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Thanks again,
After this many errors and the fact that my wife had an affair , I'll be a great dad, a great me and I'll take all the lessons learned for the next person. Too far gone-
She can have him.
Take care.
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Melody Lane.. looking for further advise ( please take it easy on me lol)
So as you know I am set for divorce...all that is lacking is the date.
I spoke to my wife today. We hadn't really talked for a couple of months prior. Long story short, I started acting like the man I want to be..the entire family had a great time at dinner the other night (everyone is very happy including her in our time together)
I told her that I would like to try and work it out and if not all we need to do is call to set the wheels in motion. So it looks like I'll be home until further notice ( in the basement)
She agrees that this precious family time is very special and understands it would be gone. Also told her that we should both work on ourselves..if it helps the marriage, fantastic if not at least we are set for the final signing. I do not want to sound weak and I did say all good either way. I also told her that we need to at some point discuss the affair of 7 yrs ago in entire.
She agrees that our family is special and is ok with putting the date on hold. Good move on my part?
I am looking for advise from here on out...so I can put my best foot forward.
Appreciate it.
P.s. truly value the advise and I do want to keep making mistakes from here on out.
Last edited by desty; 06/16/18 08:41 PM.
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Can you please answer my questions above? I can't really help if you don't respond to my posts.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She agrees that this precious family time is very special and understands it would be gone. Also told her that we should both work on ourselves..if it helps the marriage, fantastic if not at least we are set for the final signing. I do not want to sound weak and I did say all good either way. I also told her that we need to at some point discuss the affair of 7 yrs ago in entire.
She agrees that our family is special and is ok with putting the date on hold. Good move on my part?. My suggestion would be to focus on saving your marriage and put aside your own ideas about "working on yourself." Sure, that will come, but is only a distraction when your marriage is all but over. You are now facing an affair that has been probably been active for about 7 years and your own ideas have not helped in the least. Improving yourself it not the problem; fixing the marriage IS. I have asked several times and still don't have an answer to this: are you spying on her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry. Missed them. No I don't have spyware or someone watching. I do check the phone bill on occasion.
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Sorry. Missed them. No I don't have spyware or someone watching. I do check the phone bill on occasion. The first step is set up an intensive spy campaign and find out what is going on. Put voice activated recorders in your home, her car and try to get spyware on her phone. Does she have an iphone? If so, you can set up location services on her phone and see where she is at all times. [unless she catches on to you and then it is easy to circumevnt] Although the remedy is the same, you must find out what she is doing. Checking the phone bill tells you nothing. The phone bill won't tell you if he is coming in your house or vice versa. Secondly, you need to have a PLAN, which you do not have. You are STILL playing pool blindfolded. Marriages do not recover by accident, but by DESIGN. You need to have a plan and have the determination to follow it. We can give you that plan but you have to put aside your emotions and your own ideas and follow it. Can you do that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The plan to save your marriage has to involve moving very far away from the OM. Without doing that, this is hopeless. No amount of recovery work on your marriage will overcome having an OM who lives right there. If you can't move your family away, you should give up now because it will be hopeless. It would be like an alcoholic trying to sober up while going into the bar every day having beers. This is why your marriage has crumbled and is on the door step of divorce. it never had a chance. What you need to recover from this affair is posted below. You need to present this to your wife and tell her "I love you and want our marriage to work. I want us to be in love with each other but that can not be done without a plan. Our marriage can never recover unless we have a plan to move far away and follow this plan of recovery." This is what it will take and I will follow up with the extraordinary precautions check list in the next post: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts hereas your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place. Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details. Best wishes, Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No I am not spying. Not even sure how.
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Do you have access to her phone?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If that is the case, you can sneak spyware on it. If she has an iphone, you can also set up location services and monitor her location all day. Check this out: https://support.apple.com/en-us/ht201087I also just made a new post over on Operation investigate about cell phone spyware resources. Please go read that. Are you putting together a plan to do this? Do you have any questions or comments?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No.thanks. good for now. Appreciate it.
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No.thanks. good for now. Appreciate it. Ok, i just put a lot of work into finding solutions for you and if you can't respond with more than a one-line text message I am not going to waste my time here. I seem to be putting in more work here than you and it is your marriage that is on the line. I need to know what you are doing with these recommendations.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If you ask for help and ignore the advice, folks will not keep posting to you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Desty, your wife has been having an affair for 10+ years. A decade. You have know about this for 7 years and have seemingly sat complacently by doing nothing. Even now at the first suggestion of spying to find out what is really going on (and it pains me to think that you have just buried your head in the sand and went about life without doing this for 7 years!) you seem to slide under a rock with �thanks, I�m good.�
No, you are not good. You have made major major mistakes here and you know it. Your complacency and coward was has only helped the affair thrive and compounded the damage to your family. You are being told there is another way, one that might work (long shot with such an entrenched affair). You are being given a gift here. You want to start �working on yourself,� start by taking control here and following a plan to kill this affair and fight for your family.
You have to know this is not an attractive quality to a woman at all. You have basically sent the message that you could care less if another man in banging your wife for a decade (probably in your own home, your own bed). You send that message by doing NOTHING. That is not attractive to any woman, and it will make any woman feel worthless.
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You need to spy and find out what is really going on. We can tell you that what is going on is a decade long entrenched PA that has been covered up by both you and seemingly the OMs exBW for years, although I�m guessing your entire neighborhood is aware of it since the affairees seem pretty brazen.
You will then need to expose this affair. I know your rock is looking pretty good right now but fight the desire to hide under it. People need to know the truth, not that OM accidentally kissed your wife once...
You need to not leave your home! Tell your wife you have changed your mind and are not leaving. Move back into your bed. Start Plan Aing you wife.
If you decide you want a divorce instead, nobody would blame you. But you still need to find out what is going on and expose either way. Your friends and family will be told you were just jealous and possessive and nothing was going on, and OM will move right into your spot.
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Definitely not ignoring the advice. Just letting it all sink in. Truly appreciate the gifts. The discussion has helped immensely and I am taking the advice ....
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and I am taking the advice Does this mean you are putting spyware on her devices or GPS, VAR? What does this mean you�re going to do?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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