Hi,im 45, had a 6 year old affair with a guy - AFTER TAKING PERMISSION from my husband. So I did not cheat on him exactly. Yes, I did ask him for a divorce 7 years ago but he refused. So we both agreed to be living together and leading our lives this way.
Now, regarding my AP, he is married for 15 years. But his wife left him (8 years ago) and has been staying at her parents along with her 13 year old son. The reason why she left was that he was irresponsible, earns little, and lives in a joint family along with his parents. She knew this arrangement before marriage but later couldn�t adjust in a joint family. He didnot want to move out so she left him expecting him to come back to her. He did not and waited for her to return. But they kept meeting once in a while during these 8 years. He doesnt believe in divorce (family reputation) so he kept begging her to return home. But she refused. He even went and tried to live in her house with her parents but it didnot work so he came back to his home and now lives with his very old mom.
Now from the last 2 years His wife banned him from meeting his son. The boy cries for dad and dad misses him a lot but she doesnt want them to meet as she first wants this man to come and live with her with her parents. But he cant leave his old mom who is sick all alone.
He didnot want to take any legal action to get the visitation rights of his son - may be he was scared that it would annoy his wife and may he waited for a day when she would change her mind and come back to him. But in spite of his sincere efforts, she never came back to his home.
4 years after she left his home, I met him and we had become friends first and then started to share personal issues we had and got into this affair. Now, he always told me that he wanted her to be home because he wanted his kid. He never lied to me on that. But he said he doesnt love her as she left him with her son and made him a laughing stock among all his relatives. In these 6 years, I DAILY kept asking him ( much to his irritation) if he wanted to build his family again and in that case, I would never ever continue this affair. He ALWAYS told me that he doesnt love her and he wants only his son so he HAD to be nice to her. He told me that he gave up all hopes of being with her. I trusted him but always checked ( DAILY!!!!!) if he still wants her. I never wanted to break his home but he kept assuring me that it was already broken.
Suddenly, I came to know 20 days ago ( read his chat) that he has been continuously begging her to return home, planning their anniversary day and even planning to shift to her home. ALL THIS WHILE SLEEPING WITH ME AND kept denying when I asked him if he wants her back. I spent all 6 years actually checking if he wants her back and if Im coming in between them. HE ALWAYS SAID NO. But when I read all chats he exchanged,I was totally heart broken. In spite of me asking him daily if he wanted her, he denied it and lied to me that he was not even talking to her.
I was devastated and shocked. Why the hell he was with me when he wanted her back so badly? I never begged him to stay with me. I would have walked out immediately if I had known this. But after 6 years into this relationship, this has a been a big shcok to me. I confronted him and he said he doesnot know why he did. He said it was for his son he was in touch with her and he doesnt love her. But why lie to me???? I never asked him to marry me or even stay with me. I simply asked him to be open in his feelings and if he had feelings for her, I would leave. Now he says that he just lied because he was afraid that I will leave him and he wasn�t sure that she would ever really come back him. Shocking! That means had she come back to him, he would have dumped me or still been with me? I would never agree to the latter.
But from his chats I also saw that they both were not meeting in person for the past 2 years though they live 10 km away from each other. They were only talking on whatsapp, not even phone calls. But still, he was asking her to return to him. If he loved his wife and she loved him back, why were they not even meeting each other for 2 years and why correspond only through messages? But then why was he making plans for his anniversary? When asked he said, he had to maintain that correspondence with her so that he can hope to get access to their son. She denied all his advances, cancelled all his anniversary plans � from the chat, I understood that She wasn�t interested in even meeting him.
Now one of our common friends hacked into his account and send all our pics and emails to his wife. She was mad, angry and threatened to give him a divorce. But he refused. They still talk only phone and he is still not confessing to the affair completely. I dont understand how she is concerned about what he does in his life when she walked out of this marriage 8 years ago. How can someone who loves husband can stay away for so long and deny access to the dad, his son for 2 years??????
How can they reconcile if they are not even meeting and he is not totally confessing to the affair ( he said it was a one year old affair but all emails we exchanged disclose the truth anyway) .She told all her family, her sisters, BIL, parents about this affair and whole family is mad at him. But he is still trying to fool her saying that someone edited the emails and he is innocent. I m not sure if she trusts him.
He is still in touch with me, calling me once a week but told me that we should not meet for at least 6 months to one year. I begged him give me a closure and tell me that he did not fake all 6 years and let me go but he says nothing. But then he calls me once in a while and says that he is all this to de-addcit me from him and slowly he will disconnect. Im so confused and hurting like hell. Does he want to come back or no? Why is he trying to de-addict me? Or he is calling me to check if im moving on? Does he want me to actually move on? And suddenly he even asks me if I can join him in January to Australian Open? Iam so confused. Does he not want to make his marriage work? But then he is not even talking to me properly. Im so angry that he says he wants to save his reputation among his family and friends and is not ready for a divorce. He know his wife would never live with him again , anyway she wasnt living but he wants me to 'stay low-profile'.. Im not able to stay or get away from this relationship.
I invested a lot into this relationship, I have lived like a wife to this man, I cooked, cleaned, took care of him when he sick, spent a lot of money and really really loved him, encouraged him at every stage of his life. Its not just sex but I have been such a support for him at every stage for all these 6years. he hardly spent any money on me, I was the one who invested even monetarily and I never cared about it. He did spend a lot of time with me, he and I had so much fun discussing things and having fun, sharing pain.
Now I feel that I should make him come back to me and then pretend to be nice with him and dump him exactly the way he did to me by telling all lies and two-timing him. How can I do that? Only then I can get move on in my life. Please advice me.

You know from experience how destructive an affair is. The best way to get 'closure' is to end this affair now, change your contact info and never speak to this man ever again. Revenge only adds more destruction to the situation and will not help you in any way. It had cost way too much already and it will not be in anyones best interest to invest even more in this destructive relation.

In this thread you can find links to all relevant articles on how to stop the destructive affair and how to recover.
https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/...affair-start-here-first.html#Post2695379
If you click and read, you will get sane advice. It is structured in a way that damage will be minimized and benefits are maximized. As you have experienced, an affair has a destructive nature (lies, deceit, dishonesty). Read the links and come back with questions after you have read the material.

Shortcut: you can read advice on how to end your affair here:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html
This site does not just tell you affairs are bad, but it gives you a good and proven plan to recover from the damage or an affair.

Have you cut all contact with your affair partner?