I was sent here by a coworker's father who had great things to say about the material on this site and program. So I have been trying to get up to speed all morning. Not really sure where to start so I guess I will lead off with some background info.

My wife(31) and I(33) have been married for 11 years and a little over 10 years ago things suddenly changed and all I could feel was distance from her. A few weeks later right after sex I got the I love you but am not in love with you line and she left for her coworker. I called everyone of her family members and friends and let them know just what she was up to. Two months later she calls me at work and wants to talk. I had a ton a questions so I said yes and we meet up. She leads out with something I thought neither would ever have to deal with... I am pregnant and I don't know who the father is, but I want to fix things with us. I talk with my parents and Pastor and decide that the best course of action would be to take her in and look after her until the baby is born and we can sort out the paternity as she had been basically sleeping on friend's couches as the OM lived at home with his parents. Well over the course of the next 7 months we things started to get better for us and by the time the baby was born our relationship was the best it had ever been and I decide to stay with her and not take a paternity test.

A couple of other points before I get to the problem at hand. First- Mental health issues run in her family and I/We know she suffers from depression. She went to see a councilor once but came back and said the guy was a creep but did get some anti-depression meds. Second- Our relationship seems to be better when she needs me. For example while she was pregnant or recently she quit her job(teacher) due to stress and took another job(teacher aide at another school) making half as much money. Third- She can not take any type of criticism from anybody. She has ended friendship over trivial comments they have made about her.

So a week ago we got into a fight and I new I should have just left the room and let us cool down but I didn't. I began to call her out on her lack of involvement in the marriage and me as the last three months she has been getting more distant and more depressed and stressed at her new job that she started this school year. Unfortunately this fight was rehashed out again the next night. I imagine that this fight was about topics a lot of people dislike about their marriage. The husband not helping out enough and not being appreciative and the wife not showing any level of intimacy during intimate moments. So I get home from work and I get told that she has no feelings for me (positive or Negative), we are nothing more than roommates and I would be happier with a new wife and just to leave her live alone. So for the last 5 days I have been trying what this site call plan A(?). I have been doing all the cooking, cleaning, household chores, and talking care of the kids. She claims to always have homework for her master's degree in Special Education so she is always somewhere in the house with her laptop headphones and cell phone pretty much avoiding me. Over the weekend we had a great Saturday and I was hopeful, but on Sunday morning she offered sex if I would give her sometime alone. As soon as we started just began to cry and would not look at me- head to the side with her eyes closed. It was almost like I was raping her so I asked her if I should stop and she said no just hurry. Yesterday she told me that I need to stop smothering her and I should stop doing all the chores around the house. So currently she totally ignores any communication while at work and at home she tries to act as mad/busy/uninterested/ everything else along those lines. If i go in for a kiss/hug she will give it but you can tell she doesn't want to. I know I have been asking too many "Why" questions and pleading with her not to break up our family. That can't seem sexy and help with my plan A. I try to ask her to go do things with me and the kids but she always has an excuse. I am leaning that this is mixture of love busters over time with depression added in there but I wouldn't rule out the possibility of another affair.

So I guess my questions are.

What do you guys make of this situation?
What does a successful Plan A look like?
What kind of space should I give her?
Maybe it has been too long with kids in the house but I have no idea on activities to get our UA time, what are some good options?
If i can't get her to agree on UA time would family activities be better than us all just at home?
Should I make her do things that I know she doesn't want to do - I know sex is off the table but what about hugs/kisses? I am not sure if they are adding or subtracting to her love bank but they make me feel better

Hi Matt, welcome to Marrriage Builders. A couple of questions. How many kids and what are their ages? Has she cut off all contact with the OM? [the affair was 10 years ago?] Could she be having another affair?

Melody,

2 kids 9 and 7. To the best of my knowledge there has not been any contact with OM for 10+ years and the last I knew he had moved across the country. At the time I had spy programs on all our computers and phones but that is not the case anymore all these years later. I am not 100% sure about any ongoing affairs. I am trying to collect all our devices and and get spy programs on them. I would lean to saying probably not but as I was typing my original post it hit me that if this wasn't my story that an affair would be the first thing i would guess.

It may not be an affair, but I wanted to ask about the OM. It sounds to me like she has completely checked out but that can be changed. I would familiarize yourself with this program and sell it to her. It is in her best interest to have a great marriage. A good book for this situation is Fall in Love, Stay in Love.

In the meantime, I would stop all fighting and stop pressuring her for sex. Doing so will create an aversion and it sounds like she may be there already. It will take a while to turn this around, but you can do it. I would start with a few of these articles:

How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

I will read those here when I get a second. Also on aversion, she was initiating sex a right up to her roommate comment and she was the one who initiated after it as well. Although it did feel like she was trying to get me out her space so she could do something else. Does aversion come on so quickly and would she still initiate an activity that she has an emotional aversion to unless she had other motives for it? If the articles would answer those questions then I am sorry I asked them before reading.

I guess until this morning i never really put an serious thought into her having another affair but now I can't let it go.I pulled out her laptop and tried to do some snooping but all of her installed browser had zero history in them and she is on it all the time. Are they are good free keyloggers to monitor her laptop? i have been thinking about some of the stuff she was doing in her first affair and if she was doing it again and this is what matched.
-She has been spending more and more time at work but she is a teacher so that is kinda normal to have to spend extra time there. She did start at a new school district and was a late hire so I know she had a lot of catching up to do.
-She is always on some device phone/tablet/laptop and her phone is never out of her sight and does not want me around while she is on them.
-She has stopped wanting to talk about plans for the holidays or vacation for Sping Break.
-Claims our marriage has never been good or happy.

Pair this with the roommates line and the deleted internet history and I am really wondering if something is not happening at work.

So, the first thing you should do is some super sleuthing to see if she is having an affair.

Well I have been monitoring her electronic life the last week and have found nothing of significance. I have moved all of my focus to preventing any love busters, convince her to UA time, and to being a better husband. She has been pretty reluctant of the date nights but we have got a few in and it has been nice but like I said she has been reluctant and not 100 percent participating. I get the vibe that she thinks this is a lost cause so why try. I am trying to do things that we used to enjoy but she just seems so uninterested. Of course this is much better then when we are at home and she tries to avoid me like the plague. She is fairly willing to do family activities so I am trying to use that as a springboard to show her that it is not a lost cause and to spend more 1 on 1 time with me.

How have you been monitoring her electronic life? Which devices? With what?
Also, how have you checked up on her at work?
Don't rule out an affair just yet.