Drop the house, you need to concentrate 100% on custody. You can replace a house but not time with your children. You should be pushing for full custody. The house will almost certainly need to be sold.

If your wife wants to settle without a trial, ask her to sit down with both you and your lawyer and hammer out a settlement to take to the judge. You will have the huge advantage of knowing her weaknesses and can really push this. Take careful notes at the meeting, let your lawyer do the talking (carefully briefed by you ahead of time of course). Then you draw up the agreement. If she backs out, the judge may give you this settlement anyway.

Lawyers have a horrible habit of running up bills by talking to the other side if you let them so don't let yours do that except when you are present.

Thank you living_well. Wow, great advice. I have told my lawyer that we should concentrate on custody. He keeps saying we need to send a stipulation that the house is going to be sold otherwise the house will be given to the sheriff to sell of which it wil have no value. I will tell him that we should not talk about the house unless the judge asks about it. Only custody.

Concerning settlement parenting with her is impossible. The settlement she wants now is 50/50 and no one pays child support. It is because she has been losing in court. At the same it is impossible to parent with her. She has made it very difficult to parent together.

Yes, my lawyer agreed that he wil not talk to her when I am not present. This piece of advice really really really helped. He even said she called and he did not answer. He will not call her back. He said he is not answering her emails. This is such a great relief. I am very happy.

Best of luck and let us know how it is going.

I will. The forum has been very helpful.

Update:

1. What should I do about the court case being dragged on forever and losing money and accumulating large debt? How do you survive this?
2. Should I give up on the marriage?
2. Also should I move on?
3. Also should I start dating?
4. I success the best revenge?

The court case is dragging. She has been dragging it. The trial started in Feb and since then it has not continued. she testified in Feb and has not done her testimony. She still has to continue. All the court dates since then have been taken by her bringing up useless stuff. I do not know why the judge, lawyers let this happen. December dates were cancelled because the father of the children's lawyer died. Now she will continue her testimony next year about a year after she paused.

What is this? Is this a way for lawyers to take money? The judge just shouts at her but does not do anything. It is horrible. I cannot take it. Why does the court let this happen when they see that I am suffering, the kids are suffering, etc.This system!!!! What can I do? My lawyer says it is gong fast but I do not see it that way. He says I am winning. In Feb it will be 4 years in court.

I do not feel like I do not want to be back with her after all what she has done in court and the lies she has brought in. She has bankrupted me and she wants to take me to death. How can I be with someone who has done and is doing this to me. 4 years of separation. There is no hope.

I have not dated anyone. Should I start dating? 4 years of holding someone's life is too long. Should I move on?

Should I work to succeed? Will she feel defeated or jealousy if I become successful after she has made me poor?

4 years of no affair exposure is also not helping me move on.

I also would like to expose the money stealing part, the violence abuse from her and the violence abuse from her mother, her brother and his wife acting as accomplices in the money theft receiving our funds from her into their bank accounts.

Cannot help with that one, no legal expertise here.
I remember dr Harley telling you that your chances of recovering the marriage were not so good anyway, even without an active affair. Do you still want recovery of the marriage?
What do you consider moving on? You should organize your life to make a good future for you and your children, wether or not she is in it. You can only control your part.
Do you want to expose because of revenge or because of recovery? Correct me if I'm wrong. My senses tell me you want revenge bad.
Better to focus on your life, carreer and how to be a good father and role model for your children. Focussing on revenge will not make you a pleasant person. Focussing on a good future might.

Do you ask when to start dating because you've met someone or because you feel lonely?

Thank you for the advice goody2shoes. This helps. I was not able to make decisions on my own.

Yes, Dr. said so. I am not sure if I want to recover it. I feel conflicted because of what she has put the kids and I through. It does not seem to make sense to recover it.


By moving on I meant to start thinking that there is no future with her - meaning no recovery of marriage. Thank you. Advice well taken. I will do so.



Not divorced. The court has not ended. To make myself feel better or spend life with - both or either. Really, financially I do not have something to offer. Any suggestions on what may qualify as something to offer? When people ask me and I tell them that I have not seen anyone since separation they get shocked. I have to say that I know who have dated before divorce has ended broke up, are breaking up or not having good relationships. I tell some the same advice I get here not to be involved with anyone before divorce has ended. Sometimes I feel like I am getting old or missing out.

OK, I will finish the divorce.


First it is to avoid isolation from friends as Dr, Harley had advised me. Right now I do not get calls or emails from friends or people I thought were good friends. I am isolated. Of course I want her to be accountable because she has lied to all friends, family, etc. Truly there is an element of wanting to stop her from lying and for the world to know the truth.

I will focus on the elements you mentioned.

I have not met anyone. I have not even looked for one. Sometimes I get a sex urge. Maybe I feel lonely - but I am not sure if I feel lonely. It is also feels like 4 years is too long.

Update:
I am having a hard time with this case because It is making me difficult to do any work or anything. It has held my life.
Any advice?

We are still in court. She keeps lying every time we appear in court. Some times they catch her. I have spent hundreds of thousands dollars.
I heard from an ex divorce attorney that NY divorce leaves people in hundreds of thousands of debt and that lawyers are there to take your money. At the same time she says stick to a lawyer since your case should be about to end. 4.5 years gone now. We do zoom court calls and she always brings lies. She still does not have a lawyer. I have told the my lawyer and the children's lawyer but they seem to be interested in money only but does not make her accountable and seem to be happy that the case is not ending. The court is not helping either.
Any advice?

WW and OM are commenting and liking each other's posts on Linkedin. OM is married.

Will exposure do anything to kill their affair after all these years and then I will be exposing after all these years(on divorce settlement? It is unsettling.

Hi WeirdSituation,

I read your original posts a couple of years ago and am sorry to hear this is still going on. After almost 4 years of these divorce proceedings and no change from her, this would seem to confirm Dr. Harley's earlier assessment that there is not much hope at this point. 4 years of separation does seem a long, long time, especially if the affair has also been going on for 4 years with the same OM during the separation.

Have you secured custody to the best of your ability? Can you ask your lawyer to wrap this entire proceeding up ASAP? You seem to be stuck and I do not see how you can move forward in your life until this is done and you are divorced. If there is any hope to rekindle your marriage, the same hope will there after divorce. But without finalizing the divorce you will remain stuck in limbo.

On exposing further at this late date, did you not already do a limited exposure to your/her family in the beginning? Do your kids know what is going on?

I have not secured custody yet. We are still in court. She keeps dragging the case with lies. I have asked my lawyer to wrap it up. He always says that "Cases in NYC take long, I have seen cases that go for 100 days. Our case is going fast." This is not what I see. This is sweet talk to rack up bills.

We also have a multifamily house and I do not know if the lawyer is after that for his benefit? Do you thunk lawyers are for selling houses to gain financially on their behalf?

I have told the children and my 2 siblings and 1 relative in talking but not with the exposure letter. This was before I discovered this forum. After I discovered it I put it on hold to follow the guidelines of exposure. I cannot wait to do the exposure. This wait is killing me. I do not know what exposure will do as she has been lying to all people in the last 4.5 years and has developed relationships with these people.

What will exposure to the truth do to her relationships?

What do you think exposure will accomplish at this point other than not being isolated further by friends who have already isolated me for these years?

Would I need these friends anyway?

It looks like there may not be any benefits for exposure. I do not know.
Any thoughts?

Anyone ever dealt or seen exposure after many years?

OM is married. His wife may not even care because she has been gas lighted all these years. What to do?

I have too many questions about my exposure because it is a unique situation.

I do not know what faith I should have in exposure at this point. Please help. My head is struggling massively with this.

...BTW, our son chipped his tooth again this week while he was in my custody. WW refused to give me the health insurance information of our son. I called the children's lawyer(she) who then called WW. WW refused to give the lawyer the info. The lawyer then wrote to the court stating that WW has refused to give father and her asking and asked for a conference call. We did the call the following day. The judge shouted at WW and there was a court order for her to give us the copies of insurance card but she has not. Instead she call our son to give him the insurance number only using him as an assistant

Basically she refuse to get our son treated by refusing to give us the info. After 3 days our son was finally treated.

WW also called for a conference call with the court saying that the daughter wants to spent more time with her. She told the judge she wanted to file a motion. She also said the children have said they do not want to be represented by the children's lawyer anymore. Ha! Manipulation, I think it is. She also said that the children do not want to live together. the judge shouted at her and dismissed her.

But who knows. She may file a motion for the daughter.

My divorce was in NY. It started in 2007 and was finalised in early 2012. NY is a 'family friendly' state meaning that the judges are not under pressure to complete cases. I found that it was very important to control the process, not let the lawyer make the decisions. In my case that meant I told him we should go for summary judgement which is something you might look into. Essentially you say that everything has been addressed so 'end it here'. If your soon to be ex does not have representation, on no account should she have contact with your lawyer unless you are present.


Lawyers are paid by the hour. If the divorce requires the house be sold then you will have to comply with that but the divorce lawyer will not be involved.


Didn't Dr Harley advise you to wait on exposure? If he did, maybe go back to him with this question.

Thank you. 5 years! NY. Wow! Somehow it was comforting hear that I am not the only one. Could you share or advice someone on what they can do during these five years or what you wish you could have done? Didn't it stop your life? How did you manage in life? Hobbies, career, etc. I am going to read your thread. Many people say you cannot move on with your life till divorce is done.

I will look into the summary judgement. What is summary judgement?

My lawyer is suggesting we sell the house and then he puts the proceeds from the house sale into his escrow account. I am thinking that if he sees that there is money he will try not to stop case for me to keep paying him.

Yes, Dr. advised me to wait till the divorce settlement. I will ask him when the divorce settlement is done and it is time to expose. My plane us to expose on the day after settlement.

I don't think there is anything about this on my thread but I can't remember. I did three things; a dog, volunteering and yoga. All three were equally important. I work freelance with computers. My ex husband did everything he could to prevent the divorce. He was a serial cheater and his line with the ladies was to say that he could not leave me because it would be too traumatic for me. So divorce would have rather spoiled his fun. Of course I found all that out afterwards.


You are saying to the judge that everything is sorted out, nothing more to discuss and therefore the case should be closed. The divorce should follow about 30 days later. Obviously this cannot happen until everything is sorted out!


Presume lawyer is suggesting that the house be sold because it is a marital asset? If neither side can afford to buy the other's half share meaning that you know for sure that it has to be sold then the only issue is whether now is a good time to sell. If you sell, the idea of putting the money into an escrow is a good one. That way the proceeds can be divided in a way that gives each party a fair share. That may not be 50:50 because (for example) there may be other non retirement assets and liabilities.

The case will end when you take control. You need to know exactly what you are paying for and what the next step should be. You are employing him not the other way around. The fact that there are liquid assets makes no difference. He will get paid. You can generally negotiate your final settlement with your lawyer.


Then that is what you should do unless things have changed at your end.

I just finished reading your thread. You chose three things that are really good because one can find energy to do them and is capable to deliver. I am worried because I feel I cannot seem to concentrate on career part and path. I do not why WW is dragging the divorce. I only suspect that she wants me to be bankrupt which I am now and she maybe doing this to save money since she has been staying at our house for free for 4.5 years. She will probably buy me out or buy something right away.


The house, finances and custody are not yet sorted out. WW is dragging the trial. It is like she does not want the trial to end. Her testimony was 1. 5 years ago(February 2019) but she never finished because she brings up stupid things every time we go to court- basically postponing her testimony. We are stuck. Now with COVID we have had conference calls only. When the court opens that is when the trial could resume. 2 judges died because of COVID. The courts are terrified.


One ex divorce lawyer said there is no need to sell the house before the custody is done. I will try to get another opinion form another lawyer. Yes, because it is marital asset. Maybe. But he says so I can have money and pay him his bill. I can afford without the money for now. I can pay him after settlement. I do ot the hurry since we had agreed that I will pay after settlement.

Got it on the escrow part.


This hit home. The courts and the lawyers and her are in control. When the court opens I can push for this. I have pushed that she finishes her testimony but the court keeps giving her time to bring other stupid things and lies. My lawyer goes with it. What should I do now? Should I raise my hand and tell the judge to bring the case to end. The ex divorce told me not to do that because the judges do not like it. Let the lawyer do the talking: the client is emotional. But then my lawyer is not voicing my concern. I really do not know how to take control.

OK.

Of course follow Dr. Harley's advice on when/how to expose as he is the expert! If you have new questions, write him back. You could even appear on the radio show if willing, why not?

On your NY legal situation, living_well is giving you excellent advice. I am not an attorney, but have worked with and hired many dozens. In my own experience with lawyers I think it is important to keep in mind that they work for you and represent you as noted above. Has the lawyer gamed this out for you? What is the best case, worst case, and most reasonable expected outcome if you request settlement now (as soon as Covid allows)? Is that acceptable?

Sure the other side/your wife can play games and drag it out, but you said she has no representation. On your side there should be a clear legal road-map and an expected endpoint of any legal proceeding (unless your plan is to stall - which is also a valid strategy if you want to postpone a divorce - but you do not, although that may be your wife's strategy). Tell your attorney your concerns. Ask him to re-explain his strategy. Tell him you are exhausted and need this to close. Have him game out for you the outcomes so you are aware of the risks. Then tell him to execute and get it done as soon as the courts reopen.

Your wife seems to not be happy with the way the custody situation is going from what you wrote, but she seems happy with the free rent. I would also guess if the OM is still with his wife then her future with him is also uncertain in the back of her mind. She may be stalling because now all of it is better for her than what comes after this thing is done. She has nothing to lose by stalling.

Yes yes and yes! Use this interregnum to strategise with your lawyer. Make sure you are crystal clear that you are the one who will be making the decisions, not him.