Probably poor boundaries and entitlement.

You gave him years of your time, spend your future time wisely. In your eyes it might be a good idea to stay in the house, but the house will be a constant reminder of him. Consider moving.

People who claim they want closure, usually don't want closure, but continued contact. Real closure would be no contact and looking forward.

He seems not one bit repentant, so it would be foolish to even consider forgiving.

Well that is a grim way to get the bills paid.

But you know you're right? it's a common fear. And that's why he needs to have so many little chit chats with you 'about the house'. How many discussions are necessary to say 'so 50-50 then?' or to say 'you'll be hearing from the lawyers'. If you can't take his phone calls without dissolving into a heap of emotions (which, yes, is human) then STOP TAKING HIS CALLS before you do anything else to embarrass your future self.

He calls you (with not a word of remorse, mind) to make you feel fear about doing this without him and his money. Wanders by like a stray cat expecting something for nothing. Actually offers to pay you money (!!) his girlfriend probably wont allow.

You have more courage than this.

(Btw, many of us had to support a double income household with a single or no income but we refused to do so the way you are suggesting. My divorce was far, far more expensive than I would have believed and yet I was better off financially than I'd ever been because I made better decisions without him. I am even more well off now.)


No it is a place of plans. A failure to plan is a plan to fail. A married woman in your position would be encouraged to plan B; no contact at all, even to discuss legalities to prevent harm to her mental health and appearing desperate to a cake-eating man. She would be encouraged to divorce to protect her finances from an unreliable man.

You are not married and you have lived together for a long time. Your plan should be to consider why you are offering forgiveness to someone who couldn't even get to the altar.

I would take a look at:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5068a_qa.html

But of course he has no interest in giving you what you need. So you are facing the basic question that brings a lot of people to this site: "What can I do when I need something from someone and they aren't willing to meet my need?"

Of course, you can't control anybody.

You can knock yourself out trying, though, as a lot of people on this site have done. Years later you are likely to wish you hadn't wasted the time and effort.

A successfully married man who used to be on this forum used to give me a lot of help and became a sort of mentor to me a few years ago. Often times when we would talk he would hear me describe my problem and then say "So what are you going to do about it?" That turned out to be a fantastic question! After he'd asked it a few dozen times I learned to start thinking about what I could do about my marriage problems instead of just getting mired down and depressed by them.

So - you need this guy to give you closure, but he's not going to do that. So I'd like to ask the same question: what are you going to do about it? Any ideas?


Dr. Harley has a great recovery plan to help with that. It is called "Plan B." It probably needs to be adapted slightly to fit your situation, but I think it would work great.

I agree with markos and think Plan B (modified to your situation) is an excellent idea. How to Plan B Correctly

What adaptations did you two have in mind? I was mulling over something similar because I don't think he is a safe person to communicate with unless he were to do something like both quit his job AND voluntarily expose his part in the affair to the betrayed husband. Until then, he's just a Venus flytrap trying to triangulate his two women again.

If he were to do those things himself without prompting, maybe. Perhaps at the natural end of the affair.

Buuuuut I'm hesitant to recommend someone set 'I will talk to you when...' conditions or standards for someone who has lived with you a long time without marrying you. Add in the cheating before the planned marriage, and setting standards for potentially resuming things start getting ridiculously like beating a dead horse.

Are we talking a simple Plan No Contact, because people in FLs situation would feel a lot better if they cut off the person manipulating them?

I have considered moving but I am happy to stay at the house. The memories are starting to fade and I am looking forward to redecorating and making it my own. It is also a lot better with regards to work for me as well.

I didn�t see closure as continued contact, I just wanted to know why he has done this.

Yes you need to go no contact with him and then you will start to feel so much better.

Yeah to redocorating; I did this too. If you need financial support keeping it, then only rely on what a solicitor can get you. Anything he verbally promises is 100% not going to happen.



Lots of people ask and they always get the same set of limited answers.


There is absolutely no benefit in asking a proven liar to tell you the truth.

People have affairs for one reason only; they like it and have no boundaries around the opposite sex.

Many former waywards on this board (who said all of the usual lies) later admit that they just got selfish.

No matter what his answer is, be prepared it will not be a satisfying answer and it is will not lessen the pain. If you still want the answer, get it over with as quick as possible. Prepare for disappointment.

It would most probably be better if you didn't, who needs more pain?

Yep. Five second conversation = What? One, two weeks worth of crying in the shower? Three weeks of sleepless nights?


Not worth it.

Yes, we know the answer to this question here, and it's a lot safer to ask and get the answer here than it is to subject yourself to someone who is painful just to have any contact at all with!!

Mainly I was thinking to dispense with any sort of Plan B letter.

Hi, it has been a while since I last posted. I am really struggling at the moment and feel like I need to reach out to him, I won�t but I don�t know how to get rid of this feeling? Everything feels like it is catching up with me now, I was feeling ok but feel like everything is going downhill now.

Find something really fun and enjoyable to replace it with. Do you have the RC inventory, it�s full of great ideas. Do you have a best friend or family member you can make plans with?

I haven�t seen the RC inventory, I will have a look thank you. I�ve been trying to keep busy with friends and family. It�s just when I am at home on my own I struggle. I have been getting bad chest pains but the doctor thinks it is anxiety. I feel as more time passes the worse I feel.