You've got emotional needs, and those are legitimate.

In fact despite all the gaslighting, abuse, and infidelity your wife has probably been meeting those for you somewhat - it's extremely common for people to stay in horrendously abusive marriages simply because the abuser does a good enough job of meeting the abused spouse's needs that they stay around.

Some day down the road after you are divorced you can start dating around again and find someone who meets your emotional needs well AND doesn't mistreat you in terrible ways.

I have thought about this..when I dont see her, I am perfectly fine. So the plan from here 0n out is to have minimal conversation via email only, zero personal interaction becuase I dont need it and when the divorce is final - zero contact.

I have thought about this..when I dont see her, I am perfectly fine. So the plan from here 0n out is to have minimal conversation via email only, zero personal interaction becuase I dont need it and when the divorce is final - zero contact.

Sounds perfect! Better times are coming! You now have a bright future...

It's been a few days..just an updaye..everything is being done via email and I haven't spoken or seen my wife since Sunday. Melody..u were absolutely right. Not bei g around him or her has given me more time to think then I ever have. I have a new job interview next week and so far have no issues living on my own. I see my girls often and to be honest I am not even concerned with my wife at all. I hope it stays this way as time goes on. I think the key for me is to not see it talk to her. I am o ly focused on me and wherever she does is up to her.
So far...so good

Sorry for typos..

Very good!!! So glad to hear of your solid progress. When your emotions try to send you sick messages, allow your LOGIC to talk you off the cliff. Logically, you know your wife is bad news for you. You will gain more self confidence, much quicker, if you allow your logic to protect you. Moving out has been the best thing you have done in years.

Keep up the great work, KEEP WALKING!

Melody..thanks for the advice. I think your comment on when the sick thoughts come use logic is perfect. I find that thoughts of wanting to fix it (clearly to late anyway) come and go...plus wondering if it was right to let her have the house. The kids stay by default as I am not on the school district. Then I use logic and think of all the vacations she hasn't went on..all the times she wasn't there for me...and add the fact that I do t need to even see him ever again...def. made the right choice. Only sad thoughts and I'm sure its normal is that she is going to have a great life without me and the kids will forget me becuase I'm not around as much...

desty the trick is to keep busy! make a bucket list, wallow in not needing to PoJA anything, even dinner. You have to make lots of self care, make lots of weekend plans etc.

What makes you happy? On my list was silly movies, weekend drives to the beach, pedicures, charity shop paperbacks, staying with friends, gardening, volunteering.... Don't look back, look forward.

Just need a little advice. Final meeting with attorney in a.m. so we can get this divorce wrapped up. Haven't talked to my wife in 1 1/2 weeks and as I said I blocked her #. I need to send her an email tomorrow with the info from attorney. Feel kind of childish but this 0 contact helps me. The less I have the less I think. Not sure if this makes me strong or weak..seems like she could be friends i.e. talk about di orce..blah.blah. doesnt fit me.
I am going to take the kayak and do a 2 day by myself this weekend. I just assume that the emotions will level off with time. Honestly I have thought very little about ever going back. Probably the worst feeling now is being alone .. feeling pretty lost right now. Assume normal.

Strong people are strong because they avoid things that injure them.

The first chapter after you get out IS rather bleak. That is normal, yes, you have a lot to process. For once you can do so with a clear mind and no one disputing what's real.

Be sure not to expect too much of yourself and revel in all the little things. Most importantly of all remind yourself that this is an entirely new life. If it feels a little empty and lonely that is because it is still a blank page. A blank page is also pretty exciting though.

Can the attorney send this email...?

I sent the email. She responded with just what I asked..a picture and she is going to stop by the attorneys to pick up the paper work. When i send an email, i prelude it with no reply needed other that information requested.
So, she wanted to meet in person to discuss the final divorce paperwork, but since I told her that I would not be meeting her anymore for any face to face discussions , she has not asked and I have not had any communication other than what is absolutely necessary.

This has been a huge win for me. I also blocked her number. I think this will help me get over the divorce quicker.
Thank you for the advice given. This is hopefully the latter part of a long journey. Being alone has been hard, but also eye opening ..good and bad. The most amazing thing is how much time I spent thinking of him and her. Most of that is gone. If they are together now...its not my concern.

.......yeah. Hugs.

It all leads to good stuff.

I hope so...lol

They say a month for every year of marriage for recovery? That's like 3 years. Please tell me that if I keep walking, it will compound the healing and cut the time down. This roller coaster rider of emotion is scarier than the amusement park and free.

Who�s �they?� I have never heard the month for every year of marriage. That is saying someone who has been married 2 years can recover from an affair in 2 months. Um, no. I have heard Dr Harley say 2 years for a marriage to recover from an affair, but I don�t know that that timeline applies to divorcing. I would say personal recovery can be quicker or slower depending on you. For instance, the less contact you have with WW will speed up recovery. The more you focus on your own happiness and health will speed up recovery.

A vet told me that people who enter a personal recovery plan tend to feel better within two years max.

Id say it was six months were I felt pretty ok and I felt totally healed within a year.

It's more about what you do in the present. A mind that is happy and occupied in the present has no reason to time travel. Your mind will process stuff, but only until it learns a lesson, categorised it and will then move on. I used to let myself think in the shower, process, grieve; then on with today.

It gets easier. Do you have any plans to host your girls yet?

You can check out my thread if youre curious. I tried to keep a faithful journal and other Plan Bers chimed in with their experiences of self recovery;

https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php/topics/2612581/159.html