My previous post was deleted. Does anyone know why?

Shocked, I don't know what happened. I edited a post on the thread this morning and the system somehow deleted the entire thread. If you have your email to Dr Harley please start up a new thread with that email. I apologize for the error.

Are you willing to re-post the gist of your lost first post? I think it might help people to know the backdrop when Dr Harley replies to you - and perhaps you could post his reply here, too.

While you're at it, would you be willing to tell us the history of how your husband and this woman became involved? When and how did you find out about the affair? Was she already pregnant by the time you found out? Did she ever try to force him to be involved with the baby? How did you decide to be in no contact with the child (good decision, as we said on the lost thread)?

Dr. Harley talked about my email on the show yesterday, however, I was unable to hear it. I tried every way to listen to the rebroadcast and none of the outlets worked. I tried from my desktop, another computer, and tried looking for an app. Nothing, unfortunately, so I missed it all. I emailed Joyce, but have yet to hear back. I wonder if they will archive it soon?

Onto the gist of the series of events - My husband met a woman at a gas station (she was the clerk) in fall 2011. At the time, my husband worked as a mechanic at an automotive shop. The gas station was located next door to my home, so he frequented there often. Through flirting, they exchanged numbers. Soon, she had car trouble. From what I'm told, he went to her apartment complex to look at her van's brakes --- all unbeknownst to me. I was caught up in a new job and caring for our then almost 2 year old daughter. From about August 2011 - April 2012 they exchanged about 400 texts. In February was when the encounter happened (she says multiple times, he says one - she agrees she fell pregnant "the first time"). After she found out about the pregnancy, he cut her off completely according to him. From her side of the story - because yes in the beginning I fell into the trap of falling for everything she said - he was happy about the pregnancy, etc and even helped her pick out names. He said that any reason he even text her back after the pregnancy was so that she would keep her emotions at bay and not come to me. I still didn't know at this point. The baby was born in October 2012. She contacted him the day she was born. He responded that she had the wrong number, so she gave up. Until March 2013 when she messaged him on Facebook. Well, I found the message when I was at work. It went something along the lines of that he needed to begin paying child support and helping her raise the baby. At first I was full of all of the emotions, of course. I threatened her, yelled at her, called her names, all of the things. Finally we had to realize we needed to stop engaging with her. We thought we could form an alliance and co-parent with her. Nope. She was constantly vile and filled with hatred. Throughout the years she would contact me directly. Never him. The last time was 2 weeks after I had our son, wondering if our daughters (his/hers and ours) could meet and begin to get to know one another. I never responded, as usual. We decided on no contact just simply due to the fact that the mother would never step up and be mature.

I really wish I could have heard the broadcast yesterday. Did anyone hear it?

Shocked, we checked with Dr. Harley and there was a problem with the stream yesterday but it should be resolved today. He will be rebroadcasting yesterday's show since it was never aired, and that email was discussed in two segments. It should be available after 1pm CST.

Thanks!

Shocked, here is the link to your show https://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=11165 They address your email in the 2nd segment.

I am listening now and Dr Harley is recommending the OC be raised by the OW's siblings. "I look at the adoption of this child as a trigger for Shocked." He thinks it would be bad for your marriage and said that the decision should be made Shocked and Shocked alone.

Thank you everyone. I enjoyed the show. It helped me understand what questions I need to be asking myself and my husband before we move any further.

Hi Shocked,

Thank you for this account. However, I wonder if you could give the details that were lost in the vanished thread, where you talked about custody.

I believe you said that you were told you and your husband had custody by default, and that if OW's boyfriend wanted to keep the girl, he would have to challenge you in court. Is that correct? Could you clarify who told you that?

I remember asking you where the girl is living now, but I don't remember whether you answered that before the thread disappeared. Could you tell us now?

Shocked, in listening to the show it seems that Joyce misunderstood and thinks you have custody. Even so, Dr Harley felt it would be a bad idea to take in this child. What are your thoughts about taking her in?

Yes... we were told by a number of potential lawyers at this point, including one of the state prosecuting attorneys (child support division). We don't physically have her in our custody, no. OC's Aunt has petitioned in court for temporary emergency guardianship, interested persons being OC'S oldest brother and OW's fiance. They wrote a whole horrible page about my husband, which were a slew of awful lies, except for the fact that he said he didn't want anything to do with her. He did eventually say that to get her to leave us alone. Even then still it was hard, as we lived 10 miles apart. Seeing her around town was a once a year thing. Now I'm just filled with regret for missing her childhood... It's like we're in sync, my husband and I. Maybe I want this for him, so badly. I'm a terrible empath. He lost his mother as well (2009) and I feel he could offer her a guidance of sort. We've both come such a long way since we fell in love 10 years ago. I'm really proud of him. But I suppose I shouldn't push too hard. I just want the best for everyone, this time. Their family life is not the best. The aunt keeps criminals as boyfriends, and an apartment turned frat house with her brothers and OW fiance would not be a good environment. My husband filed for an Emergency hearing. We agreed to be patient and wait to see what the judge says about who custody should fall to. I implored him in the beginning whether or not he wanted custody and regardless of his pause in fear of potentially hurting my feelings...I could see that he did. He's a wonderful dad and it kills him to not be able to be that to all of his children. I feel the same. OW is gone, who will be this child's mother?

Joyce mentioned having pictures of her mother, taking her to the grave site, looking like her, etc. - I thought about making her a scrapbook with images of her mom if she came to live with us. Her images don't really trigger me. I obsessively looked at her Facebook for 5.5 years. I guess I was able to overcome that, as really she was 16 years older than me and well we didn't compare very much. The mother was cremated and they plan to plant a tree with her ashes mixed in, but they are planning to go out of state to do this (per my friend who is OW ExH GF who also has custody of their youngest son)

Did you hear Dr Harley's advice that it would be best to allow one of the OW's siblings raise the child? I am somewhat horrified that you are even considering taking the child, at the risk of your own marriage.

What is the risk to our marriage? What is predetermined to happen if we do?

If I read your story right, your marriage hasn't fully recovered from the affair. You never had real NC and don't know the truth, only his story and hers. No verification by means of a lie detector test.

When your own son or daughter does something offensive, it is easier to forgive then when an OC acts offensive. In the first example you are reminded of bad habits of your own family, in the second example you will see OW. Seeing the OW in your husbands child will make it so much harder to treat her like your own child or even like her. All children can be sweet at times, but imagine OC hitting puberty while you are struggling with menopause.

The prase "you are not my mother" is so much harder to take coming from the mouth that looks like OW's mouth and will most likely trigger memories of emotions you had during the affair. There will be painful conflicts and OC most probably will hate you during puberty (and seek an ally in your husband, what will that do to your marriage?). You will also have to deal with OC's aunt in your family. She will not go NC with OC. You don't just get custody of OC, you get OC aunt for free.

Don't make a life changing decision because it seems like "the right thing" at this moment. Before you decide to do this, imagine the future of your family with and without OC.

Look up an internet forum for stepparents. Read how stepmothers feel about their stepchildren. Imagine those scenarios plus the complication of who her mother was before you make any decision.

If he feels obliged to offer her a guidance of sort, there are other ways to do that.

Iceberg ahead... There is a chance you survive, but please don't board the Titanic.

Did you hear Dr. Harley's advice? He told you the risks. Which is lifelong resentment on your part and the possible demise of your marriage. What will happen to your children if you get divorced over being reminded of the affair every day? Does the OC look like the OW?

I listened to his advice and he recommended having a sibling of the OW raise the child.

It sounds like you had already made this decision before you came here and were looking for validation. Is that correct?