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If the person you are in a relationship with is constantly complaining about what their employees did or didn't do, how the cashier at the convenience store treated him, what a jerk the guy at the auto parts store was or what the clerk at the home repair store did or said, or how bad he feels, or how people won't help him but he helps them, or how he wants stuff he knows he will never have . . . .
Is that constant complaining or him just sharing his day, his thoughts and the things that have occurred during the day?
It is very draining to me and I would appreciate another perspective.

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Once anything feels draining it becomes something for you to address about as it damages the relationship. Women need two way conversation.

How to address this? I suggest you find a quiet moment and tell him how you feel. Keep to your own perspective, do not make any assumptions about why he is doing it. Just tell him that you find it draining to hear about his day.

Suggest maybe that he pick one thing from his day that he thinks you would be interested in and that you will do likewise. Keep it short. Then find subjects that interest you both that you want to discuss. If there are none, this is a red flag. If he only wants to talk about himself, that is a red flag.

Is this a new relationship?


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Not a new relationship.
My desire is to get some objective feedback about my comments above.
If this happened with you and significant other, would you consider it constant complaining or would you consider it as sharing the day and thoughts and issues that cropped up.
I don't want to not hear about his day or when something is wrong, but it's constant and the complaints are about EVERYTHING leading me to think that he probably also complains about me to someone else as he complains to me about everyone in his life and that he interacts with - or so it seems.

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Have you read Dr. Harley's article about the friends and enemies of good conversation?


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No, I haven't.
So, would his article clarify if the conversation would be considered complaining versus sharing?

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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by life2short
No, I haven't.
So, would his article clarify if the conversation would be considered complaining versus sharing?


Check out the link BrainHurts posted. Basically conversation needs to include topics that are of interest to both of you. When Dr. Harley talks about something that interests him but doesn't interest his wife Joyce, she tells him so and he changes to another topic. I think you two would need to do something similar.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thanks for the feedback/suggestions. I did take a look at the information.
What I would like to know and may not have adequately conveyed in my earlier posts is this:
Is what I posted that is normal conversation between us complaining or just sharing daily events/activities/thoughts?
Would this be draining to you?
We are three years into a relationship and he is really pushing for a commitment for marriage and I am really dragging my feet as this is so wearing. I'm thinking this would be my life; one constant complaint about somebody.
I feel guilt over having these thoughts as he has health issues, financial issues, relationship issues and I feel like I'm just piling on.
Would appreciate some objective feedback.

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I think posters understood your question. It doesn’t matter if it is draining to anyone else, what matters is that it is draining to YOU and unenjoyable to you. If it is an unenjoyable conversation, you would want to end it and look for topics of conversation that you enjoy.

If this is so draining that it makes you think about not marrying him, it seems to be a pretty big deal. It is not something you can sweep away as normal conversation, even if we told you that it was.

Have you told him how you feel? You can tell him, it bothers me when you [talk negatively about others...complain for long periods of time about work...raise your voice...scrunch your face....] whatever it is that bothers you about the conversation. This seems like something that is very correctable if you give him the opportunity.

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That being said, don’t forget that dating is like an interview for marriage, if that is your end goal. It doesn’t sound like he is meeting your needs well or doing well in the interview, by your description. He seems like he is having a negative impact on your life, and you say that he has health, financial, and relationship issues. Seems like a lot of issues! What does he bring to the table?

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Take a look at the articles Brainhurts linked. They explain Dr. Harley's research and viewpoint on what makes a conversation great versus one that is unpleasant. Once you read those articles, see if you can get your boyfriend on board.

It would be fine for my husband, or for that matter anyone else, to tell me about a negative event that happened during his day, but for him to go on a long while about it, or if virtually all the conversation is negative and therefore draining to me, I would not enjoy the conversation either. What's important, though, is how these conversations affect you. It doesn't matter how they would affect anyone else.

If you didn't mind him being negative, then perhaps you'd enjoy his conversations more, but if it's draining to you and it's making you consider NOT marrying him, then he needs to change the way he converses with you or you ought to consider moving on.


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Originally Posted by life2short
We are three years into a relationship and he is really pushing for a commitment for marriage and I am really dragging my feet as this is so wearing. I'm thinking this would be my life; one constant complaint about somebody.


If it bothers you and he is unwilling to correct the problem, it will only continue to erode your respect and desire for him. It is a lovebuster for you and you won't be able to change how you feel about it.

Originally Posted by life2short
I feel guilt over having these thoughts as he has health issues, financial issues, relationship issues and I feel like I'm just piling on.


I'm very concerned about this comment. It sounds as though you are considering marrying him for his sake and his needs rather than for yours. I can tell you that if you aren't feeling joy at the prospect of sharing YOUR years of your lifetime with him, you should take a serious second thought about moving forward. The irritation and impact of lovebusters that are not resolved tend to grow over time.

Please don't discount the value of your future. Don't just give it away when you are not enthusiastic about doing so. If you do, the years will stretch out to be loooooong.

Here's a great article on choosing a spouse: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5068b_qa.html

Are you and he compatible in:
1) Intelligence
2) Energy
3) Social Interest
4) Cultural Background
5) Values

If not, please give some serious thought as to whether he is the right person for you.


Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.

Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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Originally Posted by life2short
Is what I posted that is normal conversation between us complaining or just sharing daily events/activities/thoughts?
Would this be draining to you?



This is the wrong question, though, because it is not us. It is draining to you and that is what matters. No one can decide FOR YOU what is draining.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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