My spouse and I were married for 14 years before our separation. Our separation was ultimately due to an isolated domestic violence incident. It was the first encounter, however it was done in front of our children. After that I wanted nothing to do with my spouse. A year has past and the divorce papers have been filed. I’m now self reflecting over our relationship. Domestic violence should never be condoned, but now I’m looking at my part in our demise. I was very frustrated with my spouse’s lack of focus, lack of financial maturity, tempers, anger issues, not wanting to do anything together that I distanced myself. We’ve read “His Needs Her Needs” and took a counseling class and it seemed to get better for a short while. But, it went back. I never fully trusted my spouse to make good decisions for the family. I felt alone and carried the burden of financial stress and the stability of our family. I began to have lack of respect for my husband. I requested a separation. He refused to leave, but agreed to move out of our bedroom. We lived that way over a year. He accused me of having an affair constantly. The night that led to the domestic violence he found messages on my social media account and lost it. Lost it to the point where I had to get help and the courts were involved. I thought he was crazy because the messages he found I had nothing to do intimately with these people. Now that I’ve had time to reflect I can see how he could have been upset and now realize that I have made mistakes. For instance, not putting him first, venting to friends, having intimate conversations with the opposite sex. I’m going through a stage of guilt. Even though I know the marriage was not good for me I still miss him and the idea of marriage. I didn’t want my marriage to end I just wanted him to change. It didn’t seem like that was possible. Is this normal to reflect over the relationship? I want to move on, but it’s hard

Welcome to MB. Is he out of the house? What has he done to eliminate his anger?

What did these messages say that he found? Was there more than one man or were there multiple?

Hi Charming, welcome to Marriage Builders. Are you separated now? How far away does he live? Were you having an affair?

Has he done anything about anger issue?

We are separated and have been for one year since the incident. I believe there were 5 people. Mostly people from the past like school past mates. One in particular I ran into at a restaurant with one of my friends. The message he sent to me was ,”it was good seeing you last night”. I hadn’t seen nor talked to him since high school some 25 plus years ago. There had never been anything between us. Not remotely.

He lives in the same city. I’m not sure if he’s taken any measures to help himself professionally. I believe he did start going to church.

I guess I was being that I did have intimate conversations with the opposite sex about my problems. However, that person was not on the posts that he saw

Were you having a romantic relationship with someone?

I honestly can say yes now that I’m looking back.

Can you expand on that? Who was this person, what happened, are you still in touch?

It was a colleague. We would have coffee and lunch. We would hug and kiss. He was having marital problems as well. We kept in touch during my marriage for a year and then I broke it off. I realized he was not the one and if I were going to do anything it would be someone that was potential. He reaches out from time to time about potential business opportunities. I do not entertain anything more. I have not seen him im a very long time like a year and a half.

Ok, thanks for your honesty. What is your question for us?

Is this the OM that your husband found out about?

I guess what I’m questioning are emotions now. Torn between my heart and my head. I still love my soon to be ex. I’m reminiscing of our times together and our family unit. He is a good person, but has some issues to work out that I cannot help him with. My heart wants to be with him, but my head is saying no. We have a 14 year gap between our ages with him being older. We started dating when I was 24. He’s still in the financial turmoil he’s been in since. Now he’s close to 60 with nothing. I was responsible for the household financially. However, that was not my plan nor discussed. I just knew I had to do it for the sake of our children. I felt the burden tremendously. Also, on top of that we did not have companionship. I hate to say that money played a big role. His lack of providing that made me really resent him. Am I a bad person to feel this way?

When the domestic violence happened I knew I had to cut it off and get him out of my system (so I thought) for the sake of my children. I didn’t want them to grow up thinking it was ok to condone that behavior from a man. Now I’m questioning if that was the right decision. Should I have taken him back when he was asking before our separation got too far?

I’m just in confusion now.

No...the messages weren’t from anyone that I have had intimate relationships with other than a Highschool bf in which we never had any relations since.

Charming, there are alot of problems to be resolved in this relationship that I don't know can be resolved. First off, most women do resent being the main or sole support of their families. I have been in that position and resented it greatly. I remarried someone who makes the same as me and that resentment went away. Could that be resolved with your husband? How is he supporting himself now?

The biggest issue that would have to be resolved before you even tried to save your marriage is the domestic violence. You can't even risk trying to fix your marriage unless and until he gets aggressive anger management counseling and is anger free for at least a year. I have a sense that what happened here is that your H suspected you were having an affair, which you WERE. That triggered his anger, but that is no excuse. If you try to save this, your poor boundaries around men will have to be addressed.

And I would certainly stay completely away from this man with whom you had an emotional affair. You need to somehow inform his wife of what you did and completely block this dirty rat. His wife has a right to know that you are a danger to his marriage. Your behavior with this woman's husband was inappropriate.

A married man was under consideration to see if he was "the one?" Do you realize how crazy that sounds? What kind of a man do you think behaves like this?

This kind of wrong headed, irrational thinking needs to be addressed.

Thank you for your response. Yes, it sounds crazy. I didn’t realize it was a relationship. We both were jus venting. After time I realized that I had to end it because of the situation and know he could not be the one. I was completely wrong and regret it tremendously.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your response. I definitely need to look in the mirror and face my wrong actions. I’m trying to forgive myself. I just feel hopeless. I am seeking counseling around my choice in men. I made the choice to marry my husband knowing all that he was and wasn’t. I looked at his potential, but it never manifested. Because I was so angry I allowed myself to enter a situation knowing it was wrong.

Thank you for sharing

Just to clarify the timeline. The A has been over like a year and a half. Before even the domestic violence incident.

I don’t think he will ever keep a consistent job or have consistent enough income coming in. He starting a business which he was planning to quit is what he’s doing now. He’s renting a room from someone.

Does your H know about your affair? Are you going to tell the OM’s BW (betrayed wife) about the affair?

Is your H doing anything about his anger? Anger management?