Hello:

I am new to this forum and in a 25yr. marriage that I feel trapped in and am extremely unhappy. Just to be clear. 4 years ago I had an affair and was extremely remorseful and have made a complete 180 in repentance since then. I am trying not to be that person again. I just finished reading his needs her needs and am reading Love Busters now. I realize that I have been being abused emotionally for the better part of 25 years. Below is an example of a text exchange that happened today. I am needing some help in deciphering truth.

Her:
What do you want to discuss at counseling today?
Me:
I would like to discuss barriers to openness and why we can�t trust each other
Her:
What do you not trust me with?
Me:
My heart!
Me:
The other night when you were triggered by some junk mail and thinking that it was a result of porn use, you threw the laundry on the couch and pulled the blanket off of me and then tossed my bag and shoes out into the hallway. This made me feel rejected, anxious, hopeless and weary.
In my reading of Love Busters this was actually defined as abusive in that it was aggressive behavior meant to make me feel unhappy, fearful and uncomfortable. It set me back in my trust of you and our ability to reconcile. I validated you by stating that I do understand how you would feel the way you did given our history. I tried not to be defensive or angry that we are still dealing with this even though I have demonstrated my efforts to not be that person. I also know that this is very much spiritual warfare since we are trying to reconcile Satan doesn�t want that. I rebuke the enemy�s hold that he has over our minds and over the trial that come. Hold fast to the word of God because our meeting with the Pastor on Sunday was a Kick in the teeth of the devil and he is coming at us with all he has, so Take captive EVERY thought that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, make every thought obedient to Christ. 2 Cor. 10:5. That means when we have a negative thought about each other we need to examine if that thought to be true based on the word of God and not our circumstances. God does not give us negative thoughts about others, that comes from our own selfish desires or the devil himself. When we entertain those negative thoughts we give the enemy a foothold in our minds to torment us.

Her:
That�s ok. You can think you�re being �abused�. Don�t expect me to wash and dry your clothes anymore or make you dinner and do your dishes. All while you sit on the couch and watch football. Then you expected me to receive you in my bed?? That sounds like taking your wife who you KICKED out for granted. I did not even yell. I calmly said the next morning, � when I experienced seeing PORN on the email, it makes me feel afraid �. I�d say that takes a lot of self control. If you keep throwing words around like � you�re being abused� maybe you should just throw me in jail again then?

Me:
This is what I am talking about. I got vulnerable about my feelings and you did not validate them in any way. The enemy comes to steel kill and destroy.
I have been very grateful for all you have done for me.

Sorry for the lengthy post but I need a sanity check.

You might want to read (and practice) "surviving an affair", so your marriage can recover from your affair and your wife will be able to trust you again.

After that, HNHN and Lovebusters will be great reading material.

Welcome to MB.

I'm not sure what help you are seeking; you haven't asked a direct question. Could you phrase a question that we can help with?

Meanwhile, my questions for you:

In what ways have you been abused emotionally for 25 years?

When you say "I need some help deciphering truth", what do you mean? Truth about what?

Why did you tell your wife that you cannot trust her? What has she done that is untrustworthy?

What did she mean about your kicking her out? What were the circumstances under which this happened? Did it have anything to do with your affair? How did she end up in jail? How did you end up back together?

Please tell us about the affair. How did it start, who was it with (e.g. a colleague, a neighbour), how long did it last and how did your wife find out about it? How did it end? Do you have any contact with the other woman (e.g. do you still work together)?

Do you have children? What ages? Was the OW married, with children? Does her husband know about the affair?

How long have you been going to counselling? Is the goal of counselling to help you recover from the affair and rebuild your marriage?

I'm not sure what help you are seeking; you haven't asked a direct question. Could you phrase a question that we can help with?

Meanwhile, my questions for you:

In what ways have you been abused emotionally for 25 years?

Let me start, my wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder 4 years ago and refuses to get help for that. She bounces from therapist to therapist to find someone to tell her what she wants. My wife is very passive aggressive and critical of me in front of out Kids, who are now grown and gone.

When you say "I need some help deciphering truth", what do you mean? Truth about what?

I have been trekking this out for so long I don't know when she is being passive aggressive or just overtly aggressive. I feel stuck in this marriage with no biblical reason for divorce but I have no love for my wife anymore. I just roll over and take it when she is angry at me. I feel when I try and have a voice it only fuels her anger.

Why did you tell your wife that you cannot trust her? What has she done that is untrustworthy?

When I tell her my feelings she tells me I have no right to feel that way since I am the one who had the affair. I tell her I am discouraged that we are no further along than we were three years ago at the time of disclosure.

What did she mean about your kicking her out? What were the circumstances under which this happened? Did it have anything to do with your affair? How did she end up in jail? How did you end up back together?

So the night that I told my wife about the affair she called the police and told them that I had a gun. ( a lie) and when they interviewed both of us they asked me what happened. When I told her that I had the affair she tried to get my phone to call the OW and I didn't think at the time this was a good idea so she beat me up and I let her because I felt I deserved it. Well in my state if you physically assault someone you go to jail to cool off. Fast forward three years and she wanted me to go in front of our friends and tell them that I had an affair three years ago and not her. There is no confusion about this with our friends. That being said she did have an emotional affair with a co-worker 10years ago and I intercepted the e-mails. When I confronted her about it she denied it.

Please tell us about the affair. How did it start, who was it with (e.g. a colleague, a neighbour), how long did it last and how did your wife find out about it? How did it end? Do you have any contact with the other woman (e.g. do you still work together)?

So that being said after years of criticism, and contempt in my marriage as well as a total lack of sex because she refused to get help for a sexual assault that happened to her when she was 13 she hates sex. I reached out to a former friend on Facebook ( I no longer have a FB account to protect myself and my marriage) I pursued an emotional affair that ended with us meeting up 3000mi away and the affair got physical. We met one time and when I told my wife about it I ended the affair immediately. I haven't spoken to this person in 4 years.

Do you have children? What ages? Was the OW married, with children? Does her husband know about the affair?

My Kids are in college 21 and 19. Yes the OW was married and had children also out of the house. My wife called her husband after she was released from jail and I have no Idea what has happened to their marriage as I broke off the communication in an effort to reconcile.

How long have you been going to counselling? Is the goal of counselling to help you recover from the affair and rebuild your marriage?

We have been in counseling for three years and yes my intent is to recover and rebuild! but I am growing weary in this and feel we cannot get past this. I honestly think there is something she is hiding. some abuse that she refuses to be honest about.

We have read all of those and then some. Anatomy of and affair. I just finished HNHN and Lovebusters and we have all of the Lovebusters in our marriage.