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Hi
How do i login to Forums once you have logout.
Thanks
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Hey Mervyn. Could you let us know how you are proceeding with the following items? How many have been checked off? From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends. This should not take more than a couple days.
Last edited by indiegirl; 09/04/18 01:06 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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hi Indiegirl
Thanks for your help with login please reply you received this post.
Many Thanks
Mervyn
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Hi Mervyn,
We can all see your post.
We can help with your checklist if you number what's been done and what's still outstanding?
How does that sound?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Hi All
Glad to be back on the Forum.
I have done the following on the checklist as follows:-
number 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 n/a, 10,11 not sure what it means,12.
I have seen the error of my ways and the hurt I have caused my Wife.
I am trying to make things better by being more thoughtful and putting my Wife first.
I know I have a long way to go in repairing my marriage, i go to church regularly and attend Bible Class once a week.
Our Pastor has been a tower of strength to both of us.
We still have our good days and bad, i am working hard to improve my relationship with my Wife.
The Forum has been fantastic support to my Wife and I thank you all.
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Hi All
Glad to be back on the Forum.
I have done the following on the checklist as follows:-
number 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 n/a, 10,11 not sure what it means,12.
I have seen the error of my ways and the hurt I have caused my Wife.
I am trying to make things better by being more thoughtful and putting my Wife first.
I know I have a long way to go in repairing my marriage, i go to church regularly and attend Bible Class once a week.
Our Pastor has been a tower of strength to both of us.
We still have our good days and bad, i am working hard to improve my relationship with my Wife.
The Forum has been fantastic support to my Wife and I thank you all. What do you mean 1-9 are not applicable?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I think he means number 9 is not applicable: that he doesnt need to change jobs because no workplace affairs.
Mervyn that item also means geographical relocation; are you sure you do not need to relocate to avoid affair partners? What distance are they from you? Same town?
You say you're not sure on 10: "Avoid overnight separation" it just means not taking any trips without your wife.
For 11 "Allow technical accountability" This means your wife should have your passwords for computers, accounts and phones. She should be able to check things out whenever she likes.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I am retired so no 9 does not apply and i do not need to relocate.
number 10 i am happy about.
yes my Wife has access to everything
Thank you for clarifying no 11
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What about going out without her, going to bars, and having female friends? You recently went to a bar with a woman and were accused if flirting with another? What is being done about that?
You should not be going ANYWHERE without your wife, much less going to bars.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hi Brainhurts
Only number 9 is not applicable as i am a pensioner.
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Hi Melody
The only place I go to without my Wife is to pick up my granddaughter from school most days.
Going to bars does not happen anymore as we go together except for above.
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Today was not a good day, lost my self control and told my Wife her sister did not love her and having sex with her meant nothing.to me although i left our bed to have sex with
my sister in law.
This after i told her first affair also meant nothing even though it lasted years,my Wife says i need to respect women i'm being intimate with
This deeply hurt my Wife as nothing could be further from the truth.i regret saying those words to my cost.
i try so hard not to retaliate as i always end up on the wrong side of the argument.
i want to refrain from retaliating in the future, does anyone have any suggestions how i can overcome this as i want to make things better with my Wife
who i dearly love.
I know i have a mountain to climb in order to win her back after all that i have done wrong.
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How did this conversation even come up? The aim is to focus on the present and the future. You should not be rehashing the affairs between the two of you.
Who raised the topic and for what purpose?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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having sex with her meant nothing. should never have happened and never will happen again The conversation shouldn't arise, but since it did I dont approve of the wording. Don't try to get off the hook by telling your wife that its ok for you to have sex with any women you don't love. That is a deeply worrying idea.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I am confused as to why you would need to �retaliate� against the victim of your crimes??
Your wife is a victim here. She is in incredible pain. The fact that you intentionally say untrue things to retaliate against her and hurt her more is very cruel.
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Hi Indiegirl
My Wife raised the topic to remind me of my indiscretions
I agree with your comments entirely they make sense. i will in future take your advise and think of the present and future only.l
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You are quite right i should not have been so insensitive, thank you for your comments much appreciated.
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Hi Indiegirl,
P. S.
Although my Wife brought the subject up says i made her feel she was of no value.
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Hi Indiegirl,
P. S.
Although my Wife brought the subject up says i made her feel she was of no value. So you are TRYING very hard to make her feel she has no value. And you are succeeding! What can you do to change that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Your wife said you said this: When i try to talk to him he throws his arms up and says get over it Don't EVER tell her to "get over it" again. That's selfish and cruel of you to say. STOP BEING CRUEL AND SELFISH. When she brings it up, you need to hug her and say "honey, I am so sorry I did this. Please forgive me." Honestly, you don't deserve to have a spouse. If you were my spouse, you would have been faced with my pistol a long time ago. STOP BEING CRUEL.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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