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Joined: Sep 2018
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Thank you for admitting me to this forum. Firstly, I would like to quote a member of this forum old_fashioned of 7 November 2014:

old_fashioned

I have been searching for answers, explanations, anything to help me get rid of these thoughts. My situation is nearly identical to those of old_fashioned. At nearly 22 years of age I did not have any sexual experience before. That is when I met my wife, we started dating, and it was not long after that when she told me that we should become intimate. I was shocked and told her that I had been saving that for the day that I get married. She responded by saying that if I love her, I will do it with her. I must say at this stage that although I dated several girls before her in my life, I was still very nave regarding the birds and the bees. Needless to say, it did happen. Three months later she wanted to break up, but I refused to accept that and we stayed together. We got married just over a year after that day. When our first child was born, I was suspicious of her attitude with other men. The flirting with other men never ended. At that stage I started asking her about her previous boyfriends, and it eventually came out that she had a sexual relationship with her previous boyfriend. I was devastated. The thoughts of her with another man continued for several years but eventually I managed to get it out of my mind.
About four years ago, the jack in the box (quoting old_fashioned) jumped up, and from there on I asked for honesty, and got it piece by piece. Her sexual encounters started when she was barely fifteen years of age with a man five year older than she. Their encounters were very frequent and lasted for about two years. She also cheated on him sexually with another man, who was also a few years older than she. Then another previous boyfriend popped up with whom she also was very sexually active.
Until today I am devastated. We are married thirty-eight years this year. The deception still does not stop, but what kills me the most is that her previous sexual habits and preferences does not want to leave our bedroom.

I do love her very much, but this is killing me. Other than what I have told you here, it is very much the same situation as it was for old_fashioned. May anybody comment and help me out of this thoughts?


Married 38 years, two daughters, one son, three grandchildren, all sent from heaven.
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Casper, welcome to MB! I am so happy to say that many folks have been able to put the past in the past where it wont bother them any more and create a happiness in their marriage that lasts a lifetime.

I encourage you to listen to the radio show daily and to write in. I listened on the way into work this morning and while the topic isnt the one you mentioned, it explained in detail why you will start feeling better.

Please let me know what you think.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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NewEveryDay, Thank you for the quick reply, I really appreciate it. Unfortunately I stay in South Africa / Swaziland, so listening to the radio station will not be possible. There is so much more to discuss, should the forum allow me to.
Kind regards


Married 38 years, two daughters, one son, three grandchildren, all sent from heaven.
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My apologies please, firstly, my command of the English language; it is not my home language, and then, where I am from we give the day , then month and then the year. old_fashioned's post seems to be on 11 July 2014.


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We can post back and forth of course, but you are very tormented and in a lot of pain and if you listen to yesterdays show specifically I think you would be amazed how much your pain alleviates and how much understanding you would have when we talk through next steps together. There is a free app for Apple and Android


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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Please take a look at mrs desparates thread, many posters have sent great advice on how to end your torment and bring your focus to the present, so you can create happiness in your marriage in the present.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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Markos often advises spouses to take a notebook to write down action steps. What actions steps do you see to start with in old fashioneds thread?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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Good morning NED, (If I may call you that). To be perfectly honest, I do not believe in burying it and forget and carry on with my life. It is not possible. What I mentioned earlier, is that my wife's actions, most of the time unconsciously, reminds me of her very promiscuous past. I believe in total honesty, so I keep talking to her but unfortunately she sees it as an attack on her, so she turn to telling blatant lies, most of which she can not remember what she said previously, resulting in total chaos in my thoughts, because I do remember what she said last time. For now, in my ignorance on how to make our marriage whole, the only action steps I see is to talk and try my best to convince her that absolute honesty saves marriages, not dishonesty just like Dr. Harley prescribes.

Thank you for your care and interest in this nightmare.


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NED, Thank you, I have read through Mrs desparate's post, and I can assure you that none of it is similar to what we are going through. I am not or have ever been abusive physically, verbally or emotionally with my wife. As a matter of interest, about four weeks ago we had a very serious talk about the old habits and preferences which does not want to leave our marriage alone, after which wife told me that she will not allow that to happen again, but three nights ago it was all back again.
One of the members posted the following:
Personally I have found old traumatic memories do not just pop up randomly. There is usually something in the present that is jogging these memories.
This is exactly what is happening with us.

Thank you again.


Married 38 years, two daughters, one son, three grandchildren, all sent from heaven.
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Kind of weird, asking for help and getting no response. Weird forum..., or is it just all about money?


Married 38 years, two daughters, one son, three grandchildren, all sent from heaven.
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Let me see if I understand what you have written.

You have been married for 38 years and recently you asked your wife to tell you about her sexual history. And so she told you all of it and you are devastated by what her history was and this was all before you two were dating.

Do I understand correctly?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Casper, you mention old_fashioneds thread several times here. In addition to reading the problem on that thread, did you also read the advise? It is the same advise that was given to you in this thread...to stop talking about mistakes of the past and focus on making a great marriage in the present.

It seems to me you did not like this advise and brushed it aside. It hasnt changed since old_faahioneds thread 4 years ago and is not going to change now. You need to stop dwelling on your wifes past from many many years ago and focus on creating a great marriage today.


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