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Joined: Oct 2004
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Junior Member
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 20 |
My husband and I have had little disagreements over the last couple of years were we don't 'talk' to each other for about a week but then it blows over and we go back to normal. Two weeks ago during the most recent one I addressed my husband about it and he said he needs to leave because he can't change and doesn't want to hurt our kids anymore. He is former military for 23 years so a lot of our stress is from his lack of patience with us 'civilians.' I have not been the wife I should have been either though. He agreed to try until the end of the month since I begged him. After a few days or week I realized that he wasn't putting much effort into it and was still really distant. I found he has been calling and texting with another woman but I have no proof other than the phone bill (she lives out of state). I was following some of Dr. Harley's tactics along with Gary Chapman's Four Seasons of Marriage, Love Languages and also the book Power of a Prayerful Wife.
I am confused as to what to do now. I can't really confront him without any proof. But I am dying trying to be this wonderful wife when he is only intermittently responding. Would telling his family about his need to divorce work to bring him out of the fog? Or should I just keep snooping? He has changed his password for his computer and phone so I don't know how I will get proof.
More info available, but I just needed to get this out there for some advise.
BS-me
WS-him
M-29 years
OC-27
three children together
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Welcome to MB. Can you put spyware on his devices? Or hire a PI?
Do you know if this OW is married?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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How many affairs has he had so far? I think you posted in 2004 and 2006 that he was having an affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2008
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It seems that he had lots of affairs and one-night-stands when he was in the military, and one of those affairs produced OC. So, As MelodyLane says, how many is that that you know about? It's not just two or three, is it?
Is he still in the military? Is he ever deployed?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Joined: Oct 2004
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BrainHurts, He has changed his password for his computer and phone so I don't know how I would access them to put spyware on. She lives out of state so I don't know what a PI could do. I do not believe she is married. I have found her Facebook profile but it is pretty private. Looks like she has a couple of teenagers.
MelodyLane & SugarCane, There have been at least 4 other affairs the last one in 2004. He got out of the military in 2011. After his last deployment he came back a little different and it has only gotten worse - quick to anger and get frustrated, no patience. It is hard to meet his needs when he is like that and I just withdrew. (there is no physical or emotional abuse.)
BS-me
WS-him
M-29 years
OC-27
three children together
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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MelodyLane & SugarCane, There have been at least 4 other affairs the last one in 2004. He got out of the military in 2011. After his last deployment he came back a little different and it has only gotten worse - quick to anger and get frustrated, no patience. It is hard to meet his needs when he is like that and I just withdrew. (there is no physical or emotional abuse.) The problem is not unmet needs but that he is a serial cheater who is actively looking [and finding] action. There is nothing you can do to overcome that. You are better off planning a separation and getting good legal protection so he does not leave you high and dry. I would see an attorney and go into a very dark Plan B. Are you familiar with Plan B?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2004
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Should I keep snooping or confront him about the phone calls? Or even call the number?
BS-me
WS-him
M-29 years
OC-27
three children together
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Should I keep snooping or confront him about the phone calls? Or even call the number? I would consult a good lawyer and get legal protection in preparation for a separation. He is a serial cheater who is in another affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Should I keep snooping or confront him about the phone calls? Or even call the number? I would consult a good lawyer and get legal protection in preparation for a separation. He is a serial cheater who is in another affair. Your problem is that serial cheaters are addicted to the chase and conquest. It gives them an adrenaline rush. So getting rid of this particular woman will not solve anything for you. He will just throw her over and find another. He is an addict and women are his drug. The serial cheater gets better and better over time. Mine could pick up a woman on the street on his way to work. His antenna was so well tuned that he could tell at a glance who was a likely target. A decision to stay married to a serial cheater therefore requires you to supervise him 24 hours a day. He could not even run a quick errand without you, let alone go out to work. Even if he agrees to this, you will hate him by the time you have done that for a few months.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
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Should I keep snooping or confront him about the phone calls? Or even call the number? I would consult a good lawyer and get legal protection in preparation for a separation. He is a serial cheater who is in another affair. Your problem is that serial cheaters are addicted to the chase and conquest. It gives them an adrenaline rush. So getting rid of this particular woman will not solve anything for you. He will just throw her over and find another. He is an addict and women are his drug. The serial cheater gets better and better over time. Mine could pick up a woman on the street on his way to work. His antenna was so well tuned that he could tell at a glance who was a likely target. A decision to stay married to a serial cheater therefore requires you to supervise him 24 hours a day. He could not even run a quick errand without you, let alone go out to work. Even if he agrees to this, you will hate him by the time you have done that for a few months. Sorry for the threadjack but that's such a good post Living Well. I hope you don't mind if I paste it into the serial cheaters thread. I don't think anyone has written about how serial cheaters' skills improve over time before - and you are so right!
BW (me) 40 WH, serial cheater, 41 Four children: DS1 8 DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me) DS3 6 DD 2 D-day Jan 4 2017 Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017 Plan D Aug 28 2017 Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Sorry for the threadjack but that's such a good post Living Well. I hope you don't mind if I paste it into the serial cheaters thread. I don't think anyone has written about how serial cheaters' skills improve over time before - and you are so right! Go ahead!
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Read this Serial Cheaters and listen to the radio clips.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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