Hello everyone, I have been reading on MB for a short time, read all articles and q&a, but it's just now that I have seen the forums. I planned to buy books but I haven't yet.

Anyway, I have lots of questions in my head and a long story to tell that I may have a hard time putting together. I apologize in advance if my post would be very long.

My husband and I were married for 2 years now, but we started our marriage in long distance, we're both from different country. We met online and have been in relationship for 1 year before we met in person. During the time we were in a relationship, around 6 months were together, I met a guy from work and started to court me even though we were both in a relationship. That guy broke up with his gf and I broke up with my bf but now husband and dated that guy. That time I had thoughts that I wanted to have a real relationship instead of someone just online, but after some time knowing the guy, I realized I didn't want to be with him because he's too young and immature for me and he's not the husband material I was looking for, and I missed my online bf. I messaged my online bf that time I realized it and he replied and we got back together. I broke up with my guy from work. Getting back together with my online bf, I didn't tell him about the guy, because I was ashamed by it, that I broke up with him in first place because I met someone. Our online relationship continued however, the guy from work even though I broke up with him, we decided to be friends, things happened that he was okay even though I have my online bf and he wants to stay with me, we became fwb. He was very much persistent in showing efforts to me, and I was so torned because I know I wanted my online bf. My justifications in my head was we were just friends and I am not sure if I would really want my online bf when I met him in person so I couldn't decide on both of them. I cheated on my online bf at that time. When my online bf decided to go and visit me, my fwb and I decided to cut totally what we're having. I think he gave up because no matter his efforts, I still decided to choose my online bf. The time came that my online bf came to visit me and we met and instantly felt the connection, we really fell in love with each other. We spent 1 whole month together and before he left, he proposed to me. I was really feeling bad about what I did against him but I was more afraid that our relationship will end if I told him what really happened. I decided to keep everything inside me, swept under the rug and keep it to me til death and never cheat on him again. I didn't think of putting lies as foundation will not be good if we would want to spend our life together. But I thought, if we love each other it would be enough. Our relationship isn't perfect, I know my online bf has anger issues and temper issues, I thought I have enough patience for him and I can handle him.

After almost a year I came to live with him and we got married. Things were not going well as it went by. We had a lot of miscommunication, language barrier, most of the time from me, that I can't understand him, and if I asked him to repeat often, he gets upset, so for me to avoid him getting upset, I would just try to understand, but most of the time I misunderstand and it's a cycle of miscommunication and fight. I didn't expect it before we live together because I remember when I was with him for a month, we had miscommunication but not as much as what it was at the moment. I thought we both just need time to adjust to each other and we'll have better communication. It actually did. However, the issue about communication is an issue that we couldn't overcome. He was complaining most of the time that I don't listen, and I don't focus. He mentioned that maybe I have an adult ADHD. He was complaining that we don't have the same level of intellect and I was very shallow and immature than him. Btw, we have 10 yr gap. I felt really low and stupid, my self confidence plummeted. Although we were having issues, we were always trying to fix things, we do lots of couples activities together, dates, biking, hiking and other stuff. Whenever I thought of us fighting, I was just thinking that it's okay, I'll accept his anger because I cheated on him before and maybe it's some consequences for me. Our sex life isn't the best as well, we started okay from few times a week to once a week, to few times a month to once a month, sometimes not even once a month. There were quite a few reasons, he said if we are fighting and couldn't connect on basic level, he doesn't want to have physical connection with me, also our work schedule doesn't match, I worked during nights and he's on day time, we only have time for each other on our day off. Those things happened on our first year of marriage, during those times we were fighting, I had thoughts that we wouldn't work out and I looked and read about divorce. But I didn't open it to him. I thought maybe we just need more time to work on our marriage. And after some fights, we would reconciliate, promise to meet halfway, on my part listen all the time, on his part more patience and less yelling. I left my job so I can start looking for a job that would match his hours.

However, I couldn't find right away a job that would match his time and I found another night job that pays so much better than my previous job. I liked that place I was working, I had few friends and that's where I met my OM, not married but with 2 kids wigh 2 different women. I felt good about myself because I didn't feel stupid, I felt I can communicate and people understands me. My confidence started to go up again. I started to be friends with OM and he had been giving me compliments and telling me good things that made me feel good about myself, I started to like him and I felt some feelings towards him. I feel bad when I started to feel it, I googled and searched about what to do about liking a coworker when I'm married. I found some answers about emotional affair, and to disclose it to husband. But I was so hesitant and I thought to myself, it's nothing and I'll just forget about it. I told it first to my very close friend and she advised me to stop it, for some time I did stop. I stopped talking to him via text cause that time we exchanged few text messages, OM was telling me how he liked me and I told him I felt the same way but it's wrong. Anyway, I stopped texting him and minimized our talk on our work too.
I focused my time on my husband, at that time were getting better communication wise.
I opened my feelings of crush to one of my girl coworker and she said that it's fine to have a feeling for someone, just don't act upon it. My crooked brain had a go signal that it's ok to talk to him, so we started chatting again and that's when the affair went further on. I started to send him some sexy pictures because I like the feeling that I'm seen as sexy. I told myself, those should be fine, as long as we don't see each other outside work. But my boundaries went farther. OM insisted we meet each other before work for only few mins and my crooked brain justified its fine cause it's still near work, we saw each other outside and that's when we kissed first time. I felt bad that I crossed my boundaries but at the same time I felt in love. Same day, after work, I pushed my boundary and met him in a bar. We kissed there again and that's when I lied to my husband about time of my out to work. Thinking about it now makes me feel so bad. It didn't stop there, after that day, OM said he needs new clothes for his work, and if I could come with him to shop in a mall. I said I would go to yoga anyway, I could come for few mins. So we met again outside and we kissed again. That time, it was day time, and I saw myself walking out in public with him, suddenly hit me with reality. I don't want to be that person. I saw how ugly what I was doing. I felt so much guilt. I went to yoga and while doing it I was contemplating with myself, I told myself, I'll stop what I'm doing. I saw my husband that day and we had some fight over simple thing, and it kinda made me feel less guilt. But next day, I messaged OM that I don't want to see him outside anymore, and we'll just work and keep things as they are. He replied, "are you breaking up with me,lol." He said those because we both know that we're not a couple or anything, we know we're just friends. When I saw him, I really saw him looking sad and I felt bad cause I made him feel sad. So I told him nothing would change, we'll just not seeing outside. Weeks passed and we're just chatting and working together, but my feelings were stronger. One Thursday that I'm not supposed to work but my coworker asked me to cover for her shift. I decided to go so I can see OM because he will have a show that night on my work. I thought I would see him at work. But it was so slow that I had a chance to go early and I had a chance to see OM outside work for a while. We met in the park for almost an hour. We kissed again and he had a chance to go down on 2nd base for quick seconds but I immediately stopped him. However we continued kissing. He tried twice to touch me on 3rd but I never let him. The time flew and I had to go home because my husband was waiting for me at home. I was so worried because I told him I'm on my way home but I kinda got rerouted because of uber pool, he was asking me where am I. During the travel time I was stressed because I feel it's late and I didn't want him to be suspicious of me. I came home and I tried to act normal and was relieved when he wasn't suspicious.

The next day at work, my mgr and i had misunderstanding why I left early and he was kinda upset because I left. And there has been some issue with splitting some tip pool. I had a feeling that that incident would back fire at me and it would cause for my husband to know about my cheating. And it did. Monday came, me and my husband were at home on our day off, my phone rang, the owner of my work place called me to say he will fix the tip pool for me because of the misunderstandings last Thursday, I was thankful. However my husband asked why did my boss called, I said nothing, just about some issues at work. But he sensed there's something wrong and I couldn't lie anymore. I told him about what happened last Thursday and I told him I cheated. He was so hurt and shocked. I really thought he would divorce me right away and cannot forgive me. He told me to leave my job, and we will fix our marriage. I was hesitant because I really liked my job, but I decided I will. It made me more sad about the job than any other reason. I left my job and I had closure thru chat with OM and after that I didn't talk to him anymore. I didn't tell right away my husband about it and My mistake was I confessed to him slowly. I only told him at first that OM and I just kissed and it was nothing, until day by day I was telling him what happened. I started to read books about surviving infidelity, and I followed the advice to say everything. So I told my husband everything that has happened during that A. He broke down, got so angry and hurt like I've never seen before. I felt shooked and so hurt too. He said it's the most painful thing that has ever happened to him. He asked me lots of questions every day and I'm answering them as how I know them. It took around 3 months until I was done telling him everything about the recent affair. However he still kept on telling me I'm a liar and he don't trust me. And he can't start a life with me if I am living in a lie. My conscience was clear about the recent affair, but for the past, it was still haunting me. So I decided to tell him, I told myself, I don't want to keep it anymore, it's either it will break us or make us. So I confessed it. There were few times I thought we would separate, that's on first DDAY, the time I confessed about the quick 2nd base, the past affair and the most recent times that he said he just can't forgive me. He still chose to stay even after he knows about my As.

I apologized, cried my heart out, remorseful, regretful and I never talked to OM since, or even to my other guy friends. I have always been open to my husband about where am I, what I do, who I talked to,what I think, he's got access to my phone and emails and anything he wants to see. I'm very transparent to him now cause I want to earn his trust again. I am following all the things I need to do to fix our marriage. I understand that 6 months is still very early time to move on from everything after all I did.

3 days ago, I saw a secret message on my fb messenger from OM, I have never used that secret message before. When I saw the message, I didn't open it because I wanted me and my husband to read it together. I sent a message to my husband that OM messaged me but we will open it together so he won't think of something. However when we opened it together it was just a blank message. Husband was accusing me that there's some disappearing message that I read and I opened and I chatted with OM. I kept on telling him I wasn't lying and I didn't see any message nor chatted with him. Husband kept on insisting its impossible to send a blank message. I said, I don't know how he did it but I never saw any message. It just hurt me that no matter my explanation, he can't believe me. And I'm just getting angry because of it. I know I don't deserve his trust anymore but I just feel hurt that I have not been doing anything since DDay but to fix our marriage but nothing seem to work. He's so angry at me now because I said some things about after dday that I had withdrawal from work and I missed work and I missed OM too. But he was saying that I only said I missed work before, but I said OM was part of it but he was insisting I'm lying and shaping and coloring.

He didn't sleep on our bed today and doesn't want to talk to me. I told him, I saw this MB forum and I want to know what other people might say about our issue. He said do whatever you want. I don't care.

We never did any counseling because he doesn't want.

I'm just rambling and I don't know what to do, I'm getting tired sometimes, I know I should read the books HSHS and surviving infidelity, maybe I'll get it now.

I know my husband loves me a lot but he's just so hurt from what I did, but do we still have hope if he cannot forgive what I did and he will always get hurt from it?

He was always saying he want me to always talk about the A, because it made him feel like he's not alone on thinking about it. He wants me to open about it. I told him I don't know what else to say about it, I opened everything to him already. My question is how do I open things to him or talk about the A when i felt i have said everything already. He was saying there's a lot I haven't say.

I have a lot of things in mind, I hope I can get answers...

Hello heiress, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place. I hope you will encourage your husband to register and start up his own thread too. We can save your marriage. I would definitely get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there. Most marriages do not survive infidelity. Rather they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage, more vulnerable to an affair than before the affair. Your marriage does not have to be like that.

The first thing I would do is affair proof your marriage, followed by an agreement to NEVER EVER speak of the affair again. Every time you and your husband speak of the affair, you bring the unpleasantness of the past into the present. It hurts your husband and it ruins every chance of recovery. You need to both focus on making your marriage a HAPPY place, not a sad place. Leave the past in the past.

That being said, your husband is being naturally triggered by things like facebook messenger. That is an opening that needs to be closed. Just delete your facebook page. Delete any social media app that the OM would use and change your phone #. Make sure the OM cannot ever reach you.

Secondly, you need to learn appropriate boundaries around men. You are a married woman now and having these opposite sex friendships is exactly how affairs begin. [as you and your husband have learned the hard way] That means no more opposite sex friendships. Don't have personal conversations with men. Period.

And lastly, working opposite shifts is a disaster for marriage. I think you realize this, but you need to never do this again. I will post the extraordinary precautions checklist below. You should start using this program as outlined in the Basic Concepts: Basic Concepts

Read all the links here: https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/...affair-start-here-first.html#Post2695379

Thanks Melody Lane for the advice.. We tried to made an agreement that we will never talk about the affair again in the beginning of the year, but my husband didn't deliver. And every time he feels I'm acting normal and wants to move on about it, he's angry and he's telling me that he wants me to go forward and talk about the affair, tell him that I f*cked up big time, I did do it, but he said it sounds robotic after some time. I apologize all the time. He just always have triggers and he just doesn't seem to can shake off things from his head.

Some books advice to let the WS always talk about the A so the HH won't feel alone about it. And most books say it would take a year or so to recover. I just don't know how to talk about things over and over again. I know I should be strong and take all the hardship because I caused it, but I feel tired sometimes especially when I know I'm doing everything to make him feel better and he doesn't seem to see what I was doing.

I told my husband that I will block OM, but he doesn't want. It seems like he wants to get some sort of revenge or something from it. He mentioned for me to find OM's wife and once I do, he would talk to her. The thing is I don't know who she is and it seems she doesn't have any social media. I could try to ask some of my previous coworkers about it, but I don't know if I really should do it.

Tell him you have been advised by Marriage Builders not to ever speak of it again. When it comes up, leave the room.


Most marriage programs have no earthly idea how to save marriages. The advice we give here is all Marriage Builders, a very successful program that was founded by Dr. Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist. It does take about a year or two to recover *IF* you stop talking about it and *IF* you follow the appropriate steps for recovery. Recovery does not happen by accident, it happens by DESIGN. You have to take certain steps.


First off, the OM's wife should be told by him. That is correct. Secondly, you need to do more than "block" the OM, you need to DELETE any social media where he can contact you.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

In your first post you said he wasn’t married when you met him. Was he actually married?

OM wasn't married but he's got 2 kids with 2 different women.

I don't understand. This is what you just told us:

I just used the term 'wife' but she's just technically a gf, but they live together and have a kid. I don't know they're home address and I tried to look for om's gf on fb to get in touch with her but I couldn't find her.

Gotcha, in that case, I would find her and have your husband contact her and tell her what happened. She has a right to know this.

I just got the books I ordered. Although I don't know if I would still need them because my H seem like giving up. He just can't stop thinking, talking about what I did and saying he doesn't have anything to hold on to on our marriage. He said our marriage is a sham and built on lie. Any argument I would say, he's got a contra argument. I don't know what else to say or do that would make us okay. I told him read the book surviving an affair, he said it won't change what I did and who I am. I said I know, but maybe it would give you a different perspective. Sometimes I just feel like retired and I'm giving up too. It makes me very sad.

heiress, if your husband won't stop talking about it and focus on recovery, then divorce is probably the best avenue, because this is hopeless. Continually bringging up your affair is a way to punish and manipulate a spouse, it is called "secondary gain:"

here