This was on 8-21-18:


That contact put her back to day 1 and she is probably still in contact.

Any thoughts on how to proceed from here? I knew the moment she told me she contacted OM that it reset us to day 1 things were looking good or I thought progress was being made. I'm not sure what to do though especially after this weekend. She did wake me up this morning with a kiss goodbye which is out of place. I need to readjust my approach with her as I'm unsure what's making the most Love Bank Deposits.

How long are you willing to plan A for? It's two years max, the longer the better but people have their own timelines; some people only want to do six months, understandably.

Well it's coming up on 7 months since everything started. The stress and anxiety sucks to say the least, it's all I can think about most days and my Dr is a little apprehensive about depression meds. I'm scared to lose her and I want to make this right. I know it's not going to be quick I just want to make sure I'm on the right track and doing the right things.

Seven months is a solid effort.

I think it might help you to set your own deadline in advance. One that you don't communicate to her (that would be a threat). This prevarication and indecisiveness is completely typical in Plan A, because contact is happening in Plan A and when contact is happening, annoying fogginess is the result.

It might just be helpful as a coping mechanism if when she hand-wrings you can say to yourself; 'Welp, you've only got x more months to figure it out and I'm going to make sure I'm happy no matter what you decide'.

I am kind of in awe of you men and your willingness to Plan A for months. My deadline setting was a bit different, because as a woman I was advised to plan B which makes you feel more detached. I started the plans in the desperate hope of achieving recovery. By the seven month point I was planning on cutting him off entirely as soon as I got the divorce finalised, which happened at the 14 month mark. By that time I felt divorce was not my failure, and he'd had plenty of opportunity and I felt good about not having to do recovery.

If we'd had kids I probably would have given it the full two years, but for me he ran out of time a bit sooner. Only you can decide. Plan A is different in that it's more proactive and the longer you can do it the better. I wouldn't go past a point of mental health though.

There have been those moments when I'm frustrated enough that I want to throw in the towel but I just can't and I boomerang back too quick. It's definitely painful to see her pullback or not reach out or push me away and more I could go on and on. I've been thinking about what she said the other day, she feels like we never really discussed things and still feels I get too angry and defensive when she talks about the affair or how she tried for so long to be in the marriage before this. She feels I never want to talk about the marriage or our problems. She hates that I say if XYZ doesn't change we're still headed for divorce, feels like I'm threatening with ultimatums. I thought I had been reiterating the plan well but I guess it's too much of a broken record?
There had been a couple of times we've had sex but she still feels like theres no connection on her part and she's tried everything to make it happen. She had moved back into the master bedroom in June and we've been sleeping in the same bed ever since. Even this weekend after she told me she didn't want to be a couple she insisted on sleeping in the same bed. I did tell her while coming home and I've said it before she couldn't be in the MB with me out of convenience for her if she didn't want the marriage, its too much of a mental emotional drain on me. But still she stays and we sleep in the same bed usually with her snuggling up to me but if I get too close I'm smothering or too pushy it's all an emotional punch for me.

This is where you need to lead the conversation. Find out what the problems were in the marriage and find solutions together. But you need to stand fast and let her know if the conditions don't change this will lead to divorce. That is not an ultimatum. An ultimatum is a punishment. You are not planning to punish her, you are planning on protecting yourself from another affair. You are projecting yourself from punishment, which is your right.

No SANE person would stay in a relationship that has a very high risk of adultery unless they are a swinger. You are simply stating a fact that this will lead to divorce if the conditions don't change.

And you need to start thinking about an exit strategy if you don't see things changing in the near future.. She might not be marriage material at all and if that is the case, you could be using your time finding a good match who believes in an affair proof marriage.

Will she read Fall in Love, Stay in Love?

I wouldn't have sex with her then until there's enthusiasm. Wait until she's palpably swooning. Stick to just affection in bed for now which she's clearly lapping up. I'm a meanie, I know.


I really like this. It's excellent PoJA practice. You could let her have a moan and be making affection deposits the whole time just by making sympathetic noises. Then flip it to 'what would you like to see happen instead?' and boom you're in a positive conversation.

She seemed interested when I bought it I started reading it she said she looked at it and asked if this was the same place I got the idea to expose and got very angry again about the exposure. I haven't brought it back up to her yet.

I would genuinely like to know the why's and I've told her I'm not interested in the gritty details of the affair only why it happened and what's missing what does she need but her only reply has been she's told me before all this and I didn't listen. Even when she talks about it I ask the whys and what she feels and what's missing but get push back and she closes off.


Yeah as much as I would like to no enthusiasm is a big turn off and I don't see it helping anything.

How should I approach the conversion of finding out what our problems are and finding solutions should I wait for her or bring it up. I don't want to push or have her feel like I'm pushing for the R talk.

I would avoid those conversations as much as you can. All it does it bring the misery of the past into the present. If you can, focus on making each other happy in the present. I would print out some of the questionaires and ask her to fill them out. Fill out lovebusters, emotional needs and marital problem analysis. Let her know that this program addresses all the problems in marriage. https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4500_resource.html

Do you have the paper version? The kind with the little quizzes and checklists?

I've been mulling this one over, and WW tend to be defensive and hostile while contact is on going, but only to the BH's face. Behind his back they are curious kitties.

I think it might be worth while to do the quizzes and stuff, sprinkle a bunch of positive notes in the margins, e.g. 'should I buy her more flowers?' 'Would WW like this?' And leave it out on the coffee table looking well thumbed, with a big pen hooked on to the front.

Since you've invited her to take a look it would be a very un-nosey lady who didn't at least check it out.

Then you could do the same with the print outs.

Slowly, slowly, catchee monkey.

I do have the book version with the quizzes. I also bought the book version of HNHN and Love Busters. I'll print out some of the quizzes/questionnaires to lay about as well.
When I got home yesterday she had been looking through them but tried to hide it. So positive I guess. She did want to spend sometime together last night and we stayed up late I did everything I could to make her laugh and listen to her bad day at work. It was an enjoyable night.

Yeah!

I know it's probably not funny to live with one but I do find WWs amusing sometimes!

Things had fallen back into our regular routine for us which just felt out of place given everything she had been saying to me. I needed to distance myself as again my every thought has been caught up in this. We went out a couple times as i find just us sitting at home is a bit awkward at times. Even though we've been talking and getting along fine it's been on her terms and she's pulls away every time I start a conversation or the couple times tried to get close.
We went out last night but she was closed off and gave one word replies and she just wanted to go home the minute we left.
I thought it over this morning and though I feel I may have made a mistake I told her I can't keep doing this and limbo sucks, this has been the worst experience of my life. She can't keep coming and going as she pleases and only when it's convenient for her. She said that was fine as she's still not sure what she wants and it's a comfort thing at this point she just can't make a move either way.
I feel like I'm being taken advantage of she flip flops consistently and pushes me away. I don't want to end it but I don't want to feel like I'm being used.

What are you considering? Going into Plan B or straight up going for Plan D?

Or do you just feel yourself flagging and wanted to give her a heads up?

I had filled for Divorce just before finding this site/Dr Harleys books. Something she's been reminding me of.
Not sure if I should Plan B or keep working on it but I feel like I'm being strung along. She won't quit the job or let alone unfriend OM on FB or delete his number and she pushes me away when we get too "close" I'd like the marriage to work and build something better.
Most of this is probably just venting I'm probably doing the opposite of what I should. It's weird sleeping in the same bed, going out and spending time together, being a couple but not.
Again though not sure what to do or how to handle things moving forward.

Yeah it's tough when you're not sure but only you can decide! How about if you were to take a break and give yourself some self care while weighing the options?

The thing I tend to do is weigh up the worst case scenario against the best and make sure I'm cool with both.

How long would your divorce take to go ahead? Are you dragging it out or is it on a set timescale?




Well, you know, as long as the job is on the affair is on but sometimes B.S. get confused and tell themselves it's not 'really' on.

Nice of her to make it so unambiguous.

I think pulling back and taking a break would help me.
I actually need to contact my lawyer as I'm not sure in what stage of the divorce I'm in, papers have been filed and served to her, other than that haven't heard anything else.
I had told her we couldn't be sleeping in the same bed with how things are she said she was trying. I caved. She slept in the MB with me, we had a good enough morning until she told me to not get so emotional on what's going with us and just let things be. Kinda struck a nerve. She brought up how I exposed and how I've talked about it with friends/family. I brought up her not cutting all contact with OM she said some mean stuff I bit my tongue and walked away.
I feel like we're at an impasse. I need to change myself and how I interact with her but for what if she's not taking any steps? Or am I over looking what she's been doing? I know I can't expect her to jump in with both feet but what are the signs at this point that it's working?