Hi everyone,
I warn you in advance, I tend to be wordy
....but I will try to be as succinct as possible.
I found out about my husband's affair of 8 months on August 17th. I had known he was "off" a bit as he had been hiding his phone for months and was more distant, but figured it was porn. As I was in the middle of finishing up a graduate degree, had a newly diagnosed child with Type 1 diabetes, and was finishing up the school year (I am a teacher), I figured I would deal with the porn issue with him eventually if he didn't stop on his own (yes, I should have snooped more, but I just didn't have the mental energy and it honestly never crossed my mind he was cheating).
In June and July he had started to act sad from time to time, telling me he didn't deserve me. Mid July he broke down in the shower with me (we had a "loving" relationship...still made love 1-3 times a week...wasn't earth shaking, but it was together time...still said we loved each other...still friendly, again, my spidey sense were not off other than he appeared a bit distant). When he started crying in the shower he was sobbing...saying he was a horrible person and that I deserved so much better. He had recently gone through a job loss, I associated it with that....hugged him, said I loved him, said we would get through this. He only cried harder.
On D-Day, I had gotten up to get a water...he had been sleeping on the couch for months as our crummy mattress hurt his back. I told him hi and he threw his phone in the couch. I got a water, sat down beside him, and asked him to tell me. Again, I thought it was porn. Sobbing, he told me in spurts that he'd had an affair for 8 months with someone he had met through his stupid online game (he was a gamer....had been for 8 years)...they had been having sexting/phone sex/exchanged pics and videos. Had talked about meeting multiple times (she lives 3 states away). He asked what he could do or if I was done. He said he was lonely (gag) and begged me to say what he could do.
He has gone to marriage counseling and individual counseling with our pastor. Goes to church (he had only gone sporadically in the last few years). Deleted his game and the line chat that he used that night. Sent a new contact text in front of me. Changed his phone number and his email. Dumped all social media. Gave me his passwords to everything. Gives me his phone any time I ask to look at.
I deliberately had him leave a facebook account open to see if she contacted him. After cyber stalking me (I blocked her and reported her many times)...she found that account and started chewing him out for "acting like she wasn't even a person, how dare he, he was her best friend and now he won't even talk to her)...so I know he's not contacting her right now. I was the one that found these messages as he no longer accessed social media and I was the one monitoring his account.
But....he refuses to complete exposure. Our pastor knows, our oldest son knows, my best friend knows, but that's it. Says he will not, it's too embarassing, it will get to our families, yada yada. Full disclosure: we live in a small town that gossip is a past time in. I teach, so our family is a hot commodity to talk about if there is a hint of anything juicy to discuss. My parents, especially my mom, have never truly liked him (cheating aside, he hasn't been a horrible husband, and he's been a good dad....they just never liked him as he wasn't their choice, I was the oldest child and got married in college and that was not on their plan
). He says that he doesn't want to expose because it will get back to my parents (who live 6 hours away), and they will never forgive him.
He also is not the one reading the books, searching the websites, etc. He says that he and I and his cheating are different than anyone else's, so there's no point in learning from other people (I know, I know, that's what they all say). He says he does counseling with me and our pastor, he will go more often if I want, and we pray every day and that's all we need to be doing.
He HAS made positive changes....beyond the transparency with social media and cell phones and stuff, he completed the recreational check list, emotional needs checklist, and we are working on the love busters (he will read small devotionals with me, and do checklists...just not sit down and read a book or a website). He will discuss them with me. We have spent our 15 hours plus together each week. We play golf together, watch movies together, spend time talking and cuddling and making love..the physical aspect has been mind-blowing...so much better physically and emotionally than EVER in our marriage together...we pray together, which we have NEVER done in our 18 years of marriage. He is more involved with the kids, has taken bills and stuff off of my hands, is more involved in cooking and childcare....tells me he loves me, is physically affectionate in hugging and such...sends me texts 10 plus times a day telling me that he loves me, asking how I am, asking how school is going, telling me I rock
(I am a words of affirmation love language person...I also have affection as my highest emotional need....both of these are his lowest need/love language, so this IS stepping outside of his box).
How badly should I worry about exposure? How badly do I need to worry that I am leading the charge with marriage books and websites?
Thank you in advance for reading this novel.
