I have never posted in a forum and I am not sure how to share all of my thoughts. I will be as short but detailed as possible. I apologize in advance for what seem like rambling.
- My wife and I have been married since 94' and we have 2 beautiful daughters
- I was a store manager for a retail big box and to be honest I have been a workaholic my entire life. Almost at an unhealthy level. I always provided and we have always been able to go on trips and buy whatever was needed.
- There were times in my marriage ( hindsight is wonderful) that I either moved to another store or took a step back because I felt my wife wasn't happy. It helped a little, but I still worked a lot.
- My wife is very quiet and does not share any feelings at all. Looking back, it has been extremely frustrating to try and figure out everything when I felt that if she would just tell me, I could work on it.
- I have told her - I own my part of the marriage issues
- Coming to the present = about 7 years ago, my wife told me on vacation that something was wrong. Long story short - when we got home I started looking through the phone records and saw his number all over the place. His number was the husband to my wife's friend and a family that we vacationed with often ( we bought timeshares next to each other) - I confirmed the affair when she cam home one night with the kids and I asked her if she got my text. She said that she hadn't been receiving any texts - I told her I could look at her phone to see. I noticed it was on airplane mode. I am a Christian and god told me to hang onto the phone. She asked me for it, but I held as all the text were coming up. then I saw the text = a reply My wife would never admit a full affair, but whatever it was had been going on for several years.
- After this blow to my entire existence ( not blaming anyone for my ignorance) what followed was our attempt to fix.
* She would not go to counseling
* She said she wanted to work on the marriage
* I made her end it with him in person to make sure that it was she wanted
* It took about 3 weeks for her to end it after repeated discussions from me - she said it was hard to co-ordinate
- Over the next three years, there were many odd things that happened that almost led to a break down on my part
1. first year - the day our family got back from vacation my wife and I were walking the dog and he walked by ( didn't mention - he lives on the street) - He is divorced now. When he walked by, he asked how our vacation was??
2. I went out to the mailbox one morning and there was a perfectly round snowball on top of the mailbox ( his wife would later tell me about a snowball fight they had several years earlier)
3. I had planned on taking her to the beach to fly a kite, but my dad was rushed to the ER. The next day, everyone on the block when to paly softball - he showed up with a kite
4. his wife called me at work and asked to meet me - when I met her she handed me a cell phone with 2 numbers - my wife's cell and her work number.
5. Most recent - 2 years ago - I was at work and got a text from his ex-wife - she said that she did not want to upset me but that my wife and him were walking around the block. I forwarded it to my wife and told her, I wasn't sure what to say. Her reply was, why don't you ask her why she sent
Leading up to now - I have lowered my position in the last 5 years and make much less, I feel as if I am a complete wreck and my defense mechanism ( to stay out of the loop) is to not talk.
Ending - This December - she got me a gift - a motivational book ( I love) - She wrote wishing you love, peace and happiness.This prompted me to speak to her and we decided to give it another try- lastly - here I am today - I stopped talking to her a couple months ago again, because she was just not communicating ( once again not proud) and decided last week that maybe its time. I met with her one morning and told her I made an appointment with an attorney. I also told her that I was wiling to give it a chance but we really had to seek counseling - she said that we should stick to the plan ( attorney) - I went yesterday and bottom line - divorce will be final in 1 1/2 months - talked last night and she started crying - said that she doesn't feel a connection. Probably sound stupid her, but obviously I am upset and feel like a loser. guess I am just looking for any positive feedback???

Hello Desty, welcome to Marriage Builders. You don't need "counseling," you need to move. Living right by the OM has almost destroyed your marriage. It is the equivalence of the alcholic "quitting" but going into the bar every day. Your wife is addicted to the OM and is being perpetually triggered. As long as that remains the case, this is hopeless and you should get divorced.

If you want to save your marriage, then MOVE AWAY asap. Put your house up for rent and move to a new town. This affair has already destroyed one marriage, and yours is up next.

Once you move away and your wife ends all contact with this rat, you will see a remarkable change in your wife. We can help you fully recover your marriage. However, that can NEVER happen as long as the OM is right there.

You will end up divorced if you go to "counseling," because marriage counselors are destructive to marriages. They have no earthly idea how to save marriages and are even less equipped to address infidelity. What will you do when the counselor tells you to move out for a "trial separation?" They routinely give this destructive advice because they have no idea how to save marriages.

I guess I didn't clarify - She says there is no affair and that it was never a full blown affair ( please - I am devastated so I probably seem na�ve) I have never been sure and can only guess it never ended - she would never answer any questions.
Basically, I guess what I am looking for is ( sounds silly) for acknowledgement form people who have been there that the best thing for me is to move on and that it will get better.

any thoughts? to be honest - just a rough day - I initiated the attorney conversation and honestly I feel as if its been a long time coming and that the only reason she said she would try again, was I was pathetic ( The gift in hindsight - wishing you piece,love and happiness a goodbye?)
I am thinking I will better off, if I just get it done and move on ( not that I have a choice) - I just want to stop myself form the urge to try and save it.....

Hi desty, it was at least an EA and for how long it sounds like it went on it is naive imho to think it was not a PA as well. Yes, it is naive, but we all were at some point. I could not believe my wife's affair either, it was absolutely unreal.

All I can say at this point is to echo everything Melody said in her first reply post.

You gave some details, but your 'most recent' was 2 years ago, what are the more recent developments? Did a specific event prompt the attorney appointment?

And even though I said to echo everything Melody said, I really want to underline that you obviously cannot live near this man and stay happily married. Especially if he is now divorced, but even if he was still married it would not be good.

No we won't tell you to move on that it will get better. It won't get better. As you can see, you are headed to divorce. Ignoring the sinking Titanic will not make things better.

I am utterly confused about your situation now. You told us this:


Which is it? Did she have an affair or not? The advice I gave you is based on the facts you reported.

You CAN save it, but you won't save it by doing nothing. Not having a plan is a plan to fail. You need to have a PLAN. Can you follow a plan?

Does his wife know of the affair? Is this why they divorced? I am very concerned that you seem to be so out of the loop here. Have you snooped?

The affair was 7 years ago. Yes, they divorced shortly after. I have never known the extent but he took his kids aside to tell them that he had kissed my wife.
I have been a wreck ever since. My wife would never answer any questions. My gut says the comminication never stopped.
We are on the door steps of divorce (paid for and started - will be final in 1 1/2 months)
She is good with it.. I just want to be good as well.
I realize I am rambling.

I can..but no I do not have one.

Yeah..moving has never been discussed. She seems to think it's not a big deal and that's part of the problem. She never would discuss and basically told me it was over.
Our marriage has been rough every since. I have just always thought I deserved more help from her.

Did you want help saving your marriage or did you want to get divorced? I am unclear on what you want. Obviously the affair is not over. You have direct evidence that they are still in contact which means the affair is ACTIVE. Any contact = ACTIVE

The REASON your marriage is ending is because she has been in a long term affair that never ended. Recovery was impossible under these conditions.

My gut says, It was never a big deal for her because she got to sweep it under the rug and still have him nearby the whole time.

Look Mike, you have every right to divorce her, if thats what you want to hear. And I'm serious you do. And you deserve a faithful spouse and a happy marriage. Everyone does. You can find someone new who won't cheat on you after you're divorced, or live a happy single life for that matter too.

You didn't need us to tell you that. Did you come here to see if there was something you could do to try and save the marriage?

You can try, and these folks with help you with a plan - no guarantees, oh and it will be messy and painful more likely than not at times. But you don't have to.

It will probably begin with snooping and exposing an affair (which I suspect is ongoing, but your gut feeling is best initial indicator), and working hard to improve yourself to be the best you that you can be.

On the plus side, the work you do on yourself can help your self confidence and appeal immensely, and may model positive behaviors for your children.

When was the last time she saw or spoke to the OM? Are you spying on her?

Thanks. I know I am not saying this correctly and I apologize. I found put about the affair 7 years ago. It had gone on (what ever it was) for maybe 3-4 Yes prior.
I do not have proof of it continuing other than his ex wife texting me 2 yrs ago that they were walking aroind the block while i was working.I do know my wife doesn't share her feelings and the phone calls with him were long. Sometimes there were 15 texts a day.
I guess I came to try and make my decision easier. The divorce is paid for and I initiated it. I guess it comes down to my inability to get past the affair.
Part of me wants my wife but part of me struggles with the fact that I'll never know and that according to her own statement 7 years ago. "I thought once the kids were out of school, we would just part ways"
He is definitely in the mix. Once again, I own my piece of the issues...worked an unhealthy number of hours.
Was making $120,000 A year and seemed the right thing to do. (Hindsight-not so much)
My ultimate fear is that i am the only thing holding them back from being together.

I feel like i always sound weak. She has said that she doesn't feel a connection with me. I have read things. I would like to fix. For the first time in my life...i think I should just work on me..instead of telling her. Let the divorce take it's course and just work on me. I assume that if I am the best me possible if there is a chance...it will happen.
Do I say anything to her...or just work on me?
Note: I have already told her I would be willing to give counseling a try ( she is opossed). She said she just doesn't think she can give me what I need.

I feel like i always sound weak. She has said that she doesn't feel a connection with me. I have read things. I would like to fix. For the first time in my life...i think I should just work on me..instead of telling her. Let the divorce take it's course and just work on me. I assume that if I am the best me possible if there is a chance...it will happen.
Do I say anything to her...or just work on me?
Note: I have already told her I would be willing to give counseling a try ( she is opossed). She said she just doesn't think she can give me what I need.

Did you have a question about Marriage Builders? It does't seem like you are interested in saving your marriage and are just blogging here. That is a waste of my time. Do you want help with a PLAN or not?

You are sitting back letting life happen to you while your marriage crumbles, which is weakness. But that is your choice. If you won't lift a finger to improve your situation, there is nothing we can do.