Hello everyone,

I feel that I've had a pretty decent marriage. I have four children with my wife. We are 32 and 31 years old. However, lately I have felt that my wife is chosing her Father over me. I'll give you some instances: My wife has done a good job waking me up and spending some time with me letting me have her presence but here lately she sends in our kids to wake me up (I love them but they aren't always the nicest lol when they jump on you in a deep sleep). When I do manage to get up her father is chatting with her and she is chatting with him. She does not acknowledge my presence unless I say hi.

Before her father she would very much get up to spend a bit of time with me before we do our family domestic responsibilities. She always asked me if it was ok to do something that might require a two person answer like buying certain purchases -- She let her father use my minivan without asking me first. He's not in the best of health and he might of crashed the vehicle. We only have one right now.

I can come home from church and instead of her wanting to dish up conversation with me she is usually wanting to talk to her father instead... watch movies or shows that she thinks he would enjoy.

Before her father came my oldest daughter and I was working on a project to write a Pen Pal letter to her friend Moriah. I was very ecstatic to help her. We had it all worked out.... then I went to work because we ran out of time and then found out that Grandpa finished the letter for her and they mailed it. I didn't even get to read the final product..... Ouch.

As a result, I have withdrawn considerably. I have nicely told her without using any love busters that I feel that I've turned into the low priority. He's turning into the man of the house in many aspects I feel.

Tonight she gave me like a few minutes of holding my hand and then fell asleep. I think its inconsiderate of our time together.

The reason why her father is with us is he is on disability and is now homeless due to a bad heart. He can't hold a job and at the moment can't produce much of an income. I was very much on board with him coming over as long as he took the steps necessary to become independent again. However, seeing that I get the leftover attention of the day is making me numb and resentful.

She says she is happy with the marriage and I was, too before her father encroached. I sort of don't know what to do. I can't be at the bottom of the totem pole like this..

Revvy welcome to MB! That�s quite a change you�re experiencing, but I think you�ll like the MB answer to feeling neglected, 4 4 hour dates a week. Is your FiL (father in law) well enough to babysit so you and your wife can get out together? Have you read the Basic Concepts yet? I encourage you to focus on the one for thoughtful requests. MB is really great if you�re ready to read up and swap out behaviors yourself. But you would get very frustrated here if you think that things are supposed to change because you believe you are entitled to get your way.

Hi revvy, welcome to Marriage Builders. The purpose of the forum is to teach posters how to solve problems in their marriage using these concepts. In your case, I would refer you to the policy of joint agreement: The Policy of Joint Agreement which is "Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse." It sounds like you had agreed to take her father in while he gains independence. According the policy of joint agreement when one spouse changes his/her mind, the agreement should be re-negotiated to find a decision about which you are both enthusiastic. Since you are not happy with this agreement [and most spouses would not be] another arrangement should be made for him. It might take some time to get him re-situated, but in the meantime, you can do things to make the current situation better, such as negotiating decisions. [his use of the car, for example] Another great idea is to start getting out on 4 dates per week, using Grandpa as a baby sitter.

Before you start on this process, you should fully understand how the policy of joint [POJA] agreement works. The goal of the POJA is to find solutions that suit you both. It is win/win, not win/lose or "compromise." Most couples approach this with a black/white idea of what they want and then they compete to see who wins. That is bad for the marriage because one spouse always loses. This is how incompatibility is created. The POJA calls for a 3rd option, a solution that you BOTH desire. All pre-formed ideas should be put aside in favor of one that suits you both.


She may not like doing this, though. If she doesn't like doing it, you shouldn't demand it. Have you asked her why she has stopped doing it? I would caution you about trying to make her feel guilty about not doing it. If she continued to do this when she doesn't want to, it will be bad for your marriage because it will cause resentment and eventually incompatibility.

In addition to the link I posted above, I would read through the Basic Concepts. here

Thank you for the replies.

My wife and I have made more attempts to spend quality time, affection, and eliminate love buster's since my original post. It has helped much. It is not easy to change the family dynamic. Sex has been difficult but do hope to do that again soon usually been able to do once a week (have a cold drafty house). I also feel my hormones are all over the place.

In regards to my FIL: My wife and I have agreed that before he uses the vehicle that my wife and I talk about it first. We have so far kept this agreement. Also, have advanced the process of him getting food stamps, SSD to come in April, he will help with utilities, and food. He also knows that all home decisions will be discussed with my wife and I. He plans to move out around Spring when his SSD kicks in. At times I have felt like the third wheel but it's starting to go away knowing boundariesrules are in place.

We have gone on a date finally. It was nice. However, I have to wait until I land a day shift job to go on more dates. I work 12 hour overnights. I feel this is one way we haven't been as close is we are on total different schedules. I miss being in bed with my wife. I had a interview for a day shift job yesterday and expect that transition in the next couple weeks.

As for her walking me up. She has done it more but I don't expect her to do it like I was. I think it's because I felt my quality time dropped with her that I freaked out she wasn't hanging out with me as much.

You are absolutely right about the effect of the night shift. They are a disaster to marriages. It's like living a parallel life and rarely coming together. Glad you are changing this!

In the meantime, I would strongly suggest you don't cut corners on the dates. It will take a radical change in your habits to restore the romantic love in your marriage. Sit down and schedule 4 - 4 hour dates a week with your wife.

MelodyLane:

I have another question. Is there such a thing as too much affection? I read Dr. H's needs book. I sometimes think maybe I'm too smothering at times? Or maybe it will take some time for her to start liking me again? She does state I seem like a changed man for the better.

It will take some time after you a) start spending 15+ hrs and b) get back on the day shift for her to feel emotionally attached to you.