Before I start, I ask that you not judge please. I've honestly faced enough of that and it's absolutely not what I need.

I have been married twice before. The first marriage I stayed in for nine years. He was emotionally and verbally abusive and I felt like God wouldn't forgive me if I divorced. I stayed as long as I could and then after speaking to several people of faith, realized that this is not what God had intended for my life or for my kids to see.

I eventually fell in love with a man who went to the same church as I. We actually met at the first day of our new job and hit it off right away. One thing led to another, and we eventually got married. I felt like it was a God breathed marriage--we led small groups together, did mission trips together, we were happy and healthy. Until one day we weren't. We were on a day date right before Thanksgiving. We had just had our second child and we both had the day off from work, so I had planned something special. When we pulled in the driveway to return home from our date he asked me what you do when you don't love someone anymore. I jokingly said you either suck it up and deal or you get out. He went inside and started packing stuff. In complete confusement I asked what he was doing. He said he was getting out.

I knew our marriage was stressed from having four kids (two from the previous marriage) and two of them being 18 months old or less. My husband had left the teaching profession because he wanted to pursue being a firefighter. I fully supported him in this. He ended up hurting his back and decided to go back into teaching. I even helped him get a new job in a different district because I was good friends with their director of HR. A couple months into the job, he came home with a book about some famous musician who had a troubled past that involved love relationships gone wrong and even a chapter about her having an affair with her youth pastor. He said he had spoken with a girl at work about my situation about dealing with my ex husband, and she thought the book might be of some help to me. I thought it was weird at the time, but said thanks and put the book on a shelf. Fast forward to Thanksgiving and him deciding to pack up and leave. My sister said that there had to be more to it, and to ask him who "she" is. I asked him, assuming he would be like "yeah, whatever." Instead he told me that I didn't know her. I still assumed at this point that maybe he was making this up so that he would have an excuse for wanting to leave. I pulled up phone records and discovered that she really existed. After investigating and connecting all the dots, I soon discovered that she was real, and it was the woman he had been talking to at work. I was blindsided and hurt and confused, but determined to fix us. We went to a counselor for five sessions. I kept track of his phone and the phone bill and it appeared that he was done with her. Then we were out looking at Christmas lights and while I was driving, he kept looking at his phone and smiling. I finally slammed on the brakes and grabbed the phone only to discover that he had been texting her using various hidden apps. He moved in with his parents and we separated. I waited and waited for him to change his mind. He said he didn't want a divorce, that he was confused and didn't know what he wanted. He wouldn't break contact with her and blamed it on working with her and that he couldn't just ignore her. He wanted the best of both worlds. He wanted me to wait for him to see if he wanted to be with her or me. I simply couldn't do it any more and felt like I had done my part in God's eyes. So we divorced. He let me have primary custody of the kids and he got visitation.

Things were fine for a while. I was able to manage all four kids by myself, but it gradually got harder. I met someone new and we ended up marrying. He's in the military, so we relocated an hour and a half away next to a military base. My ex was not overly excited about this, but he still agreed to it. I knew when I got re-married that my husband would have to eventually go back to his home state for a year because of obligations to his civilian job. The plan was for me to stay put and him to be a geographical bachelor for that year. So he left, which meant I was back to solo life with four kids. Four schedules, four different schools, and I was not managing it gracefully. Every day was like the movie "Groundhog Day" where you wake up, race to get yourself and four kids ready for work and school, yell constantly until everyone is in the car, go four different places to drop each kid off, and pray you get to work on time. After work is over, you do it all again in reverse, then try to get everyone fed, bathed, homework completed, entertained, and in bed at a reasonable time. There was no down time at all for me to relax or manage my own health. I was drowning and not handling it at all. I tried depression medicine and it didn't help. I felt like a failure every single day and most days I cried myself to sleep, only to dread waking up because I knew I had to do it all over again. My only saving grace was 9:30 p.m. when I could finally go to sleep and pray that everyone slept through the night. It got to the point that I wasn't functioning. I wasn't playing with my kids. I was constantly yelling and agitated because I was so worn out. One of my kids constantly reminded me that I didn't give her enough one on one time and no matter how much I explained to her that I was doing the best I could, it wasn't enough. Financially was a whole added stressor of trying to keep up a household here while my husband kept up a household while he was in another state. I finally caved. I was offered a job in the same state as my husband, and I asked my kid's fathers if they could go with me. My first husband let the kids choose what they wanted to do. The second husband said absolutely not. He did assure me, however, that if I went, that we would continue to have an amazing working relationship and he would let me see the kids whenever I came back home, I could have them all summer, holidays, et cetera. I believed at the time that this was what was best, that my kids were getting the absolute worst of me, and this would just be temporary. I prayed about it and felt like God was leading me to flip custody and He opened doors for a job. I sat in the courthouse parking lot over two hours bawling because I wasn't 100% sure that this was the right thing to do, but my ex convinced me it was.

Things were okay for about a month. However, after that month things have went downhill. I had no idea that the depression I had from failing as a mom previously would pale in comparison to the feeling of failure of not being able to handle four kids solo and flipping custody. Every single day I am constantly reminded of my two youngest kiddos and things that a mom should be enjoying with her kids. On top of all of this, I am also constantly reminded of the fact that the woman who wrecked my marriage has now taken over as "mom." When I call my kids or Facetime my children, it's almost as if she finds ways to make herself audible on the phone calls or present in the video portion of the Facetime. She'll be sitting in the background with one of my kids in her lap reading them a book. Even though I have asked that when I am in town for special events like school parties, that she not be involved, my ex throws it in my face and says that as a teacher I should know that families where step parents are involved are healthier. I found out today that she tells my kids to call her mom and refers to herself as their mom to people who don't know the situation and don't realize they aren't hers.

I cannot take it any more. I am at the lowest point I have been at in life and don't know how to pull out of it. When I bring any part of it up to my husband, he takes it as a slam against him because he thinks I'm not happy with him and that he's the reason that anything ever happened with custody. I am trying my best to get through each day with a smile and hide what's really going on in my heart, but I am consumed with guilt and grief and hate and despair. It feels like I am living in hell every single day without my kids while he got it all. He got the new woman. He got the kids. He got the happy family. And to top it off, no one truly knows the whole story. People just assume that I've done something horrible as a mother and lost custody of my kids. The school that he works at and that the kids attend are always extremely rude with me like I am the bad guy. None of them have any idea that it wasn't me that wrecked my marriage. I am constantly judged by everyone when the question awkwardly comes up of "do you have kids" and then trying to somehow explain that I have four, but only one lives with me.

I know this was a long post, and I don't know even really what I'm looking for. I don't know if I'm looking for advice, or prayer, or just a listening ear. But I do know that right now it's hard to wake up each day. It's hard to function. It's hard not to burst out in tears every time I am reminded of my kids being raised by her. It's hard to continue to feel like the world's biggest failure of a mom who should have been strong enough to handle it all. It's hard to live every day so full of regret that it steals your joy and leaves you feeling numb. So if there's anyone out there who has something for me, I'd appreciate it.

Kimberly what a heartbreaking story. Welcome to MB. I think you will find here support and encouragement and principles that will help your family and marriage. I would encourage you to call Dr. H on the radio show, he can help you with a plan how to get through this year your DH is in this hometown. Maybe your DH can call in too and be encouraged to find other options where you can reunite your family in one town. No easy answers for sure, you’ve tried to make the best decisions you could in very trying circumstances. Have you considered short term ADs to help with the pain of being away from your kids? How much longer is this period?

Hi Kimberly, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry for your pain. What a terrible predicament. I agree you should email Dr Harley at the radio show and get his suggestions. You can reach him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. If you include your phone #, Mrs. Harley will typically call you and go over the details.

New Every Day,

I may have confused you. I'm actually in the same state with my DH right now. It's my three kiddos who I'm away from and missing so terribly. I get to see them about once a month when I travel back over three day weekends, but it's not enough to satisfy my heart. I will also get them most of the summer in June and July, as they will get to come with me. I have tried the AD's before and did not notice any benefit from them other than the side effects. I'm trying to do this without them because in so many ways I feel like they will just be a bandaid for the underlying problem. This will last at least one more school year, possibly two. It depends on what happens with my husband's Army career.

I will email Dr Harley and see what he has to say. Thank you both for welcoming me!