I have read quite a few forums about sex aversion and they were a little helpful. Just discovering this subject. In my teen years after I was getting drunk and having sex continuously because of abuse I got in a sticky situation and was raped. Since then I didn’t have a steady relationship or have been in abusive ones. In some of the abusive relationships I was okay with the sex even though I know that’s bad. I have gotten with my fiancé and I love sex with him but I get a lot of anxiety when he starts kissing me. I want him to keep going but I get a voice in my head that’s like “no let’s go do something else” even though I love sex. I think? I just don’t know how to overcome this. I know he’s the one. He’s perfect. But sex is important to me and I need to overcome this anxiety. Please help

Hi Katy and welcome to Marriage Builders. You might want to start by reading this How to overcome sexual aversion It takes time and patience.

Your reaction could also be the canary in the coal mine. You describe him as your fiancé but can you give us a time line on how long you have known one another and when you are planning to marry?

You were raped and then had what sounds like several abusive relationships. Now, in this relationship, when sex begins you get a voice in your head telling you to stop.

I think you need to listen to that voice. You need to talk to your fiancé and not have sex until you are enthusiastic about doing so, and probably not until you are married. If he has a positive response to your request to stop having sex for now (including one of you moving out of your home if you are living together), and if he is willing to work with you on your aversion, you would be able to overcome your aversion. Going through with sex when you have anxiety over it and would really like to "do something else" is a recipe for making things even worse than they are now.

Also: Dr Harley's article on aversion deals with aversions brought on by events during the marriage (and you are not married). For that reason, it might not apply to an aversion brought about by an earlier series of violent and abusive relationships - I don't know. I'm not clear whether Dr Harley's advice - to learn to relax, in stages, when thinking about sex with your husband - would apply when there is a prior, violently traumatic cause. I also don't know how you could apply his advice to wait until marriage for sex, and then have sex, when there is already an aversion to sex. Do you go into marriage knowing that you will refrain from sex while practicing the relaxation techniques, or do you deal with the aversion before marriage, and if so, how? In the circumstances he describes in his article, there is no prior aversion to sex at the start of the marriage.

I recommend writing to him, with those details, to see whether there is anything in addition that he would recommend.

Be frank about this with your fiance. He loves you and he will understand & give you the space you need.
Talking to a professional will also help big time. It's a tough move to open up, but once you do, you'll heal.
Take your time with everything and remember that you're strong.