Hello, I could do with some advice.

I have only been married for 11 months and I found out 8 weeks into our marriage that she had been having an affair. I had my suspicions and left a tape recorder in the house and it was confirmed that some sex act had happened. A few days later the bed was all messed up (empty house on the market). I suspected a local man. Since then there have been a few more times I have been suspicious.

Now she denies it, her family say I am imagining things and the tape could have been outside interference etc, a man’s voice on the tape she claimed was her just talking low.

I have tried everything to make her admit so we can build again but everyone thinks I’m paranoid. She even contacts my mom to get her to make me feel nothing happened.

So it’s me against the world and her constantly wanting affection and reconciliation. We have been to therapy and counselling and I have decided to protect myself and not have any intimacy.

This drives her nuts. I have told her I am moving out too but it seems all of these threats do nothing.

To top it all she is pregnant (I know it’s mine) and I am really happy in becoming a father but I wish she would just come clean.

I can’t build a foundation on lies and then deceit. For all I know it could be happening still.

Thanks.

Hi Dave,

I am very sorry that you are going through this.
Some questions come to mind reading your ttread.
1. How can you be so sure that the child is yours? As hard as it may b to think about it, she was having an affair 8 weeks in your marriage and she is still seeing other men...
2. dr Harley says you should get enough evidence to convince a jury.
3. don‘t let her know you are onto her. Snoop quietly.
4. you haven‘t been married very long and your history untill now does not bode well for the future. Consider leaving, especially if the child is not yours.

Thank you for that advice!

Oh the child is mine as it was through IVF so I’m sure about that area.

I feel awful snooping and i just don’t think it would happen in the same location.

For example, last week I dropped her off at a function, she was going to go by herself. While I was driving back I noticed this man’s car parked down the road at a diner. I waited a bit and he came out and headed off in the wrong direction to the town I know he lives in. I thought maybe he was planning on meeting up but it could be a coincidence.

So really I know I am living in constant turmoil.

That is your first step. Hire a PI and/or put spyware on her phone. You can also place a VAR in her car. I have a feeling she might have married you for another reason, ie: financial support. Stop asking and start snooping!

Dave, the plan here will fix the turmoil for you, but you have to rip the bandaid off: snoop until you are in a position to be able to prove she doesn't have another relationship. Eventually one of two things will happen:
1) snooping won't make you feel awful - it'll be downright boring because there's nothing to discover
2) you'll know the truth of the situation and be able to work a plan to fix the problem

Not snooping will lead to continued turmoil and it will only get worse.

You need to put spyware on her phone. Can you afford a PI?