Thanks. I have had time to think. Moving out as soon as I get back. No looking back.

I think that is the most important and I am hoping I feel better, once I move out. The closure is the most important.

Melody. Asking for your help. Just got back from vacation and I checked the camera. LOL..didn't have it set up right. I spoke to my wife and shared my thoughts. I told her that 25 years had to mean something and that once and for all.. I needed to know. I asked her yes or no..did she have any feelings for this other guy and was he still in the picture. Lo....ng story short, she would not answer. I told her it's a yes or no.pretty simple. After a few minutes, I told her that was my answer. Told her thank you for watching me rot for 7 years and that I could not believe that anyone would let another person go through that. I assume my thought have always been right??
I told her to give me a check and if I do not hear from her by Thursday..I am completing the divorce. I am sure I wont hear..she said she would get the check later..I said get the check now.
I am very upset..but at least I can leave now knowing that I tried.
Not sure getting upset was the right thing, but man...7 years of guessing..I am moving on. Last but not least...
I have lost almost my existence these last 7 years...7 years of watching me upset to the point where I had to go to counseling.
Melody..any advice?

My advice is to stop asking her about the affair, stop lecturing her and move out. You don�t need to hear from her about anything. You need to focus on YOUR PLAN and move forward. Don�t delay anymore. Your plan is not contingent on anything she does or says, that is just another conflict avoidance tactic.

One of the reasons this has gone on so very long is because you have persistently avoided conflict. It is time to take you pr life back and get out of there.

�Tild her thank you for watching me rot for 7 years and that I could not believe that anyone would let another person go through that. ?�

You long ago became a volunteer and not a victim, though, my friend

So true..not sure why it's easier to walk away now that u am sure..but it really is. I am going to execute the plan this week. When we tell the kids..what should be said.

I would sit the kids down by yourself when you are alone with them and tell them how you have suffered over the past 7 years because of your wife's affair. Let them know that you have filed for divorce and are moving away. Tell them how much it has hurt you living right next to the OM all these years. It has been like the rape victim living next to her rapist. Be completely honest with them about what has really happened here.

Don't invite your wife to this discussion, that is not fair to your kids. They need to get the truth from you.

Ok..just a question. They are 19 and 17. By discussing this will it ruin their relationship with their mother. I know it sounds odd, but I truly want to make I dont say the wrong things. I trust your judgement if you say to share.

What will ruin the relationship is your wife's disgraceful behavior. Your daughters have a right to know the truth. They have a RIGHT to make their own decision about their relationship with their mother. Their mother has caused great harm to her marriage and their family, so don't cover up your wife. Your daughters deserve the full truth; they do not deserve lies and illusions. Don't insult them. They deserve the truth and your wife does not deserve a white washing of her behavior.


I understand completely, but you need to trust us on this one. Don't wreck YOUR relationship with your daughters by covering up for their mother. That is not fair to you, your DD's or your wife. Kids are not made happy or secure by lies and illusions about their parents.

Don't call your wife any names to them, just tell them the full truth. ALONE. Don't warn your wife, just do it.

Your wife has wrecked her marriage and that usually does affect the relationship with the children. It is not the TRUTH that wrecks the relationship, but the destructive behavior.

Agreed. Thanks
Changing gears..what usually happens to the wayward spouse now that this probably 12 yr. Secret is out....?
And does it even matter anymore. At this point, I feel relieved and would be bizarre to ever go back after all that has happened.
Appreciate the feedback and I will tell the kids

Getting the secret out will be the best thing that has happened to your wife in 12 years. But it may have no impact since this is so far gone.

Ok..when we talked today, she said that no one including the kids will do anything with her. I was firm and told her that we have been here...her energy and focus has been somewhere else...assume with him

I would focus on your plan. Talk to your girls and tell them the truth. Do you have a plan where you will go?

Yes..last question..promise. concert out of town next week. We are staying overnight. Pre planned..do I go or no.

I would not go. When are you moving out?

Next week. Tuesday.
The kids will be really upset I'm not going. You dont think they will be upset w/ me?

I misunderstood! I didn't know your kids were going. Sounds like a good idea to go.

Ok..tell them about the affair prior..or does it matter.

I would tell them before. That way, if they have questions, they can ask.

Desty, my children literally cried with relief when I told them about their father's girlfriend and the prior cheating that he had admitted to. They were the same age as yours are now. They had felt the stress in their parents' relationship and had thought that somehow it was their fault. That is what children do.

This information did not destroy their relationship with their father. However, one of my daughters later became sadly estranged from her father later. She told him not to bring his girlfriend to her graduation and he did anyway. I hope they will make their peace with one another and I have told her she should do that when she is ready. She was the closest to him of the three so it was probably a coping mechanism for her.

The good news is that she is now in a romantic relationship. I was worried that she would have trust issues for ever. The truth was what she needed to have above everything.