Hello,

I hate that I'm here, but am struggling with how to move forward based on our situation. 5 years ago I found out my wife was secretly texting another man. It never became physical and she denies any real emotional attachment, but admitted that the deception was a betrayal in itself. We went through marriage counseling with a Christian therapist, and I felt came out with a better relationship than ever before.

Fast forward to earlier this year and I started to get that same uneasy feeling that something was going on. Being distant, changing passwords, guarding her phone, etc. I confronted the wife several times, never with any proof, and she always denied it and started to make me feel crazy for not trusting her. This went on for 7 months. 3 weeks ago, I came home early from work to surprise her with flowers and found her screwing this same coworker on the couch in my home.

She hasn't been emotional at all, not about me catching her at least. She's pretty broken up that the OM dropped her once I outed them to his wife. Think wife is still mad that I told on them. She's gone back to our same marriage counselor twice now and they have invited me for a couples session next time she goes. I'm planning on going, but it's not for a couple weeks. The other man is gone as he's chasing his wife to save his marriage. My wife has basically blamed me for everything. Said all the accusations that I made pushed her into doing it. I know she hasn't been completely honest about the timeline of the affair, and have told her that there is no path forward that doesn't include her coming clean. That I need that info so I can know we are starting from a clean slate. Two of her friends knew it was going the whole time, and she has since revealed it to another Christian coworker. By revealing I mean telling her all of my sins and past issues and admitting only to an emotional affair. So basically exposing all of my sins and hiding hers. Not sure if she's told anyone else. I asked her if she had and she said she hadn't. I asked her to not tell anyone else about it until she is prepared to tell the whole truth. She agreed that what she did wasn't fair and she wouldn't do it again. I exposed it to my sister and her best friend since they were kids. We haven't told the kids yet, or the parents. She is completely against this. We'll find out more at the counseling session as it was our counselor who recommended the book by Dr. Harley.

I'm fairly certain that if the OM changed his mind and wanted my wife, she might just go with him. I don't know that for sure, but there has been such a lack of emotion toward me that I feel like she's already considered our marriage dead and over so she could justify her tryst with him. I honestly believe we are in the "I love him, but not in love with him" space. We have 4 kids and I don't want them to have to live through a divorce. I don't believe in divorce. I don't want a divorce. I still love my wife. But now I'm starting to realize she may agree to go forward, but never truly commit to the process of rebuilding our relationship. I've spent the last 3 weeks doing everything I could to let her know I'm still in love with her and want her to pick us/me. She has gone to church with us twice, but sits there stone faced and just looks like she wants to be anywhere else. I'm most surprised with the lack of emotion. She has been to the Dr who upped her anxiety meds that she started taking shortly after becoming sexual with the OM. I don't know how good those meds are at dulling guilt, but I wonder if that's why she's taking them. She's never had anxiety issues prior to all this.


Here's my question. I know that I hold much of the blame for letting our marriage get where it is. I could have done so much better as a husband and father. I want to be a better husband, father and man. I've been working on that for the past 6 months when I noticed her distancing herself from me. She was so deep into her affair, that she didn't even notice my attempts. I also know that a few months� worth of changes can't make up for years of built up resentment. I just don't know how much longer I can keep fighting for her if she's not even willing to be honest with me about the past or to commit to trying to rebuild our marriage. How long do I keep fighting before I'm just being a chump that is destined to be cheated on again? It's been 3 weeks and I'm still convinced I want to save our marriage, but what happens when that feeling fades. How long do I keep trying before I'm just damaging my own self-worth?

I pray for her every night that God will soften her heart and make her feel the love I have for her, to take away the feelings for this other man and to help her remember some of the good times we had together. Right now she claims she can't remember any. Most of all I pray that she can find happiness again. I beg Him for that to be with me. I love this woman, I always have. I just struggle with the feeling that I might be setting myself up to be crushed.

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to hear of these events inner marriage.

How far has he gone?

I'm sorry to say that I don't believe OM is out of your wife's life. The chances are that he's working hard to appease his wife, but that he and your wife are still in touch.

Tell us what you know about their affair. Who is he to her - a co-worker? Old boyfriend? How far does he live from you? How did they maintain contact - by mobile phone? Have you any way of knowing that they are not in contact right now?

I am sorry you are here, but it is very likely the affair is still active. She has all the behaviors of an ongoing affair. If you even live close to the OM, it would cause an on again, off again affair for years.

There are a lot of big misses here, such as your not exposing the affair and not moving, but the first thing you can do is STOP ASKING and start snooping. Once you have the facts, we can help you with next steps. I will warn you that this won't be easy because I suspect it has gone on for many years.

I would start by putting a GPS on her car, spyware on her phone [you can turn on location sharing secretly if she has an iphone], set up a VAR and a small camera in any place you think you might see something. Is the OM coming to your home?