My wife had an EA possible PA in 2006, PA never proven. Long story short, we healed and moved on. Lots of life changes since then. Today we seem to be doing ok however I've never had a more profound sense of loneliness than I do now. The emotional ties that I have with her are lately burdened by this uneasy/ill-at-ease feeling that I can't describe. Also I can't shake the suspicion that my wife is up to something .. what I don't know.. I have proof of nothing. I know that if she wanted to sneak and do things covertly she's probably learned lessons from the first go-round thereby being more practiced in the art of stealth and misdirection � I'm constantly wondering if I'm paranoid or crazy. Our sex life is lack luster and has been for years. The only great sex that we've had in a while is when she drank too much a few months ago .. this was after an argument over money. I have major trust issues with her after I noticed she was transferring money out of one bank account to another without talking to me first. I confronted her about it and she said she needed the money and said she thought I would get mad if she asked me for it. I have wild suspicions that she's having her sexual needs met elsewhere but again I have no proof. I'm not new to all of this as I was here all those years ago .. I'm back again

Welcome back to MB. I'm sorry to hear of these events in your marriage. What was your posting name when you were here before?

Please tell us the details of the previous affair. How long did it last? How did she meet the man - at work? An old boyfriend, or a neighbour? How did you find out about it, and how did you know for sure that it ended?

You must know that you need to get proof if you are to move forward. If your wife is involved with someone else, it must be traceable. If you think she is hiding all her electronic communications, the best way to see how she spends her time is to hire a private investigator.

I'm brand new to this board myself, but can second SugarCane's idea about a PI. I had the inclination to do it months ago and just never pulled the trigger. I'm confident he would have found in 2 days what it took me 7 months to discover...

Save yourself the speculation and stress and either hire a short term PI or look at the section on this forum where you can do a lot of this �behind the scenes� work yourself.

Even if she is wise of some of the tactics she will slip up.

If she is involved with someone else; she at times is thinking irrational based off emotions which gives you the advantage in catching her slip ups.

Still mulling a decision of whether or not to buy spy stuff or hire a PI. There is definitely something 'off' I can't place it.
Little things that are said or done to resurrect feelings of being punched in the gut.

Something I experienced 13 years ago .. small and subtle belittlements .. I can sense that she's trying very hard to be nice and pleasant but she slips. Mentally chalking this up to misdirection and putting up a false front. Sometimes I sense overcompensation and as a result I perceive that she's being overtly friendly --- my instincts tell me it's forced but I struggle with this. Then the subtle jibes and insults come or disrespectful judgments. Nothing horrible however they're trending up. They're unprovoked. The sarcastic quips seem to be coming more frequently now. I question my state of mind and wonder if it's just paranoia. My level of discomfort is increasing in this regard. Find myself not wanting to 'be myself' around her as it may leave an opportunity open for a sarcastic remark.

We had a blow out. I lamented the fact that she's always on her phone .. either scrolling Facebook or playing some emoji game. Literally all her time, if she's not doing domestic stuff, is spent on her phone. We argued about it. I told her I was lonely. I told her she spends too much time on her phone. I told her our relationship is lacking any meaningful conversation other than schedules, logistics, finances, and her diet progression..how many pounds she's lost etc. We started Keto together at the beginning of the year. She apologized and to my disappointment switched to reading her romance books on a kindle instead. Needless to say -- this wasn't the response I was looking for.

SF is one extreme or the other. One weekend I expressed interest -- was met with a sigh, groan, and "ok come on-get it done" type of response. When she said this I just said "wow." and kind of desperately laughed in amazement. I got the impression she revealed something by responding this way, the next weekend it was the opposite extreme...like her general demeanor mentioned above -- it seemed like an over compensation.

Making more plans on her own.. independently then letting me know on the run up that plans have been made. A month ago she planned a sister weekend. Her and Sister went to the coast for a beach weekend. There's pics so I know she was with her sister .. but they went to a bar and had several drinks. Doesn't sit well. Another one being planned a few months out .. not a vacation but something with her sisters job.. initially she said she was planning just on going alone but as she's telling she added 'you can come too..' It's 4 hours away.

Need some advice. Should I take action or could this just be the fact that we're in our early 40's with 3 kids -- and for some reason she's genuinely lost respect for me?

Can you afford a PI? They usually can get the information within a couple of days.

Why not find out what is going on? You can't solve your marriage issues if she is having an affair. You need to know what is going on.

But we gave you advice when you were here before. You never even acknowledged it. You posted once and disappeared. And now you're here again giving descriptions of behaviour that point firmly to an affair and asking for advice.

Our advice is the same as it was six months ago. Blogging about your wife's behaviour won't achieve anything. Only taking action will do that.

Ok, we can't help you if you won't take the advice we give. We told you to spy on her. It helps nothing to come here and blog. It just indicates that your objective is not to save your marriage but to avoid conflict at all cost. Well, that COST is your marriage if you refuse to get up and do something about this.

I genuinely cannot understand how there can be a dilemma here.

You're posing this as a conflict between, in the light of your suspicions, whether to spy on her or whether not to. That's not even a genuine conflict. The question you are really posing is whether to find out if your wife is having an affair, or to do nothing and live with her odd behaviour and your suspicions. If it's "just...the fact that we're in our early 40's with 3 kids"... how will you ever know if you do nothing? Will people posting on a message board saying "yes, it could be that fact" mean that it is so?

Whereas taking action to spy on her by one means or another (digital technology or hiring a PI) will give you a conclusive answer about an affair.

Doing nothing will leave you exactly where you've been for the past six months. Does that seem like a real choice, to you?

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