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Hi
I know that most of you posting here are the betrayed spouse. I am the wayward spouse. I am reading Surviving an Affair.
My affair was exposed last August. My husband saw a fairly innocent message in my phone that I could have denied but I come clean and told him I had met someone. My affair lasted two months. We met physically twice. It became an emotional affair. I ended it after I told my husband but I didn�t end it in my head... I held on to emails and messages and photos and was even stalking my ex lover on line. I also held onto other secrets of other infidelity. I thought what my husband doesn�t know, can�t hurt him.
My husband and I went to couples counselling but she never pushed for full disclosure and at the time my husband was too afraid to ask for fear of what he might hear, so I stayed quiet because I didn't don�t want to hurt him if he wasn�t ready to hear. I was also terrified of telling him all the horrible dirty dark secrets, in case I lost him forever.
I have always loved him so much. Sounds so hypocritical doesn�t it? How can you love someone and still do something so terrible to them? Just like the typical scenarios is the book, we were not fulfilling emotional needs and we had been neglecting our marriage for years. Loneliness, lack of affection, long work hours, working away from home etc. I had pleaded with my husband to work on the marriage with me but at the time, he wasn�t willing. This is not an excuse for me having an affair! I had choices!
Instead of making the strong persons choice to leave my husband. I made the weak persons choice to fulfill my emotional needs elsewhere... of course now I know, you can�t do that, it doesn�t work.
So now we are both in a place where we are sitting in the fence. We are fairly amicable but there is a lot of fear on both sides. We are living together with our son in our family home, but there is no trust. I am still holding onto more secrets which he knows I need to tell him. I have told him that there is more I need to tell him but I am so scared. I feel dirty and ashamed, I feel like I am a slut. I am terrified of full exposure. I don�t want my parents, my children, my friends to know what I have done, I don�t want them to judge me and think that I am such a terrible person. I feel so ashamed.
I have counselling - I have a history of rape and abuse and overwhelming anxiety over shame and guilt.
I am desperate to tell my husband everything because I do want to give our marriage every chance I can for it to not only to survive but to properly thrive.
All I have ever wanted is the marriage described in the book. A secure, loving, affectionate, attentive, happy, fulfilling marriage and I know that to do that, there can be no secrets.
At the moment, my husband can�t tell me if he does want to work in saving the marriage. Should I get absolute confirmation from him that he does want to save the marriage before I fully disclose? I am scared he just wants all the truth so he can use it against me to tell everyone so they hate me.
I am so scared but I need to do the right thing.
Any advice?
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Hello Hoke, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place if you want the marriage described in the book. But that will never happen unless you tell him the truth and follow these steps. A marriage cannot recover if there is dishonesty. Regardless of whether he wants to stay in the marriage, he deserves the basic facts about your affair. This is information about his life to which he is entitled. It is not all about you. Reading your post, I don't think you are serious about recovery at all. You want a recovered marriage, sure, but you aren't serious about actually doing anything to make that happen. If I can read that in your post, I imagine your H feels the same way.
I suspect he is ambiguous about recovery with you because you have not stepped up here and tried to gain trust. You are still being dishonest with him, so he probably sees this as hopeless. You desperately want to keep the affair a big secret, which is also concerning.
We can help you fix this, but you have to be willing to take some critical first steps and you haven't even done that.
Who is the OM? Is he married? Do you ever see him? How far away does he live?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.
Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The purpose of exposure is to shine light on your affair and gain support for your marriage. It is a critical first step towards recovery. I understand it is embarrassing, but it is therapeutic. ""The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is." "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." Keeping the affair a secret is not in your best interest or your husbands. From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67 The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted. These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives. Checklist for How Affairs Should End _____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse. _____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again. _____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse. _____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP: _____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). _____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers). _____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). _____Spend leisure time together. _____Change jobs and relocate if necessary. _____Avoid overnight separation. _____Allow technical accountability. _____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I feel dirty and ashamed, I feel like I am a slut. I am terrified of full exposure.  Oh dear! The feelings you describe are one of the reasons I am such a cheerleader for full exposure. Shame and fear are lying liars. Do not listen to them. Do not let them isolate in you the dark where all burdens are heavy because you carry them alone. What would you do if you were not afraid?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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At the moment, my husband can�t tell me if he does want to work in saving the marriage. Should I get absolute confirmation from him that he does want to save the marriage before I fully disclose? I am scared he just wants all the truth so he can use it against me to tell everyone so they hate me. He deserves the truth BEFORE he makes a decision. He gets to weigh up the full facts and decides if he wants to recover from what is accurately described. If you balk at telling him the truth, you will be making the decision FOR him, ('I will keep you', rather than 'Will you stay') While the latter question is terrifying, the former is only ok to do with pets! As for his telling people it is his right. Even though the affair has caused you misery too, he is the victim. He would be actively encouraged to do a widespread exposure here. Indeed recovery is impossible without it. As long as he does not use anger/insulting language it will help him. I honestly think it would help you too.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I don�t want my parents, my children, my friends to know what I have done, I don�t want them to judge me and think that I am such a terrible person. I feel so ashamed. Yes, people do judge. But they also judge you by how you handle it. Most people are very forgiving and supportive when they see a person is truly trying to redeem themselves.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How can you love someone and still do something so terrible to them? Just like the typical scenarios is the book, we were not fulfilling emotional needs and we had been neglecting our marriage for years. Loneliness, lack of affection, long work hours, working away from home etc. I had pleaded with my husband to work on the marriage with me but at the time, he wasn’t willing. The reason that you had your affair was that you didn't/don't have appropriate boundaries around the opposite sex. Plenty of people have unmet needs in marriage and don't have affairs - because they are exercising EPs (extraordinary precautions) in marriage. Plenty of people are getting their ENs met in marriage and do have affairs - because they are NOT exercising EPs in marriage. Who is this OM and how did the affair start?
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I know that most of you posting here are the betrayed spouse. There are plenty of FWS posting here. They are some of our finest posters.
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I am still holding onto more secrets which he knows I need to tell him. I have told him that there is more I need to tell him but I am so scared. One of the EPs (extraordinary precautions) that must followed in order to protect your marriage is to be 100% open and honest and transparent. Had you been following this one EP alone - the affair likely wouldn't have happened. Affairs and dishonesty go hand in hand. If you are not willing to abandon your SSL - secret second life - then there is zero chance for recovery.
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I am so scared but I need to do the right thing.
Any advice? Please understand, one of the most painful aspect of being betrayed is being LIED to. By continuing to hide aspects of your affair and SSL (secret second life), you are making a BAD situation WORSE. Whenever a WS decides to trickle truth their BS, you are further draining their love for you, it lessens the chances of a successful recovery, and it just creates more suffering for the BS. Just tell your H everything. Don't leave anything out. And into the future, any time that you feel that you should "hide" something, the opposite is actually true - it is a signal that you should tell your spouse immediately.
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OP
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Thank you everyone for your replies. They have been really helpful.
I have now told my husband everything.
I have not had any contact with the OM for just under a year.
I know I now need to give my husband time to work all of this out. The book says not to expose out of anger but from a place of compassion. My husband is justifiably angry and wants revenge.
My husband has exposed me to some of our friends who are supportive to my husband but not supportive in repairing the marriage.
We also want to tell our 9 yo son but are struggling to find the age appropriate words that will explain the hurt and pain I have caused without using words that could �traumatise with thoughts� something our counsellors said is important not to do.
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Would your husband come here for support? It may reassure him and we could guide him on appropriate steps, even if he is undecided (most people are). . My husband is justifiably angry and wants revenge. What type of behaviour are we talking about here? You are not expected to put up with angry outbursts or vengeful words. .
My husband has exposed me to some of our friends who are supportive to my husband but not supportive in repairing the marriage. This is an understandable response on their part IF there is no plan in place to protect their friend from future affairs. If your husband is given the plan, and decides to follow it, people are actually going to need to see you follow through with it. Every action will buy you more credibility. Words alone will not do. The fact that you voluntarily revealed the affair is a better start than most. Take heart that it will take time.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Who is this OM and how did the affair start? Could you answer this? Thank you.
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In addition to SusieQ�s question please read this Exposing to Children
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Who is this OM and how did the affair start? Could you answer this? Thank you. You said you were also holding back information about �other infidelities.� How many affairs were there, and with who? Are you still in contact with any other AP�s? Did you now come clean about ALL affairs?
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Last June. I started chatting to other married men on the internet. I met three men all of whom were married. I had an affair with one that lasted two months. It ended in August last year. We have not had contact since. I also had a one night stand with a male friend last July.
My husband is a long haul pilot and has his own second life away from home and the family. My husband has never given me evidence/reason to believe he has had an affair but he has in the past lied about going out with the flight crew and he withholds information from me and at times has felt very distant.
Prior to this my husband and I had a one night stand with another woman. This happened 15 years ago.
I realise this is all extremely dysfunctional. I don�t want to feel/behave like this.
I have been absolutely 100% truthful and I have told my husband everything because I want to follow the programme.
I gave my husband all the details about the other man last August. He thought about exposing him to his wife last year but did not. He does not want to expose the man who I had the affair with as he is scared it will give the man a reason to try to contact me again.
I told him about the one night stand with my friend and he did contact him and wanted to seek revenge.
My husband does not think the EPs are all necessary - he feels spending time apart to follow our own pursuits is healthy and necessary.
He says the book should be seen as more of a guideline and this scares me as I am afraid it won�t work unless we follow the EPs. All I have ever wanted is the type of marriage the book guarantees!
I have suggested my husband could come here for support. I have told him that I am here looking for help.
Last edited by Hoke74; 07/25/18 06:56 AM. Reason: Spelling
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Dr H specifically rejects suggestions that the program can be cherry picked. He says constantly that the plan is an exact recipe and that recovery from just one affair (never mind serial and mutual infidelties) is "a narrow path".
Recovery is well nigh impossible if your husband keeps this job. Even happy and stable marriages don't work long distance and when Dr H was working with the military he tried hard but failed to come up with solutions to the high rate of infidelity. When couples live apart, infidelity follows.
Your husband is experiencing the result of such a lifestyle and instead of grieving and second guessing these choices; he wants time for hobbies?
This is not a typical betrayed spouse reaction. I think you were on the money with your instincts that he has a secret second life which he is no loathe to give up.
At any rate I don't think you have enough capital to persuade him to follow this marriage recovery program because he likes things as they are.
My advice would be to snoop and leave; or simply to leave. If you found evidence of his infidelities that might give you more chance of getting a divorce.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Have you listened to the radio clips in Traveling Jobs ?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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In your situation, I would recommend that you both take a polygraph. You can tell your BH that you would like to BOTH take one, to get all of your history on the table so that you can move forward with radical honesty. You can say that after being dishonest like you have been, you want to prove to him that you have told him everything. And you would also like some reassurance that you too know everything.
I agree 100% with Indie that your BH�s reaction is more typical of someone who has their own secrets to conceal and SSL to protect, than that of a usual BS. If that is true, now is the time to get it all out on the table to decide if and how to move forward. Without honesty you can not recover, and without following EPS you can also not recover.
Do any of the OMs love close to you? Are you still in contact with the friend you had the ONS with?
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