I will be getting married later this year and my question is how to handle potential conflict in levels of tidyness. She will be moving from another country with just some of her clothes. My house is tidy like a hotel. There is nothing on the counters, walls or anything of a personal nature. All personal stuff is on the computers. I display photos and artwork on the TVs. Her kitchen and bathroom counters are full of items. She uses the dining room table for storage and mine has nothing on it. She has pictures and decorations on her refrigerator and again nothing on mine.

Welcome to MB. Have you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement ?

I have read this policy. She would ask how I would feel about leaving items on the counter. I would respond that I would not feel comfortable, then she would not do it.

But if we had moved to her home and I asked how she would feel if I cleared the counters. Then if she responded that she did not feel comfortable the items would remain.

Hi Happyagain,

very good that you are thinking of this beforehand.
It is important to speak with each other about the policy of joint agreement.
I see some problem with keeping up your standard though.

You seem to be very meticulous and obviously have a very well-kept household.
For most people, who are not naturally inclined to this, it may be very difficult to maintain that standard though.
Also, if your wife moves into your house, you want her to feel that it is her home (!) too.
This means, that she may want to redecorate or change some things - hopefully after speaking with you, but many wives assume that the husband will be thrilled that they are putting nice photographs on the refridgerator.
Also, if she is the one that will be responsible for the household, it may not be a good idea to force her to maintain your standards, which are probably not as meaningful to her. You don't want to be her police officer.
Another complication will arise if she gets pregnant. a) Most women are DEAD tired in the first 3 months of pregnancy, when it doesn't even show (I fell asleep at work in front of the computer) and it will probably not get better during the rest of pregnancy and you will want your wife to have rest and peace to ensure your baby is healthy b) after pregnancy, when the child is there, this will make it very difficult for the next 15 years or so to maintain such a spotless household.
At this point, you are on your own and it is much easier to maintain your standard.

So, you will have some thinking to do in order to reach an agreement where both you AND your future wife will be happy:
- Think about why it is important to you that your house is like it is now.
- Think about why it is important to reach an agreement your wife will also be happy with.
- Dr Harley recommends, that the person who finds a particular houshold chore moste important, be the one to do it. This may mean that you take over all cleaning responsibilities and tidying, even if your wife is the one who makes more things messy than you.
You may also think about different rooms in the house, so that you perhaps have the living room table spotless, but have a kitchen table, that can be used for all sorts of things, or you have a room where all things are up to your standard and rooms were you have different rules.
This can only be solved by the two of you AND you must make sure, that the solution is one that your wife heartily agrees on and not just because she wants to please you/feels under pressure, etc. And it may very well be, that you have to renegotiate, because things are not working the two of you want rightaway, but after a few years or months, you will have a situation you are both happy about.

You can only win, if both of you are happy.
Please consider, that the person who is more meticulous, may have the tendency to consider the other person untidy, while the person who is more relaxed may think of the other person as over-the-top. Try not to make disrespectful judgements about each other, as not everyone is alike and there is no "right" or "wrong" only different taste, habits and tendenies. You have to find the solution you can both live with.

Good luck,

Happyheart

P.S.
I have a colleague (physician) who has a physician husband who cannot stand 1 grain of sand on the floor. As it so happens, they have 4 children under 5, 2 dogs and a horse. She is now experiencing severe chronic pains and other stress related health problems, caused by the sheer stress of being solely responsible for maintaining the house spotless, while he is only home in the late evening and not helping, but criticizing if he finds so much as literally 1 grain of sand.
No policy of joint agreement there and that is exactly the situation where you do not want to go.

You want her to experience joy when she hears your car in the driveway, not dread...

The policy of joint agreement means finding solutions that suit you BOTH. It is not either/or based on whose home it was. When you get married, it is the home of both of you and you should negotiate agreements that suit you both.

I just wanted to point out that the desires of both spouses are equally important so the whys don't need to be discussed. What is important is finding a third alternative that will suit them BOTH.

My husband is extremely tidy to the point where he is almost OCD. I am the opposite, like your intended and I moved into his place. We have made it work very well indeed. He is more relaxed and happier with everything not perfect and I am just delighted that I can open the front door and see a calm, organised house.

Our negotiation ('third alternative') involved him giving me tons of storage space so that everything of mine could be put away. We gave boxes and boxes of his old stuff to the charity shop. He liked that too.

The place where he is most particular is in the kitchen. The solution we negotiated there is that I cook and he cleans up. We are both very happy with that. I walk the dog instead.