This is my first post and I need to know if it should be my last. I am the 'OW' in untallnikba and 2soulmates marriage. I know that they find strength and encouragement thru the responses to their postings and I don't want to stand in the way of that (this is honest and it comes from my heart). They have made a commitment to rebuild their marriage and I have done the same. My question is "Where do I go from here?". <P>I found the strength to tell my husband about the affair by reading "Coping with Infidelity, Part 2: How Should Affairs End". Now I have no idea where to go from here. I just said 'goodbye' to my OM yesterday and the pain and emptiness is so strong in my heart and I wonder if that will ever go away. <BR>My husband and I have made a dedication to eachother to try and rebuild our marriage but I wonder because I have so many feelings inside of me. If you can help - please respond.<P>C. <P>

You're in the right place, but I wonder if it's gonna cauz friction because the other players are also here. And don't you think it will hurt YOU even more to read about what he's doing in his marriage? I know I would not be able to take that.<P>If you wanna stay, maybe wait a period of time and re-register under a new name and don't be so specific. At any rate, I am a betrayer too and understand your feelings totally. Holly is another good one to talk with and so is Hummingbird. WE all know about that withdrawal from the OM.<P>God bless.<p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited November 12, 1999).]

Respect their wishes to make their marriage work. No personal contact WHATSOEVER. I understand you have to have some sort of business contact, and that is unfortunate. But if you MUST talk, no, “My H doesn’t understand...” or anything like that.<P>No meeting ANY of his Emotional Needs. Just leave that to his WIFE.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited November 12, 1999).]

Perhaps the two married persons would be so kind as to tell you how they feel about you being here? If so, then welcome. If not, there are other forums you can visit for help if they are more comfortable. This is all about healing and if all 3 of you can be here to do this, then great. <BR>I do not agree that deception (reregistering/new name) is in order at all. Healing is about honesty, communication, meeting needs, etc....and there is no place for dishonesty if one truly is searching for peace.<BR>Please do allow them a chance to mend the marriage, just as they are allowing you a chance to heal your pain. en paz, cl

I am only here to say this....I am not going to make a statement regarding what I feel about you being here. This is because I dont want it to come from the "wrong place" inside. I think that there are very good and caring people here, with alot of excellent advice. Enough said.<P>------------------<BR>We stumble and fall sometimes, and that hurts. But it is the most incredible realization when you look and see that it was your spouse that picked you back up......<P>Take care of and Love each other.....Arik<P><BR>

Happens4Areason<P>If you wanna e-mail me you can.<P>maya_bryan@hotmail.com

I can't say that I feel entirely comfortable with it. I think a mutual agreement to not read each other's postings may help. I think that we need that kind of space to work on our marriage and so do you. I will say now that I will not read anymore of your postings.<BR>There is a lot of good solid advice and support here.<P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<P>

I don't think anybody will mind, nor do they have a right to. It's a free forum after all. If you meet people here and find them helpful, then carry on. If someone is unhelpful to you, ignore them.<P>You need to do what is right for you and your own marriage and/or life. untallnikba and 2soulmates are big people and they can look after themselves.

Happens:<P>Frankly, I think it's a poor idea because any reading you or "2soulmates" do on each other's posts is a violation of the no contact rule. So hanging out at the forum is going to be a constant temptation.<P>I would suggest to you that you and your husband seek counseling with Steve Harley immediately. Steve is Dr. Harley's son, and he does the Marriage Builder's telephone counseling. It's extrememly effective, reasonably priced, and convenient (I did it myself for nearly a year).<P>That advice would go to untallnikba and 2soulmates as well. You're better off getting Steve's advice directly, as opposed to sifting through posts here at Marriage Builders (not that this forum isn't helpful).

Happens: I agree with K here. I would have no problem with my W posting here, but I would have a big time problem with OM posting. Why? Because here we discuss and reveal what we need, and for the OP to be privy to that would invite another "episode" especially during withdrawl. Good Luck<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

You are a much better person then I am if you can be on this forum with all of the baggage all of you are carrying. Yes, its a free world but do you really want to set yourself up for potential hurt? I know if this was my situation I wouldn't want anything to do with exposure to the feelings of so volitale a situation. After all the 3 people involved are mere flesh and blood and what you are expecting is out of this world.<BR>I am afraid that curiosity will get the best out of you. Just my opinion in terms of putting myself in your shoes. Besides there are too many sides to the story and I would think frustration would set in trying to express yourself. Enough said!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

Hi Happens4AReason -<P>I completely agree with K - this is CONTACT.....intimate thoughts from all sides. Not good!!! It's like taking counseling sessions together!!!<P>I don't think that works too well.<P>You and your husband need to benefit from Dr. H's information also...may I reiterate Ks advice of calling him and also read all the concepts on this site.<P>But as far as posting...and this is my opinion only and involves nothing personal whatsoever...it's a very bad idea and they were here first. <P>Don't yell at me people....I know that sounds adolescent if you choose to look at it that way....<P>THE BIGGEST GOAL here is to HELP rebuild marriages.....I see know advantage to either couple with this intertwined interactions...<P>All parties would be completely inhibited and would spend too much of their thoughts on who read what and what they think......<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Had you been anonymous, then you could have been here. But now <B>he knows who you are</B> and <B>she knows who you are</B> and <B>you know who they are</B>. <P>Nope. I don't think so. <P>By the way, you sound sincere, and I don't doubt your desire to make your marriage work. But the fact remains: this is contact. And frankly, almost worse because his W has to sit here and read what you and he write. Yuk. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I know you are hurting...but, reading posts from the OM and his wife are only going to hurt you further.<P>It's difficult to let go and by posting on the board you are still remaining in contact with him.<P>There are so many helpful people on the board here...but, I think it would only be useful to you to post about your withdrawal and not read any of 2soulmates posts. That will be nearly impossible. <P>If you can be strong and not read any of 2soulmates posts, I say stay...if you can't then you will NEVER be able to get over him...you will only be hurting yourself.

H4AR:<P>Don't know if you're still lurking or not, but I think Maya's advice was pretty good. This forum is for all, and you could probably gain a lot from it. BUT SOMETIMES, like THIS time, honesty ISN'T the best policy. It's just cruelty. (Sorry, Dr. H!) If you continue to post as H4AR, after saying you were the OW in Untall and 2souls' marriage, then the forum becomes less 'safe' for them, and you too. (Read back for reactions to Mia's posts, after admitting to being the OW in TL's marriage.)<P>So, IMHO, take a break, and come back here with a different ID, and stay anonymous, at least as far as this forum's concerned.<P>Caio.<BR>Doug<P>"You don't even know who I am<BR>You left me a long time ago<BR>You don't even know who I am<BR>So what do you care if I go..."

Happens<P>Change your id, change your thought process and come back for advice as a betrayer trying to fix her marriage and not as OW.<BR> You could have come here first before 2S, and as a betrayer you would be offered help. <P>This is the best place for those who wish to fix their marriage. Very often the OW/OM is someone elses SO. You and your H deserve a chance to fix your marriage.<BR> <BR>Betrayers need help too. However if you want to continue as OW there is a board for you elsewhere. Even if you don't want to post think of yourself as your H's wife not 2S OW and give your marriage a chance.<P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn

Hi to H4AR: I agree that this is NOT the best forum for you, under the circumstances. I know that, if the OW in my H's affair were to post here and be able to read my opinions,etc., that I would hold back and not be as free in speaking my mind and heart. I'd also probably not be as nice to you as untall has been! She seems like a very gracious, lady to even accept the possibility of your being on this site! So, I'd have to agree with the otehrs who suggest that you find another forum for your own healing. I don't even like the idea of you reposting under a different ID. That would still not be honest or fair to the other two parties involved. Oh, one more thing. I do admire you for having the courage to tell your own H about the affair. It sounds like you didn't have to do that, but you chose to be honest. That means quite a lot, and it shows good faith on your part that you are sorry for the affair and the part that you played in causing heartache and grief not only to the OM and his W, but also to yourself and your H. Godd luck in rebuilding your own marriage!

I agree with everyone on this situation. Everyone including H4AR. The hardest thing in my relationship is I understand how my wife feels and at some level I understand how the OM feels.<P>But I have to agree with the people that while you being here is necessary for your healing it will restrict 2SM and Untallinikba's <P>NOw I have a question for the rest of the forum. Do any of you know a forum that is out there that Happens might want to look at. <P>as far as coming back as another name. That one depends on you Happens. Are you strong enoogh to take part in this forum and open discussion and not even sub-consciously try and sway 2SM or Un's decisions.<P>There is good you can do if you are honest and but unknown. Advice to Untall and encourage to 2SM.<P>How ever you decide search deep and do it for the right reasons. You'll feel better knowing you are doing it for the right reasons <P>Roy

I don't know if my input would make a difference since there is such conflicting things going on but I have to say how I feel. The thing is that I alway worry about weather the OW and her H are posting on this board because she had a way of finding out things about my H and I and using them to help her with the affair..... It would bother me as a person to have her here on this board, even though she's moved on in their life together as well (she just announced she's pregnant with twins!) I hear from her occassionally through my SIL who takes delight in making me feel slightly uncomfortable, she (SIL) doesn't realize how lucky her brother is that I am still here, because this thing with this OW would've never worked out as I see it. Anyhow, I don't think I would post on this board, I would find another one, and there are other ones out there!, to post on. Either way, God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>