I�m 53, married to my second wife for two years now. My first marriage ended amicably 11 years ago, we had grown apart and recognized it. There were no hard feelings between myself and my ex-wife, we remained friendly when it came to sharing joint custody and raising our son.

My second wife and I met at a volunteer event at our church about four years ago. She was new to the area, having moved here for work and wanting a fresh start after divorcing. She has no kids of her own. We dated for two years before getting married. During that time, my son gave her a hard time. He was cold, dismissive of her and really had no interest in getting to know her. He was living with me since his college was closer to me than to his mother�s house. At the time, my now wife was uncomfortable staying at my home because of my son�s cold attitude, but she would spend two or three nights a week to make me happy.

Last week, my wife confessed to having sex with my son a few times when she started spending nights at my house almost three years ago. She said it happened when I was away for two weeks traveling for work. I remember asking her to stay at my house so my son wouldn�t be alone. She said she used the opportunity to confront him about his behavior and attitude towards her. He felt like she didn�t want me to spend time with him and that she was trying too hard to act like his mother. She said it was a very emotional discussion and a turning point in their relationship. She was happy that they cleared the air and he was willing to give her a chance. She can�t remember exactly when or how the line was crossed between them. They had sex several times over a few days until she woke up and realized what they were doing was horrible. My son agreed to keep it a secret and that he understood it was a terrible thing to do. I don�t entirely blame him, he was 20 at the time. My wife was the real adult and should�ve stopped anything from happening.

My wife decided to confess as she can�t live with the guilt and the lies anymore. It�s been eating away at her, she�s sought help through our church, being as vague as possible about her struggles.

I don�t know what to do, I love her very much and don�t want to lose her. I can see that she�s genuinely remorseful about what happened. My son has been very apologetic too, he cried and said he never meant to hurt me.

I�m lost.

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to hear about these events in your marriage.

We had a case on the board that was rather like yours. Please read this thread and understand the gist of our advice. Double betrayed.

You can choose to reconcile with your wife if you want to, but she breached an unacceptable boundary and is clearly not suited to marriage. This is quasi-incestuous behaviour on both their parts. And your son was an adult; he was not a child being abused by an adult who took advantage of him. If he did not know right from wrong by the age of 20, he faces an intimate relationship with a prison cell at some time in the future. Since he felt that "she was trying too hard to act like his mother", was this his way of putting paid to that pretence?

I've just re-read this. So this happened at least a year before you were married - and she married you anyway?

As we asked the other poster, do you think she married you for your money?

Have you spoken to your son about these events? I take it they've seen each other since this happened - not least at your wedding. It's unlikely that their sexual relationship is over.

You have no good options because in order to recover from this, they cannot ever be together. They can never be together again because of the risk to your marriage. I don't see how you can possibly save this marriage and quite frankly, if my child did something so egregious to me, I would have nothing to with him.

I would also want to know if their relationship is really over.

This did happen before we got married. They�ve both said it was only a few times during the two weeks when I was traveling for work. My wife is very remorseful and willing to do whatever work it takes to save our marriage. Part of her motivation for telling me is she doesn�t think it�s fair that I live a lie.

It�s not a question of marrying me for my money, she earns more than I do and she owns her condo that she�s been renting out since she moved in with me. We signed a pre-nuptial, so there�s nothing for her to gain.

My son doesn�t live with us, he moved a few hours away for a job after graduating from college last year. He rarely visits and when he does visit, his girlfriend comes with him.

My son doesn�t know why he did this, he can�t articulate what happened that made it okay to have sex with her. He said he had resented her, but once they talked out their misunderstandings, he felt close to her and sex felt like a natural extension. They�ve both said it was mutual, neither was the aggressor. When I asked if he felt any guilt, he said no because he wasn�t trying to ruin our relationship or take anything from me. He admits that he was lonely at the time and overwhelmed with school, so she was a distraction and comfort.

I find his reasoning downright frightening, as if having sex with his dad's girlfriend was no more significant than sweeping the back porch. The issue you have is that this is likely to happen again if they are around each other again. That's if it ever stopped.


Does he know his actions ruined your relationship? His cavalier attitude should concern you.

Looking back at your first post, I don't see a question. Do you have a specific question?

My question is what steps do I take to save my marriage. I don�t want to divorce.

Are you willing for you and your wife never to see, or have any form of contact with, your son, ever again? That's the most significant of many steps that would need to be taken.