We've been married 4 years, been together for 11 years. 6 months ago I got served divorce papers. He had never mentioned this. I thought we were okay. He has been cold on and off, sends mixed messages, seems okay one moment, recalls I need to sign the papers other moments and blames all my past moodiness to the cause. I have tried my hardest to prove I can be the loving wife and have done extensive work on myself to correct my moodiness including individual counseling. I have been doing the love dare technique I read on a book and am on day 10. I leave heart shaped messages on our bedroom door, and when I asked, he said he did see them but hadn't read them. Just when he seems to be turning around and being nice again, then he suddenly remembers the past (me being moody) and brings up the divorce papers. Yesterday I learned the divorce is in progress and won't stop unless he signs a voluntary dismissal. I am starting to feel so down, I am having trouble getting out of bed. I care for our 3 year old kid and try to keep my focus but having trouble. Need advice.

Welcome to MB. Have you read any of the MB materials? Dr. Harley doesn't recommend the Love Dare.

Are you still living in the same home with your husband? Have you done any spying to see if he is having an affair?

Have you snooped at all? Is it possible your husband is having an affair? Don't ask him. Just quietly start digging. Drop the Love Dare. What Dr. Harley recommends is Plan A. Plan A means making sure you eliminate any love busters and be very pleasant. But snoop.

Are you on anti-depressants? They might really help right now.

What is this about?

Hi, dolphin, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place, but we are so sorry for what brings you here!

You need to find out what is really going on. Certainly make sure you aren't demanding, disrespectful, or angry toward your husband and don't fight with him, but you need to investigate and find out what is really going on. What I mean is, who is the woman he is involved with? Because it is extremely likely.

Dr. Harley's marriage rescue plans work, but only if followed, and one of the things you have to do is become so close to your husband, learn so much about him, that it would be impossible for him to be having a relationship with another woman without your knowledge. Right now this is far more important than anything else you can do. Snoop on him, use spyware or spy devices, or hire a private investigator if necessary, but find out!!

Yes we are still living in the same house. No not taking anti depressants.

Also found out not long ago that he had gone out at night didn't come back till 1am and seems he went to take the Oxford capacity analysis (OCA) "test" that they do in Scientology. Found paper records and receipt too. It has begun scaring me.

Yesterday we had a long talk and he won't file voluntary dismissal, not do couples counseling either. He seems set and determined on his ways. He has gone out to exercise (more like run) almost every evening lately for the past two weeks.

Today while in the car on our way to some country event for kids, he had a phone call, something about him looking into his schedule and when he was done talking, I asked like I normally have before who it was, as sometimes he's been known to be on call. He simply did oh just somebody, and made me immediately suspect that it could be the Scientology stuff.

Did you read the advice to start snooping on him? Can you hire a PI? If not, I would get spyware on his phone and put a GPS tracker on his car. Don't ask him, but find out what he is doing. I would also start making plans to separate from him. Consult with an attorney and find out your rights. Ideally, you would want to force him to move. Living with him under these circumstances is very damaging to your mental health. I suspect he is having an affair.

My husband and I recently found the Leah Remeni series on Scientology and have binge watched most of the three seasons. It's a cult that fosters an unthinking addiction to the organization and does tremendous harm to relationships and families. If the family does not support Scientology, believers (or really, victims) are advised to disconnect from their families. Please do yourself a favor and watch a few episodes, or research Scientology on the internet.

I would keep insisting that he not join this cult. If he does, your life together as you knew it is over anyway.

Scientology is after 2 things: adherents and their money. People into Scientology spend $800 - $1,000 on each auditing session, and they need hundreds of these sessions to climb up to the highest rung of the ladder (a rung everyone is programmed to strive for). Scientologists run up credit cards and mortgage their homes to pay for these sessions. Already you have a charge on your credit card for something. I understand that the minimum amount someone pays over the course of their lifetime is about $250,000 - these are working class people who are incapable of contributing more. For most people the number is significantly higher, $500k to millions of dollars.

Scientology adherents also have to spend $1,000s on books and materials. However, these books are constantly being revised so they keep making adherents buy the updated version for more $1,000s.

Scientology sucks all of your disposable money up for the rest of your life on the auditing sessions and books.

Further, if he is being pulled into the organization, he could join the "Sea Organization", which is joining the machine itself. A lot of people are persuaded to take this step. If this happens, he'll move away to a Scientology campus and work for about $50 per week while running up debt from every avenue he can to pay for the auditing sessions. So for you that means no child support, lots of debt in your name and the loss of equity in everything you own.

Purely from a financial viewpoint, if your husband joins Scientology, your cash, all of the money from your borrowing capacity and any equity you have in joint assets are at risk of going to the church. If I were in your shoes, and you can verify he is joining, I would consult an attorney immediately to learn how to protect yourself; likely to include at the very least closing any joint accounts and quickly getting your divorce finalized.

So this ^^(above)^^ is not marriage advice; it's financial cautions specifically with respect to Scientology. If you choose, you can still work on saving your marriage relationship while the divorce is going through.

If he doesn't join Scientology, if you are able to find his affair so it can be exposed and stopped, then you still might be able to save and rebuild your marriage. So..snoop as you have been advised while at the same time take precautions to protect your future if he is joining Scientology.

There are a lot of good tips in the Operation Investigate forum here in Marriage Builders. If he is in an affair, his affair partner might be a Scientology adherent, so that might help give you a clue on who it is.

Please follow the advice of Melody, Marcos and the others. They will help you.

Snooping results: my husband is searching for “how to seduce a woman”, and watching youtube links of techniques to get a woman through “understanding”... note not using those techniques on me. I have found no concrete evidence of another woman, no texting to any girl. I have done all I can. Been really kind and loving, eliminated love buster, even setup a marriage coaching and talked a session alone but my husband cancelled the session with him. I have depleted all my energy trying to get our relationship working and just right now want to quit. I just don’t know if to sleep in the same bed until our divorce goes through or what to do.

What snooping techniques do you have in place? Do you have spyware on his devices? A GPS and VAR in his vehicle?