only for her to tell me she was leaving early to go out with friends.

Try to keep it pleasant and light and attract her into fun conversations. Don't be too serious, be fun and flattering and romantic when you can. it will come, you just have to be patient. I can tell she is thinking about it!

No this is all very promising! Have you read many other plan A threads? If you had, you would realise WWs are usually much, much more hostile than this! They are blatant about preferring OM and scathing to the BH: even that is not a hopeless picture, it's just a stage.

What you see here is a woman who is thinking it over and she wouldn't be doing that if your offer were not attractive to her. She must also be realising that the affair doesn't really measure up; but it is confusing when an affair collapses quickly; no doubt due to exposure.

I would paint her a lot of pretty pictures about the future. What are her dreams? Is there something she's always wanted to do as a couple? Somewhere she wants to live, vacation, go back to school or change careers? Have a family?

Dont expect her to seriously talk about those things but if you can lightly hint that youre the dream maker, she'll have more to think about!

Keep in mind, that one of her main complaints was not having an integrated life with you. So paint the picture of an inseparable couple, of a life where she gets a full vote on what happens.

You can't go wrong with affectionate daily texts.

'Remember when's ' are also a good one. Bring up your shared past and old jokes.

Also, don't catch her confusion. When she says hugs make her uncomfortable, just be soothing and confident. Say you know this is all happening very quickly for her and your love is a patient one.