I have to admit that I am very confused about affairs. I have read all kinds of information that says that affairs don't last, etc. But then I read about how hard it is to let affairs go. If it's such a big struggle, why do we go through months of hell waiting for our partners to decide what they want in life?

Most don't last, but there are some that last a very long time. For example, desty's wife has been in an affair with their neighbor for about 10 years.

Affairs last a lot longer if the unfaithful spouse is able to stay in the marriage while conducting the affair.

When that happens, the unfaithful spouse gets the best of both worlds. Why would they give that up? If they can stay in the marital home and get domestic and family support, and sexual fulfilment as well if the affair is unknown to the other spouse, or if they leave the home but can return for visits, seeing that their kids are well cared for and they can do short-term duty as a "good parent", their emotional needs are being fulfilled by two people. That's greatly satisfying to some people. Those situations can go on for many years.

However, if the betrayed spouse withdraws from supporting the affair, and throws the unfaithful spouse onto the resources of the affair partner, the weaknesses in the affair relationship are likely to show quite quickly. People who create a relationship founded on the devastation of their own and the other person's spouses and children are not likely to be the sound, committed people that it takes to make a long-lasting marriage.

The move to Plan B, where the affair is supported no longer, should come almost immediately for a betrayed wife, but is best preceded by some months of Plan A for a betrayed husband. Nonetheless, whether the betrayed spouse is a wife or a husband, they need at some point to stop meeting the unfaithful spouse's emotional needs.

Follow Dr Harley's plan and you will be in the best place, despite being the victim of a truly awful situation.

A) You (and other BWs) are not supposed to go through months of hell *waiting*, you are supposed to go into Plan B and make yourself as safe and happy as you possibly can. You are not supposed to wait AT ALL but focus on yourself and the kids with all your might. This is because affairs ARE tenuous, generate great cruelty and being anywhere near them is no joke. (As you already know). You did nothing wrong and deserve to be happy.

B) It's a very strong addiction, comparable to cigarettes or heroin. But the time scale is MUCH shorter and the ultimate effects are reversable. For example, a smoker could smoke for decades before they lose the enjoyment of smoking as the consequences become more and more severe. An initially committed-to-the-affair WS (so long as they are not protected from the consequences by a desperate BS) will start to see the affair fall apart anywhere from six months to a year. Once the fantasy is destroyed it becomes burdensome and expensive in terms of costs.

Once this happens they frequently snap out of the mindset and are completely restored to a healthy mindset - unlike the smokers lungs. Equally, IF the BS has protected herself from harm and resentment during the affair, recovery is much easier for them both.

It doesn't always happen. Some addicts are hopeless and cheat on the affair partner with a new affair partner at that stage. Some BSs decide they were too happy in Plan B to try recovery; but this plan either leads to healing of the marriage or healing of the self.

The most important thing is that you do not end up being the victim of a second and third affair.